The sun trickles through the leaves toward us as we tackle the lonely forest
The place is filled with sweet songs of various birds that follow the beat of our feet crunching the dead leaves. You couldn’t see them upon a glance, but if you were to focus all around you, a flicker of a wing would dance in the corner of your eye. Such a place is a palace of adventure children like us - a whole new world that twirls in peaceful serenity.
We come to a small opening within the woods that is teaming with amazement. Not only does the soft ray of the sun lighting up the area dazzle us, but the small details do as well: such as the flowers that hang above the ground with gloriously unique colours that decorate the grass or the fresh pine smell that tickles your nose.
“Wow.” Comes an amused whisper from Lilly, who observes the place in satisfaction next to me. I smile at her with a nod to agree. It truly was a sight one would hate to miss.
“We should come here more often!” I suggest. Her eyes flick to me and a grin spreads across her face. We agree on tomorrow before turning to leave the sanctuary of the forest.
***
A loud beeping shatters my ears. With a yawn I get out of bed and drag my feet to the window. The sun has already risen and cars whiz urgently through the roads. Well, by the sun, I mean a virtual set of pixels that represent the sun from before particulates filled the earth. I close my curtains and sigh with dismay. Time for breakfast, I guess.
I drag my weary feet down the stairs to the kitchen and slump into the chair. Mum is there already, tapping in her choices for breakfast. A bowl of chocolate coloured flakes are placed in front of me as parent bot gets to work.
“Can I go to the forest today?” I ask.
“Whatever you want dear.” Mumbles my so-called mother. I grin and hurriedly finish my breakfast before sprinting back upstairs to my room. I sit on my bed and message Lilly that I am able to come – which receives a joyful reply not long after.
“Would you like to come now?” The reply asks.
“Yeah sure.” I grin even larger and hop off my bed in excitement. I place my phone on my desk and grab the VR device that sits ready for me. It slots easily on my head and the screen flickers on.
“Where would you like to go today?” Questions the robotic voice. I select the option that lies at the top of my list and the screen flickers to another. This is quickly followed by another robotic voice:
“Loading Forest.”
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139,909 Literary Works • 672,737 Reviews
HI godlypopo
I really enjoyed reading this. To be quite honest I didn't expect the twist at the end with the VR device. I like how you created a very compelling character that everyone would feel good about and ended up showing some negative (at least I perceived it that way) characteristics of her.
Something I would have enjoyed would have been going deeper into the plot of two things, one an adventure in the forest and the relationship with the friend. And second the relationship with the mother. You mention a "so-called" mother, which kind of lost me at some point but maybe that's just me looking for drama where it isn't supposed to be. I just like some darkness in a short story as it ads to imagination a lot.
Another thing you could have added is some more development on the plot. The building up to the climax is quite clear and quick, which is good depending on the story but in this case leaves to much to imagination and when you hit the twist at the end all of the imagination crashes down. There's no way of follow the story for the reader. This can also means a complement if that was what you were trying to achieve but I like to keep the reader attached to the story by feeding their imagination a bit more. But of course, this is just my opinion and it's just meant to make you think.
Keep on the good work and hope my comments help.
Hello,
I really enjoyed reading this the first section and how you described the forest made me really think that we were in a forest it was just awesome. I liked that it was just a short story it was such a pleasure to read.
The second the section was such a surprise because instead of going to the 'real' forest. It's almost as if they are 'controlled' by the VR, Like an escape from reality.
Keep up the great work!!
I love the sharp contrast between the imagery provided early-on and the true meaning of the story that the twist at the end provides. And it's a great twist, because if you just skimmed through the story you wouldn't notice unless you were really thinking about it. Then you think about it, and it's just like "whoa, wow." I really appreciate stories like that, as well the finer touches placed like "so-called" before the main character describes her mother, subtly demonstrating the lack of human qualities possessed by the robot.
This was a unique and fun piece of writing, I enjoyed it a lot. The concept is good enough so that you could also expand this past just a short, if you'd so like.
Thank you
Yes, more of them short stories. These things are severely underrated these days.
Hello again, it's me. I'm pretty pleased to find an elusive short story under this haystack of novel chapters. It's gonna be a pleasure taking a look at this for you kek
***
I'd like to get this out of the way before we get into the main meat of this review. First sentence in and I see a punctuation error. Two paragraphs later I see a typo (teeming?) pls fix b0ss i cabt uderstand
In all seriousness though, proper grammar and mechanics should be taken care of from the very beginning. It's pretty much the most basic form of good writing.
***
Moving on, the biggest concern of this story can be expressed in one question: What is the conflict of this story? I'm going to be real for a bit: this story is very boring, and this is attributed to the lack of conflict in this "short story."
It's like the ordinary, perfect and unexciting life of a girl in a futuristic world. The story starts off with the main character having a little bit of fun in the forest before she leaves. The next day, she gets up, gets some cereal, then goes back into the forest with her friend.
There is no conflict whatsoever. The plot goes so perfectly, too perfectly, without a hint of darkness lurking just around the corner. The main character doesn't get injured in the forest, nor does she get lost in it, nor does she get trapped in this virtual world. She doesn't suffer any aftereffects of using virtual reality. She doesn't even stub her little toe against furniture the next morning. In essence, this is a story about a girl exiting and reentering a virtual forest without any problems or glitches. There is nothing that spices up the story at all. Like I said, it's the ordinary, perfect, unexciting life of a girl in a futuristic world.
