I couldn't descide which one I liked better so I put them both. Any preferences?
My heart is craving something more,
what this world offers does not satisfy,
it seems this longing just grows stronger,
this pit of depression is a prison around me.
People tell me I am nothing,
they taunt me and bring me down,
I just ignore them yet I still
can’t fill this breaking heart of mine.
My life flows by me,
all my past failures haunt me,
the waves gush over me,
filling me with guilt,
I look with regret at what I’ve done,
the good things seem just too few.
Yet I see a light in the distance,
a lighthouse of love.
My God, my King, your love does fill
this broken aching heart of mine.
Oh Lord, I come to you!
Please welcome back
your prodigal son.
and
My heart is craving more than this darkness I love,
your light is shining, like a beacon in a storm.
These dark desires, satisfy me no more,
I wish you to enter my empty heart.
Once again I come to you,
empty handed and distraught.
This love you give me is incomprehensible,
there’s nothing like it on earth.
Praise be to your great love,
your mercy to a prodigal son like me.
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Canary word: Present
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I prefered the first over the second version. I think the first was stronger and sounded better. I didn't like the second one as much for some reason I don't know why, I think it was the wording I found better
I'm no expert on poetry, but I will say this: I felt the first far more strongly than I felt the second. I understood what you were feeling -- but the second was just a sort of pale echo.
Perhaps inexperienced eyes are unworthy eyes, but nevertheless, I prefer the first. :) Loved it, by the way!
~ aisho
Ah.... Very Nice!
I don't think anything needs to be done to it, my personal opinon.
As for which is better...
Well the first I kind of like better, but mainly because it's longer.
I don't really have a favorite, they're so good!
Good blessings on any more you decide to write!
I certainly prefer the layout of the second and altogether, it's more poetic. The first is in sort of a prayer format and has similar language to such so yeah, the second is best.
As for the actual content, I like the mention of the prodigal son but it's rather unoriginal and a touch insubstantial. Perhaps add some more imagery and expand on what you have. I do like it but I feel that it could be improved and also, it needs a better rhythm if it's a Psalm. Good luck on this,
Heather xx
I liked it, but it was perhaps a little too maudlin? I'm not saying the point you make was maudlin, just the way it was presented. Too melodramatic. Can't crit this properally - just wanted to say that I'd read it and liked it.
It was just a bit too melodramatic.