Published February 25, 2011
Preface
The door cracks. Kurt pushes it further until he has space enough to walk through. Inside it’s dark, but up ahead there are xenon lamps to shine on the dusty concrete floor. There are two broken windows whose shattered glass is covered in rust that has fallen from the old metal pipes that hang above them. The floor is covered in dark spatters that maybe only look like blood. Kurt feels that something is wrong about this place but convinces himself not to be afraid.
He breathes deeply and struts forward until he reaches a crowd of people waiting for the same thing as he does. It’s still early, but all those people are already here. Competition must be tough. He’ll have to try hard to get into the show – “The Labyrinth.”
He swallows and goes next to a tall girl – not taller than him though – with azure eyes. She has dark straight hair that’s cascading gently over her shoulders, and prominent sharp features.
"Hey," he says casually.
"Don’t speak now," she shushes him with an undeniable authority. There’s something like grit in her voice.
Kurt leans closer. It feels awkward, but he forces himself to stay cool.
"Why?" he whispers.
"I want to hear them."
"Hear who?" he asks.
"Stop," she whispers and strains her ears to hear better. Kurt struggles to notice what she hears too, but fails. He follows her gaze and it leads him to a metal door. A blue misty light comes from underneath. It flickers.
"What are they doing?" he hears himself ask.
"I don’t know," the girl tells him, this time less imposingly. ‘It’s scary here.’
"Agree," he mumbles. He keeps staring at the murky light coming from under the door. It gives him shivers down his spine. Suddenly the light fades away.
"Did you hear that?" the girl next to him asks.
"No. What?" He’s curious.
"A scream," she confesses with horror. Her eyes are wide with fear, he lips trembling.
The door opens. A pale man steps out. His hair is platinum blond and he wears sunglasses. Kurt looks at the girl by his right. She’s scared. And whether he wants to deny it or not, he is too. The pale figure at the door watches them. A sly half-smile appears on his face.
"Next are Ivy Maverick and Kyle Juneau," he declares.
"I don’t want to go," the girl next to Kurt whispers.
"You’re Ivy?"
She nods subtly, swallowing soundly.
"They don’t bite," he tells her, not feeling sure if he wants to go into that dark room himself.
Ivy presses her lips together. Without a word, she hurries to the door. Another guy joins her and the pale man ushers them into the room. Ivy gives Kurt one more glance and he nods to show her it’s okay. Then she goes inside and the door makes a weird noise when it is slammed behind them.
This time, Kurt listens carefully, wanting to hear what Ivy was talking about. The blue light from under the door was back, but beside the annoying murmur of the crowd, he could hear nothing.
Nothing at all.
Nothingness.
Minutes slip by smoothly – like in an hourglass – and then he hears it.
A scream.
It is deep and desperate. And . . . terrified. His jaw drops open.
The blue light ceases.
Ivy.
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141,274 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Yeah, it would be better if you used quotation marks when people speak, because you don't really know if they're talking or the character is saying something with apostraphes (I can't spell that well today, sorry). Anyway, overall, I thought it was pretty, and I am looking forward to be seeing the rest of the chapters.
First of all, I would like to say that you have a nice idea to build a novel upon. This definitely has the potential to become a great story.
But sadly this preface is too vague to draw a reader inside.
I would like you to add more descriptions; I would like to have a more solid description of the girl and the dark room.
I would also like you to stop telling so much and start showing. Or else you could first show and then tell, or vice-versa.
For example, instead of just telling us the room was creepy, first describe the creepy characteristics of the room and then state that the room was creepy.
Also I would recommend you to write the following sentences in different lines, it will have a greater impact. Believe it or not, structure is very important in maintaining readers' interest in the story.
Structure it like this-
The last line was sort of weak. Although you were able to build the tension in the last few lines, but the end kind of ruined it for me. Rephrase the last line.
Also I would recommend you to read Victorian writers to bring a mature feeling to your work. Also spend more time in phrasing sentences, pay more attention to how you narrate your story.
But overall I do see immense potential. But as with all other great things in life, you too will have to work hard.
Hope you found me helpful.
Spikey!
This was really cool, I'll definitely be looking out for your next chapters. I think plot-wise this is really good, but why do you use apostrophes instead of quotation marks? It's not a big deal, but a little annoying for a weird grammar-freak like me. Really, though, no complaints.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Uberquick review here as I'm scanning it just before going to bed.
This doesn't seem like something this mysterious girl would say, much less whisperwhy would she be absent minded about something that seems to terrify her?
that's about all I could find, just a little mix up with tenses at the end. Hope I helped!
I think this is a really good start. There were only two problems that caught my mind.
It might just be a typo, but I think the word should be agreed. Also, I think it is another typo, but it should be her instead of he. Overall, I really liked it.