Dirigibles

Thanks for the reviews guys!

Gema,

I actually kind of fell into this piece, I like it in all its brevity. I love the image this creates and the style of it kind of reminds me of such iconic pieces like "Red Wheelbarrow" - where to me, when I read it, this feels like it's really trying to capture an image and leave you with an impression. Let's dive right in.

I don't think you need your first line - especially with a title like 'Dirigibles', there's already the suggestion of more than one airship. It may be better to utilize that first line to dive right into the meat of the poem, plus empyrean giants is the more stronger line - I think through the word-choice alone it is already suggesting much of the mood, tone, and place of the poem. We get this strong imagery, and awed sense of these giant airships just in those two words - so why not start here?

Now, the next line, "of wind and ice" sort of falls flat against such lines like cloud-wrought steel and empyrean giants - it feels like more of a placeholder or a pacing mat. Those words are purely transitional rather than a line that stands on its own and adds to the poem. On the one hand, we do want to see more imagery and description, but on the other hand, just your topic of airship is going to bring to mind these sorts of obvious imagery of wind, air, etc. so it's not enough to mention these words, but how are you going to utilize some of those words in a different way, or shed light to these words to share a different perspective? Allow the sky or your elements to be personified in order to add intimacy and intrigue to this piece. For example, you can say the sky rains or you can say the sky bleeds. One is obvious imagery, and the other is personified conflict. See how a sky bleeding suggests a negative, hurtful connotation? We think the sky is wounded, and we don't want the sky to bleed, but we sympathize and feel closer to those words because we have all bled before.

Thus, don't simply say the obvious "of wind/ice" instead, utilize the obvious to bring out layers of depth. Utilize strong verbs to bring out conflicts and action that we can relate to. Those are purely my suggestions.

I think that you actually do this already in your next line, "cloud-wrought steel" And splendidly so! In this line, "cloud" becomes more than just a noun suggesting scenery. In that line, it becomes this metaphor for transformation, it becomes the birthplace of your subject, an essence likened to lava or molten forged steel/iron/etc. It becomes juxtaposed against something so unlike clouds, we have the soft, condensed, cool sort of air of the word "cloud" and we have the hard, sharp bite of the word steel together in one line. That dynamic and juxtaposition is interesting! The way that you can take a noun like cloud with an adjective like "wrought" and together "cloud-wrought" it suggests action and a history of weather-battered ships and this is ultimately what you want to do with poetry, this is the sort of thing you want to maintain with each and every line.

Your firmament ties things together nicely, but the use of "float" here I feel is lazy. I understand the appeal of the alliteration but the overall effect of the poem seems as an after thought. You have these cloud-wrought airships, and twice you've made suggestions to the heavens whence they fly in, but that's where you leave it. Floats is your SOLE verb in this entire piece and it is not enough to carry the piece. We have a strong sense of beginning, we have a cohesive bit of diction, even have a bit of a middle here, but there's no ending, no resolution or incitement for interest here. At the end, I'm left thinking to myself "So...what?"

Maybe try to really pierce at the heart of what is happening, on what needs to happen, on what kind of verbs you want to use, or what it is you want said? I do feel a grand-epic evocation of a world, like we're harkening back to a past or a future, of heaven and fleets and warships. But nothing about what impact this leaves, or what this image suggests other than imagery? It needs an emotion tied to it, it needs a verb and an impact on the reader other than "this is pretty images". Who is the speaker?

So that is the biggest fault that I can find - pieces like "The Red Wheelbarrow" while image-driven, do still give you a sense of who the speaker is through the photographic lens of who is viewing this image, i.e. when it opens "so much depends" it lets you know that there is thought to the farmers' livelihoods who find the wheelbarrow a necessary tool - so - I feel like this piece is almost there, but not quite. Perhaps a first line that frames a perspective, just like Williams Carlos Williams uses "so much depends" is what this piece needs? That, and a stronger action verb than "floats".

Other than that, I found it a terrific piece that utilizes brevity well~ (and brevity is such a hard thing to master, kudos!) despite a few instances that can use a bit more polishing. I hope this helps!

~ as always, Audy

Hi! It's Kaila here for a review.

Wow! This is really pretty even though it is so short. I actually like the fact that it's so short, for two reasons. One: I can keep it on the same screen while I'm writing this review, which is very nice Two: having a shorter poem means that the reader has to pay more attention to each detail of it because there is less to distract from the core meaning.

I'm sort of confused what this poem is trying to say... is it like talking about the things you can see in the clouds maybe?? It's good to make a reader work to figure out the message of a poem like this, but I would be careful to make sure the reader CAN figure it out if they put the effort in.

Nice poem, overall!