***
Next thing I'd like to talk about is the descriptive paragraphs. This could've at least made this dull story something beautiful through its vivid and colorful ways of describing the virtual forest... if only the descriptions knew exactly what they were describing.
Here are all the sensory details/imagery that were used to create (or at least attempt to create) an image of a forest:
-sun trickles through the leaves
-sweet songs of various birds
-a flicker of a wing that dances at the corner of your eye
-palace of adventure children
-a whole new world that twirls in peaceful serenity
-soft ray of the sun lighting up the area
-the flowers that hang above the ground with gloriously unique colours that decorate the grass
-the fresh pine smell that tickles your nose
It's been explicitly stated and reiterated over and over again in the story that the setting in the first half was a virtual forest. However, these details above don't create a sufficient image of a forest. When we say forest, we imagine trees everywhere. But has it been stated that there were many trees around? Nope, it does not. When we say forest, we imagine an area that is abundant and diverse in flora and fauna. But is there any form of biodiversity in this forest? Aside from the birds, flowers, grass, and the vaguely-described trees, there's barely anything that we can call a part of a diverse ecosystem.
The problem in this part is that the descriptions do not know what they are describing. It does not know what setting or image it is trying to present to the reader.
What I'd suggest to improve the descriptive parts is to give your descriptions something to describe, something for the details to revolve around, or in other words, a goal in mind. This can be achieved by setting up a dominant impression in the form of a sentence. For example, the dominant impression could be, "The virtual forest is abundant and diverse in flora and fauna." That dominant impression would be the subject that your descriptive sentences will describe.
Now that you know what you'll describe, and how you'll describe it, it's time to add in the details. Everything you add should be related to the dominant impression; the virtual forest is abundant and diverse in flora and fauna, and abundant and diverse it will be. Add in all sorts of plants: tall and robust oak trees, the soft and gentle grass, the shy shrubs and bushes that house flowers that come in all shapes, colors and sizes, and all those fancy things. Then add in the fauna: different species of colorful birds, deer that can be seen prancing around, squirrels scurrying and jumping up and down trees, foxes chasing rabbits across the forest floor, etc. Everything detail in here describes the dominant impression/main idea/thesis statement, and that is how good descriptive paragraphs work.
***
Overall, I'd give this a meh/1337. However, even though it's a pretty low rating, it's refreshing to see a short story once in a while. All these novel chapters are getting pretty tedious. More short stories pls.
Anyways, that's all that I have for now. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
Thanks for the review. I would have stronger descriptions but I was limited to 500 words sorry for not saying.
But thankyou anyway ^-^ I'll keep the advice for future shorts
Limited to 500 words. If your goal in mind was a flash fiction, why not include a word count at the end of the story? It's a common practice for flash fiction or short shorts.
Ah OK ^-^ I'll do that!
My, this was a darker story than I had been expecting. I guess I shouldn't have let the descriptions of the perfectly tranquil and beautiful forest get in my way, shouldn't I? XD
Anyways, well done, godlypopo! This turned out to be a fascinating and complex science fiction story, and I love the way that you conveyed the scenes in this work in so few words. Something about going through the forest was charming, particularly when it came to the concepts of a beautiful world and the sounds of singing birds. Personally, I feel that the forest could've been described in greater detail (for instance, how large is it? How long have they been there? How much have they explored? What other wonders wait around every corner?), although I'm rather happy with the descriptions I already see. After all, here are a couple of good friends having this wonderful time in their life in a forest that might be lonely, but has the beauty and personality to make it seem anything but. And you managed to communicate all of this, as well as some basic aspects of their personality and admiration for the forest, within a few paragraphs. Honestly, it would've been nice to see more dialogue, and perhaps get a greater sense of the both of them as individuals as they explore the landscape. What are their behaviors? What are their thoughts? How well do they get along with each other, and how do they regard their present situation?
On the other hand, the conciseness of the work, which reminds me of flash fiction, isn't half bad. This is particularly the case during the second half of the work, in which you drop a few bombshells on the audience by revealing the fakeness of well...everything. The sun, the mother, and even the forest itself, which is nothing but a VR simulation. You provide just enough evidence and detail to surprise your audience, while also not overextending yourself and diluting such messages. At the same time, it also makes the audience willing to continue to read your story, especially as they glimpse some signs that all is not well in this otherwise peaceful world. I know it makes me curious as to just how much of this is actually real. Certainly, the narrator doesn't seem happy with it, until the opportunity to go off with her friend into the virtual reality forest is proposed. Honestly, I don't think you need to provide details with regard to the history of the world itself - it leaves me surprised, and starts to cause me to weave my own connections and ponder the future of our own world. Thus, when it comes the general themes and descriptions within your story, I'm surprised and fascinated.
Thanks for presenting this marvelous story; it was fun to read and make sense of, particularly as you introduced your science-fiction elements! This was nicely-composed, well-written, stood happily on a decent balance between conciseness and descriptiveness, and captivated me. All in all, well done!
Thank you so much!
Hello, this was a pleasure to read! I enjoyed the setting in the first half of your piece. It was filled with descriptions that provided a wonderful image in my head. I also liked the wording you used near the end of the very first paragraph.
The second half of your piece really took me by surprise. Does this piece take place in a world where humans no longer exist and are replaced by robots that act similar to them? The fact that the main character could eat and has a slot in their head for the VR device was an interesting concept.
Keep writing!
Thank you ^-^