Just beyond my lips
are the words I mean to say
dancing close behind my tongue,
to wander an idea denied so long.
But it only takes so long,
and they only get so far,
before I, myself catch up and
they fall back to never said.
See, once you speak aloud,
long enough for one to hear,
those words heard and spoken both
whisper ‘till forever meets an end.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi there greywords! Niteowl here to review for the Mazarine Marauders this fine Review Day!
Now overall, this is a great poem. I especially love the line "dancing close behind my tongue." I just have some minor nitpicks
This line is a little too confusing. It's trying to build on the dancing imagery, but it's not really working, in my opinion. I think it might be cool to use another dance metaphor. For example "waltzing across an idea never uttered".
Comma not needed. Honestly, I'd cut "myself". It just makes this line choppy.
I don't think you need "both" here. It doesn't make grammatical sense and breaks the flow.
Aside from those small things, this was a beautiful poem that captures a feeling many of us can relate to. Peace, Love, and Fahrvergnugen!
*wields scarlet swords and charges in* Excuse that, Laure here for a review on reviews day! So I would like to start this poem with your title, which is actually a pretty interesting title. Forever spoke, it almost sounds like an oxymoron to me. Can something be forever spoken? So, nice title it drew me in.
Now, back onto the poem. I will admit it was a bit confusing as I had to read it over two times before I digested the poem. This poem seems to be talking about unspoken words but the ending was vague and I didn't catch the full meaning of it. However, I still found this poem interesting especially the way you used imagery and personification in the first six or so lines. I will also urge you to take what the other reviewers has said about breaking into two stanzas into consideration as it will make the poem much more neater.
So, some nitpicks.
In like four, you wrote wander, did you mean wonder? Since wander is to walk around lost or confused, or perhaps ponder? Because I honestly didn't get that.
The last two lines, I'm still a bit confused about them. I don't quite see how it relates back, I think you might have rushed it a bit. You could expand it for the readers.
Overall, this is a good poem with potential, keep up the good work!
-Laure
Hello fallen here reviewing you tonight, So lets get started first off time for a rant of my pure excitement. First off I Loved your idea and how you inplanted your ingenius idea. I enjoyed how your poem was realatable to a wide spread of people. Also loved that while in first person wasn't over used and cliché where you were like " I walked to the mall, I stared,
I bought shoes like that sorta of style. I enjoyed the ending " whisper' till forever meets an end". now a nick pick is that you used ' where it should have been " because you are talking now quoting a book. I enjoyed how it is a sentence structured poem it makes it seem more relatable and not a rant you felt the need to be. Really well done. Keep it up
Hey there KissMe here to give you a review!
Let's jump on in!!
I would like to start off with this is a good poem. You could fix up a few things though. You spelling and grammar is fine but your punctuation needs work. It seems like the first few lines are one line run on sentence, you could use some commas in it but it needs periods in it too. Also I would break the poem into stanzas, it will make it look a bit better. Make your poem look as great as it is! Thank you for this great poem! Also the commas and periods are for making it flow and sound better. Thank you for posting this poem!!
Keep writing and follow your heart!!
~KissMe