Bed of Roses
With bright eyes, she looked away;
leaking sadness and despair.
She wreathes in sorrow;
a leaky faucet without repair.
For whom must she weep?
Such grieving and pain;
dark clouds hover above,
and slowly begin to rain.
In darkness and gloom
she abhors; she hates.
Within life and nightmares,
great billows of scarlet precipitate
Amidst fear that once was
and the storm that now rose,
there exists no suffering;
no requiem, no woes.
At the end of a deluge,
forever dormant, ever slight,
she lies silent and still.
Feeling no more of her plight.
In a bed of her own roses, she lies;
such is oblivion: her prize.
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140,854 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Goku, this us amazing. I probably should have Read the synopsis before asking this, but I didn't so oh well: what was your inspiration? If the poem had been about a male character then obviously you would have been your own inspiration as it is easy to picture someone writing a story like this about themselves if they are goof through a stressful time in their lives, but since it is a female character I am left a little unsure of your motivation. Also, in the first stanza last line you make a reference to electrical appliances which I found a bit off compared to the rest of the language you used. Otherwise it was absolutely incredible. However, in the last stanza (I think) you say "a bed of her own roses" which makes sense both gramaricky and with the syllables so it sounds great, but the metaphor is a little more in depth and I can grasp (without some time to think, that is) or is incomplete. The thing is, I for one, as a reader, look for the greatest point of metaphoric power in the line of the poem/stanza which contains the title or a referenc to the title of the piece. Just a thought
This is,without a doubt, a poem that has little to no need for review and of course I can find nothing wrong with it. I love the way you describe it, and though more looks on her pain would be nice I understand the mystery of it, and it makes me extremely satisfied all at the same time(confusing,I know, but it is the best explanation I can do right now
) Well, I see no need for vocabulary improvement and all of the words seemed to be spelled correctly.
Keep writing, and I love it!!
This is brilliant. Seriously, I was far girling about it in chat so very much.
I don't have the time to give you a review, but know this.
You are a brilliant poet.
Keep Writing.
Thank you very much! It's the first poem I've written in a while so I'm surprised people would like it that much.
fangirling*
Hello there Goku! Dogs here with your review today. Alrighty, excellent piece of writing here. I truly enjoyed reading this piece. You have excellent and smooth rhyming that doesn't once seem out of place, your word choice in this poem is incredibly well picked and makes the image for this piece stronger in the readers head. Although, because most the time you use such excellent words, some of the simpler descriptors stand out like a sore thumb because of the excellent vocab you've been using.
"leaking sadness and despair."
I'm not entirely sure why, but "leaking" in this line really really bugs me. I think there are better descriptors you could use here, perhaps something more like: "Oozing, secreting, or seeping." Of course, if you're having troubles with finding a better word, look up "leaking" in a thesaurus. It really helps trust me.
"A conduit without repair."
Although you use excellent vocab, this line sounds weird because a "conduit" is a "a channel for conveying water." So it's like saying: "A channel without repair." Which doesn't make much sense. This is really the only time that your rhyme sounds a little forced, trying to bend the line to make the rhyme. It makes the poem sound a tad bit choppy.
"Dark clouds hover above,"
Nice imagery, although seems like a little disconnected thought to the original idea. Also, "Dark" came after a semi colon so it shouldn't be capitalized.
Pretty good for the rest of the poem. Although some things seem a little disconnected as the poem never really comes back to the "conduit without repair." Try to make that line a little more purposeful than just the rhyme in your poem. I loved the wording you chose in this piece, excellent writing my friend. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thank you very much for the feedback, dogs. I assure you, the thesaurus was a great asset in the composition of this text.
Well, when I wrote the word "leaking" it didn't sound quite right to me at first as well, so I consulted my thesaurus and came upon such words as "oozing" and "seeping", but since in that particular line I was referring to the eyes crying. "Oozing" and "seeping" would bring an image of a viscous liquid in the reader's mind (at least that's what I believe).
Now, when I thought of a conduit, I knew full well that it was a channel for conveying water, or a fountain perhaps. My true aim there was to convey that within her mind (the conduit) were no longer passing thoughts of purity (water). I'm terribly sorry if it sounds way off. I'll see if I can modify it.
What I was aiming for throughout the poem was the particularity of rain and how many people, when sad or glum, say that they wish it would rain; as if the world were to cry with them.
In all cases, I'll truly take this advice to heart and will work on the little things in my future works. Thank you!
Chris A. (Goku)