This poem just came to me ,so I thought I might share it. I hope you like it please review I take harsh reviews as well because I need them in order to improve my writing :).
Slowly it melts
Slowly I breath
The new air that
You have seemed
To provide for
Me.
Slowly it melts
Slowly I become
More scared from
This weird feeling
That has just begun
Slowly it melts
Slowly I blush
When our eyes
Seem to make
Contact in the
Halls of rush
Slowly it melts
Slowly I question
, “there’s no
Way he could notice
Me, I’m nothing
Near to perfection.”
Slowly it melts
Slowly I feel,
Weak because
You are finally
Noticing me
Slowly it melts
Slowly I laugh
From every
Joke you say to me
Slowly it melts
Slowly I smile
From the way
You act almost
Like a chimpanzee
Slowly it melts
Slowly I feel that
This feeling
Grows bigger
And bigger each
Year
Slowly it melts
Slowly I fall
Every second
More in love
Slowly it melts
Slowly I notice
That this new
Feeling won’t
Go un-noticed
Slowly it melts
Slowly I see
That this world
Was made for
You and me.
No more melting.
No more waiting.
For the one thing
That thawed my heart
Was the one person
That I knew from
The very start.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hi Gabby, for the formatting issues with the spacing try looking at this article: How to format your poetry on YWS
Now for reviewing the rest of your poem:
I love the repletion of the words "slowly" "melting" and "waiting", it adds to the tone of the piece and makes the entire poem seem cohesive.
The last five lines are really lovely, it gives the feeling of new love springing and fits with the title perfectly.
Some lines I didn't like as much:
"And bigger each/ Year" I think these two lines could be combined to be "Bigger each year" there's not really a reason I can see to put year on a line all by itself and adds a strange emphasis to it.
This stanza also I didn't think worked really well
"Slowly I become
More scared from
This weird feeling
That has just begun"
I just feel like saying "slowly" & "become" and also "just begun" is redundant. Also the word "weird " seems like an awkward word choice for this part that isn't particularly descriptive, so consider changing it to a synonym.
Last bits of critiques:
I'm pretty sure "unnoticed" can just be one word without the hyphen. Also the punctuation was very inconsistent so you may either want to add some more, or take out the couple of end marks you have to be consistent.
Overall I really enjoyed reading your piece, you have a great start and I'm interested to see what the piece looks like with the stanzas add line breaks added in. I look forward to reading more of your work!
~alliyah~
Thank you for your comment I will definitely try to fix it ..can I go back and edit it? Yeah, my punctuation is really inconsistent. I need to work on that especially on my grammar, and I totally get what your saying about the certain stanzas you picked out. Now re-reading it over again, I can see where I could have added/taken something out to make it a lot better. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this! I enjoy the advice and thank you again!
No problem, you're very welcome gabby! You should be able to edit it, first read the article (linked at the top of my review) for help with the stanza formatting because there's a button to click/coding to fix that. And when you pull up your poem there should be a gray bar on the right hand side of the screen that says "edit work", just make sure to click "save changes" on bottom of the screen when you're done.
The title of your poem caught my attention!
Gabby,
I really enjoyed reading this. For each time I read "slowly it melts" I actually got excited caused wanted to see how much more the narrator is falling in love.
Here's a couple of things I, myself, would have done differently:
I would put an extra space before you say "slowly it melts" to divide the poem into stanzas. Therefore, the reader can fully absorb the previous stanza. I'm also kind of wondering why you did the poem italicized. Just curious. At first it was distracting, but later I got use to it. Where you said:
"This feeling
Grows bigger
And bigger each
Year"
I think that you should change it to a shorter period of time, perhaps "days"? Because the rest of the poem seems to be going so much more fast paced.
Keep writing, I'm excited to read your future works of art.
-Percybeth
Thanks you for commenting ! when I submitted the poem there were stanzas , but it didn't come out right.. so I didn't know what happen ha-ha this was my first poem submitted. How would I prevent that from happening again?
The reason why I put it in italicized is because it was coming from the characters thoughts, and I wanted to portray that somehow , so I just put it in italicized.
Yeah, I see were putting "days," is better than " years,". Thank you for giving me advice! I need it! Thank you for your time!
Actually I submitted my first poem a couple of days ago and the same thing happened the me, I remember fixing it, but I haven't checked to see if it actually worked. I think there is just a bug in the website.
Okay, now it makes total sense why it's italicized and I like the poem even more.
You're welcome!