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125,018 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hi!
I really like this poem. I really do. I, for one, am not a fan of math. I sort of struggle on a few things. I just can't get them right, no matter how many times people explain them to me.
This poem is good; I did not see any errors except for one:
THE BEATS!
That's right. The beats. Most poetry need to have the same number of beats per line. The poem runs smoother and sounds smoother when said out loud or said mentally. It was hard to read the poem. Take a look at this:
"They toss you and turn you
then run am-ok
I have a math test to-mor-row
so wish me good luck"
The word "tomorrow" have three beats. The first line has 6 beats, the second has 4 beat, the third has 8 beats, and the fourth has 5 beats. Try to shorten or lengthen your beats. If a poem is supposed to have 8 beats in all the lines, then all the lines MUST have 8 beats. It sounds smoother and clearer, if you know what I mean. I hope my advice makes sense.
I think, other than that, you did a good job.
Good luck and keep writing!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.
And here we are on your most recent submission for your second better-late-than-never make-up Secret Santa Review. Hopefully these will both be helpful enough to you that you forgive whoever didn't manage to review you the first time around. haha.
So! Obviously this brings me back to those days of geography and tracing with compasses and all that good stuff. It's a fun poem. I'm not sure if you want to really work on it, because it seems like it could be just a one-time thing to make whoever happens across it here on YWS smile. The cutest part is the end, where you have a lovely rhyme, narrative, and image all mixed up together. It definitely leaves the reader with a smile.
I think, however, that if you were interested, it could be made stronger! Really, it would just have to do with making sure you don't force your rhymes. You have good material, but it's often paired with something less awesome to complete the rhyme. For example:
The "easy to measure yet hard to sketch" is great and perfect, because it's absolutely what a circle is. However, you've got a silly line to pair with it. You say the curve is vast, which is okay, because vast is an adjective, but you also say it's stretch? But stretch is a verb? How can a noun be a verb? I know you cut it to try to rhyme, but it's really obvious to anyone reading it that you let the rhyme take over here.
The next stanza is awesome. You chose really strong words and they all seemed natural, but you lose the groove after that. Think of your original message and try to stick to it. Don't let the rhyme get the better of you!
I loved, too, that you thought of different cultures and different ways to see a circle. It definitely brings in variety and spice to your poem.
So, yes! Let me know if you have any questions or comments about this review.
Otherwise, good luck and keep writing!
A great job done. The comical theme was quite interesting and I liked your ending. Your colourful adverbs and adjectives made the poem easy and fun to read. Your rhyming words and arrangement was great. Your starting was also remarkable.
Hey! It is the Yubster here to review for you! I don't usually review poetry too hard, so don't be afraid, I don't bite!
First things first, I love the comical way you described the circle. While others think it is maybe too childish, I think it is a very refreshing take on poetry posted here. Most everything else is about heartbreaks, social tensions, or other dark and depressing themes. This light hearted poem really is an original work that has a heap of thought and effort poured into it.
Your rhyme scheme adds so much of your inner child to this poem, it really brings it to life. The title sounds so serious at the beginning. Ode to...a Circle (?) It really made me question this at first; made me wonder if you were really a little kid just pretending to be sixteen, but when I read the poem, I realized it was just a comical take on something a lot of people find really difficult, math (Ugh, I hate math...).
The way you described it in the very first stanza really made me laugh, but agree whole heartedly with you.
“Endless curve,
so vast and stretch.
Easy to measure
yet hard to sketch.”
No matter how hard I try, I cannot sketch a perfect circle. It’s always too long or narrow, squished or flat. It brought back many memories of seventh grade art classes, my elderly teacher shaking her head, growling that my squashed circles weren’t good enough for her satisfaction.
Bringing in ancient history to the poem gives it more depth, good job on creating something so well-rounded.
“Romans knew you as “orbis”
and Egyptians “360”.
Although a math room’s love
is a great scarcity.”
Talking about the ways that you can solve the questions when involving circles is an ingenuous way to drag your attentive readers into the poem. I congratulate you again on how well thought out this is. I can tell just by reading it how much work you put into this excellent piece of poetry.
“I shall not falter;
I shall not deter.
I will solve for ‘x’
and your diameter.”
The use of very strange and bizarre and/or uncommon words in a creative way to liven and spice up a boring piece of work. You’ve got that going for you.
“Endless curve,
so vast and stretch.
Easy to measure
yet hard to sketch.
I shall not falter;
I shall not deter.
I will solve for ‘x’
and your diameter.
Romans knew you as “orbis”
and Egyptians “360”.
Although a math room’s love
is a great scarcity.
Why, my dear Circle,
do others fear?
Your lack of angles
is something so clear.
They toss you and turn you
then run amok.
I have a math test tomorrow,
so wish me good luck!”
Keep up the good work gokubrother! I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work. Good luck with your writing!
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
Only you would make something like math into poetry! I really liked it.
It was a bit juvenile, and lacked depth, but it was fun to read. In many places, I got the impression that you wanted to make it rhyme rather than getting a message across. Keep writing!
Very simple, wet a wonderful piece.
There does seem to be a bit of a flow issue in the second and third stanza's, but they are minor.
A rarity, a poem about Pi.
amazing poem. it flows nicely (I have troubles with that.) and it was well thought out. oh yeah, and GOOD LUCK!!!
This is great poem, especially about math. Good luck on your test!
I'm gonna need it. I'm sitting here writing poems when I should be studying.
I really like this poem/ode! Your rhymes are very well put together and I feel like the whole thing was well thought out. It is certainly a well-rounded piece! (ok, ok, pun intended). You, could, though, in the second to last line say "I've a math test tomorrow," because that way it might flow a little better.
Thank you for the suggestion (and the punny joke)! I'll take a look at it and see what I'll do.