Young Writers Society

I thought it was good. The only thing I noticed was that the dialogue was kinda stale.

This was a very 2-D introduction--I felt little connection to anything you wrote. This had more to do with the fact that your characters were faceless than the fact that you're a bad writer, because you're not. You're actually very good. You simply over-explained the territory and minimized contact with the characters.

The archer was interesting, but only because he leapt among them after felling such a fearful enemy--after his fine shooting was over, he was pretty much as blah as the rest. Try making them all very personable, and not just fah-fah-fah -- sokool is right, this is hard to explain.

Try focusing on one character, and through her introducing the others, not just exposing them all like you would in an RPG. Looking at things through one point of view at a time is always easier for the reader, because, well, we only have one point of view. :) Does that help?

Lemme know if you're confused.

- aisho

P.S. THANKS FOR THE CRITIQUE

I agree with Sokool. Perhaps you should try introducing the characters gradually, instead of referring to them by their name when they first speak. You had a lot of description, and in this case it went quite smoothly, but you could try adding a bit more action or something of the like to get the story moving. Description is a good thing, but not if there's so much that it makes the readers bored, and waiting for a bit of excitement.

Nice cliffhanger, though. The plot, so far, sounds really promising. I hope you finish the story

Um, I liked the idea, but I agree with above crits. You did a lot of telling. I also didn't like it how you introduced all of the characters. For example:

"A girl was walking along the the road."
Okay, that's a fine beginning. We're expecting to hear a bit about the girl, what she's doing, maybe create part of the plot around her, get started with some mystery, tension, whatever...instead, this is what you say:

"A girl was walking along the road. Her name was Joanna Smith and she had violet eyes and black hair that swung behind her as she walked."

This is not so good. You're leaving us no mystery about the girl at all, and you're telling us everything. Even though you're telling us exactly what she looks like, we still have no image of who she is or whatever, because you just told us flatly. It's a bit boring, if you know what I mean.

So instead of saying,

"It is all very peaceful here," said the young woman, a high elf named Elyan.

I really like that! It sounds like a great story.

I do, however, have to agree with the show-don't-tell comment. When I'm reading, I feel like an observer, not part of the story.

Besides that, I have this pet peeve about tags. you use bit too many. Even if you're using creative alternatives of "said," it can chop up a perfectly nice piece of dialogue. This can help you show action, too. In your opening, instead of the pattern dialogue, said (or word for it), introduction, try varying some more. I've put the changes in red.


“It is all very peaceful here,” said the young woman, a high elf named Elyan.

“Aye it is, but not for long,” Her broher, Colan, rode up beside her.


“Let us enjoy its beauty while we can children for this is supposed to be a time of rest for us; a vacation,” Lady Elandril reminded them.

The two colossal spires showed above the canopy of trees. They were the symbol and the landmark for the City of Trees and were a natural wonder, especially in such a place.

-You should erase the highlighted section, sounds too awkward.

As ink said, there seems to be telling rather than showing. Your first paragraph needs to be better, as most people judge a story on its first paragraph. I can see Colan getting bullied as well, though you don't have to change the name if you dont want to.

I'm leaning towrds liking your story however, depending on how the next bits go (LOTR freak ).

I don't like this, in my usual contrast to Ratchet.
And it isn't my usual elf/dwarf bias, either.

You do entirely too much telling, not enough showing.

"
The two colossal spires showed above the canopy of trees. Um, showed doesn't work here...try "stood above the carpet of trees" or something..."canopy" usually refers to ceiling, as in the canopy of a four-poster, but in this case it's redundant.They were the symbol and the landmark for the City of Trees and were a natural wonder, especially in such a place. Show, and do not tell. Their hard rock Who's hard rock? The trees? Once again, show and don't tell. was surrounded by buildings built into their sides and crevices. Such a thing was strange for a land of trees, stones, moss, ferns, and bubbling streams; You could say "nature" and get rid of many unnecessary words. but the people of the land took pride in them.

Once again, chief, your main problem is that your telling and not showing. I'm pretty much bored.

" Five riders approached the city, staring aghast at the colossal giants. The silence of the forest and the beauty of the place filled them with awe.
I added the space here for my own sanity
As they came closer to the city you need a comma here the silence was broken by the noise of a swift little stream, bubbling over its bed. Sigh...unnecessary detail, yet again.

“It is all very peaceful here,” said the young woman, a high elf named Elyan.

“Aye it is, but not for long,” replied the girl’s brother, Colan. "

A quickie little note here, the name Colan sounds uncannily like "colon", which is, er, let's say an unfavorable name to give somebody. I'll let you look up the word. Show and don't tell!

"
“Let us enjoy its beauty while we can children for this is supposed to be a time of rest for us; a vacation,” reminded Lady Elandril, the wife of High Elder Tharassil and the mother of the two. The High Elder Tharassil was the leader of the high elves and was on an extremely important visit to the City of Trees. The visit was concerning war and if war did come he wanted to have spent some time with his family beforehand, so he had brought them along with him.
The fifth rider was not taking in the luxury of the ride, but was looking at the path."

Do I really need to say more to this section than "show, don't tell"? You're telling us much about the characters, but we don't feel anything for them, because they have no personality.

Other than that major problem, you have a couple of grammatical errors:

1} "... was a Dugon (evil, beardless, and slightly thinner than normal dwarves who are said to have goblin blood)..."

OK, parentheses are a big no-no when you're narrating. They break the flow of the story and make it feel like an afterthought. Try to incorporate that information into the story flow.

2]"...scout on a giant wolf!"
Another thing, you can't use exclamation points in narration unless it's in first person. "A giant wolf!" makes it sound rather childish and the kid is going, "an' it was THIS big! :gestures wildly with arms:" See what I mean? It just doesn't work.

3] You're missing quite a few commas and hyphens. A quick proofread should have revealed those.

Overall, greenjay, I wasn't hooked into the story. The style isn't luring me into it and the characters are cardboard, the scene cliche and the the narration divided between the actual story and breaks for appearance/backstory infodumps.

If you have any questions on my review, feel free to PM me.

Ink

Wow...

Well I thought that while the description flowed great and was clear, it was just under having too much.

But that's not a bad thing. It's not too much. It's just right.

Besides encouragement and that comment, I like you cliffhanger.
Is there more sneak peaks to come, or is there a place I can read more?

I'll try to give you something more helpful next time.

Oh, and the names sounded very elvish, nice!