Wine glass half full
Emptied by a man
Who stood on his own sentence
Certainly not his kind
Wandering on a silver road
Dangling by a thread
Wondering where life still stood
And death soon began
* * * * *
Beer bottle sitting
On a path not yet stricken
Of pain and unworthiness
Dumped by that man
Living off nothing
Except his own flesh and blood
Accepting what is
And not what will become
* * * * *
To find one's own way
In a time blown far away
Listening to the bird's call
Until there's nothing left.
Breathing in the air
While there is no pastime
Just the broken fumes
Of a time bomb not yet exploded
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hi, Glovegg ^-^ Nice to meet you. I think this is the first time I've read any of your work, so I'll give it my best and most helpful review.
This is a very well written piece, let me say. You have beautiful word use, and I didn't feel like anything was added just to make the piece "sound cool" like some do (even I did it in my younger days lol) But anyhoo, this piece is lovely. I was drawn in from the beginning. It has a personality and shows your style a bit--it's like it sort of tells us who you are through your writing.
The only thing that I didn't quite grasp was the reference:
"Who stood on his own sentence
Certainly not his kind
Wandering on a silver road"
Maybe it's something personal, or I'm just missing the point? I thought it was interesting to read, but I must have missed the "point". What is it saying in that part? What is the "silver road". . . ?
I did LOVE this part btw:
Living off nothing
"Except his own flesh and blood
Accepting what is
And not what will become"
It showed a lot of style and creativity. Very nicely done. But your last stanza is the icing on the cake:
"To find one's own way
In a time blown far away
Listening to the bird's call
Until there's nothing left.
Breathing in the air
While there is no pastime
Just the broken fumes
Of a time bomb not yet exploded"
I thought that was beautiful, and it turned the piece into something really amazing. I might work on the first stanza just a tad, just to make it more clear what you're trying to say. It's a bit TOO abstract. Abstract can be good in poetry, but in this case it was a bit confusing and drew my mind off of the piece's "point". Anyhoo!
My last question is this:
"*******"
Why do you add those? Not that I mind, but I think the piece would look better, flow better, without the "***"
Anyhoo, lovely piece, keep writing and posting ^-^
Catnip~
Oh my goodness catnip, amazing review!
It really gave me a reflection of what I probably need to work on so it doesn't seem like an inside joke. 
And to be quite honest..sometimes I don't quite understand my own writing either. It all spills out, and it seems so fascinating, I want to keep it..
Oh, I added those because it wouldn't let me have spaces in between there..
THANK YOU!!
Heh a lot about liquor. xD Nice job though. Your representations are very clear and the point is throughout the poem. Very well done! I felt it was a story, you could see the life going on. The descriptions were perfect and I had no problem deciphering what you were saying.
Heh a lot about liquor. xD Nice job though. Your representations are very clear and the point is throughout the poem. Very well done! I felt it was a story, you could see the life going on. The descriptions were perfect and I had no problem deciphering what you were saying.
Thank you oh so much!!
Ok glovegg, very creative poem
. You need punctuation and It was written in a weird format that I didn't mind. It was full of good imagery and it was easy to read. It wasn't choppy and flowed very nicely. I enjoyed reading it and I hope to see. More soon
Hmmm, I really like this. It was different and not what I was expecting. Nice work.
Okie dokie, I'll be doing your review today. I'll do a line by line edit for you.
Wine glass half full
Emptied by a man Add comma
Who stood on his own sentence
Certainly not his kind This line seems like its not quite flowing. Everything else has a steady beat. I'd suggest changing the word kind to something else.
Wandering on a silver road
Dangling by a thread
Wondering where life still stood
And death soon began
On a side note you only have to seperate your poem by a single space. The astrics arent necessary
Beer bottle sitting
On a path not yet stricken
Of pain and unworthiness
Dumped by that man
Living off nothing
Except his own flesh and blood
Accepting what is
And not what will become Make sure you are using correct grammar and punctualization, add in periods and commas when needed. Here add a period.
To find one's own way
In a time blown far away
Listening to the bird's call
Until there's nothing left.
Breathing in the air
While there is no pastime
Just the broken fumes
Of a time bomb not yet exploded Add period. Also I feel like there are various possibilities on how this could end. With the flow that was going I feel this ends with a thud. However, if that is what you are going for, that's a good thing.
Great job on spelling everything correctly and your flow was great for the most part.
Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay
Thank you!!!
I had to put in the *** because other wise there would've had been no spaces.
This was a great review, thank you. This is my current style of writing poetry, I realize I need to probably work on it. So thank you so so much!
Hey, I have that problem often posting. Since its written in bbc and this can be fixed with a simple code entered into the space you want the break. Enter <br/> I believe.
Thank you!! <3