Published January 11, 2007
It torture me when I think of you
And I feel nothing but pain and sorrow
Mental pictures of you in different times stored in my mind
Memories haunt me in my dreams
I am tired of waking with my pillow soaked with tears and my face is tear-streaked
I am tired of hoping and praying that I would see you again
When I know I won’t
I have let you go
its time to free my heart
You still have a hold on me
And I try so hard not to lose it but it seems everything I do, I just can’t stop thinking of you
Every time I call you, you make me feel I am not doing my best that I don’t love you anymore
You don’t know what its like to be here
All alone without your soul mate by your side
Being a huge ocean away from him
Only survival of love and communication is a phone
But now that we parted officially
Nothing really change I remain the same just with a minor adjustment a broken, aching heart
There is nothing I can say to you now except to give me back my heart for you took it
With your words
With your kisses
With your soft touch
With your gifts
You have moved on its fair I do so too
I need my life back
The life I had before I met you.
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141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
I wrote a parody of bad poetry once.
To be honest, it sounded very similar to this.
Basically, it's a good idea, and we've all felt it before, but... that's the thing. We've all felt it before. It's not original. So how do you make people pay attention to something that common?
You have to present it in an original way. That means you have to come up with new metaphors, new symbols, new ways of writing. And that's the true challenge writers face everyday.
Good luck.
You know you can make it much better if you rewrite it with more concentration.
but I liked this part:
and where are the puntuations?
Keep writing and posting.
Aw, this shouldn't be rated R.
Okay. So I thought it was really really long. Add that fact to the one where it has boring imagery, it doesn't shine.
So... how can it be better? First of all, think about whatever you're writing about, no matter hard it may be. What do you remember of it? You see, this is just abstract feelings you're giving with us. Unfortunately, we humans don't react very well with just feelings. We want tangible evidence of feelings. For instance, I can write, "I'm so sad!" but you wouldn't care. But if I gave a cry of anguish, then that would definitely catch your interest. Why? Because it's real and you can feel it as a tangible force on your ears.
Writing is really the hardest thing you can do: to make people feel with only black and white words. But at the same time, you can do this. Focus on what this poem means to you at the very deepest level and bring that out. Then it'll become powerful.
Good luck!
Well okay, the structure is indeed as been said above, very disorientated. Try working a bit more organized with your lines here and there.
Repetative lines such as these could be used once in a while but they tend to get boring, which is what you've created here. I'm tweaking this part just so you know how to prevent this. You basically have a summation here and the best way to do this is as follows
Using your example :
With your words,
kisses, gifts
and soft touch.
I've created a rythem pattern here, not only by not repeating the words but also by changing the order of your words.
Hope that helped.
As for the topic as a whole, well as been said many times before, why should we care? Give us a reason to care, whether its by surprising us with an unique structure or just stunning discriptions. Just give us a "why?"
Cheerios, Chandni
i didnt find it too emotional, not like it could have been. and why is this rated R?
the legnth keeps jumping around a lot... you have short lines, then really long ones. the long ones dont seem to add much, and it creates a slog to read through. perhaps shorten these into smaller line to create something better.
more emotion, more interest needed in it. but it can be worked at and made better
interesting, but why is is rated R?
The rhyming and rhythym are a little bit... convoluted. You may want to touch up on that.
Pretty good