He came to be. Waking to the world of the light after living in the black. His eyes stung and watered, not accustomed to the crystal edge if the light.
When the light again grew gentle he saw where he lay. Colors splattered across his vision. The erratic patterns pulled and taunted his eyes. He searched for meaning behind the abstract. The vibrant hues danced and twirled like the wind around the main attraction: a young girl. She was smiling. The dimples in her toddler cheeks echoed her gentle smile, donned with pearly teeth. The girl's eyes twinkled as if on some infantile secret.
Upon seeing this girl a spark of recognition struck in his mind. He tried desperately to grasp it, but it curled beyond his reach. He again drifted to the black.
After swimming through the thick foggy night he scrambled to the light. He wanted again to feel the warmth of the young girl's smile, her innocence. He wanted to abandon the black. He struggled for her; for the light. He shouldn't have to reside in the shadowed sludge, he deserved the light. His fingers ached as he reached for the light.
He broke the surface and rose triumphantly. Eyelashes flittering, he took in the scene before him through a crystal haze. Again, he saw an entourage of deep contrasts and sharp swirls. The beauty took his breath from his lungs. He stole every hue and shade, tucking it away, conscience if his empty future in the black.
When he saw her his heart stopped at her light. Her smile radiated through him. Vanishing every pain in his memory. Her eyes offered intelligence and humor. Her hair shimmered and seemed to blow in a silent breeze. Her slender fingers reached for him. Her skin, an alabaster porcelain, shown with the new age of woman-hood. Her smile emanated the purest joy.
He wanted to feel the joy and peace that was within her. It spoke through her, touching his soul. Her soul, joy, and wisdom, beckoned for his young suffering soul. He reached.
Under his touch, she, the perfect, pure light broke.
He felt it crackle and wither. A flash of grief cut through him. What had he done? She was no longer smiling, no longer beckoning.
No longer light.
He fell to the ebony prison in shame at his crime of touching the fragile light. The single oasis from his cage was gone. The dark enveloped him. He fought for breathe, for light.
No, he thought, I don't deserve the light. I ruined the light.
He closed his eyes and dove deep into the dark, completely abandoning the light. Allowing his guilt to swallow him. He shrank to the bottom of the dark sludge. It pushed down on him with the choking pressure of guilt and shame. The evil darkness seeped into every crack and pore.
He mourned for her, the light. He wanted her warmth and sharpness.
Maybe it wasn't my fault.
He ran the memory over and over, looking for some variable, something to lesson his guilt. Again, the longing for the light surfaced in him. He pushed it down. Convinced he was unworthy, he destroyed the light.
I deserve this pain.
An aching cold infested his bones. The cold charcal liquid came with more force, attacking his skin like broken glass, he welcomed it still.
I deserve this. This is my punishment. After what I did this is merciful.
He welcomed every thick drop as it plunged deep into his soul. Every second agony swept over him poisoning every memory of the light.
A crystal tear cut through the dark and landed on his cheek.
I don't deserve life.
He gave up. He let go.
Sharp shards of light pounced on the dark. Where the light touched the dark vanished. The dark fled, leaving him gasping. As his broken body struggled for life he saw a light. A gentle guardian.
Is it her? Is she here to comfort me in my final hour?
No. He knew. I don't deserve her.
She reached for him. Wanting to save him, wanting him to understand.
I am unworthy.
He shrank away from her into the cold hands of death.
She was left beckoning.
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hey there. the imagery in this is really great and full to the brim. It may be slightly overwhelming at times. i think that if you you put in more direct action, meanings and metaphors beyond the imagery to contrast its epic beauty it would do even more for the story.
In honesty I think that your opening lines are weaker than the body further into the story.
I think that the "he came to be" could be elongated a bit. Not too long but just slightly, giving the sentence two parts. I really like the phrase which portrays the sharpness of the light well, I just feel that the very first line could be improve a bit.
near the end you start to space things out a bit. I think it would work just as well if you kept some lines together. By separating lines you are emphasizing it, except when you separate all the lines, emphasizing all of them, it suddenly takes away from them all, making them less. For example:
(it starts before this but the example was too big)
All these gaps leave us with less significance, if you keep them together like this and gap the strongest phrases it will have more of an impact.
It may be a bad example because I didn't have much to work with, but you get the gist, it makes the final line more significant.
Hey! It's review day! I'm going to review your work if that's okay?
I agree about changing "black" to "dark".
While both of these make sense, I think the sentence would benefit from taking one of them out, in my opinion you should just say "watered."
The first part of this quote implies he is taking in his surrounding "where he lay" being whatever room or place he is in. But then it continues on to make me think he can't see anything except colors. Is that affect still from the light? I didn't think so because it was already stated the light "gentles." To make it less confusing, I would take out those three short sentences.
Very nice line.
After opening clauses like this one, there needs to be a comma before the sentence continues. That's just a minor error to watch for in final edits.
I did notice that a lot of times the sentences start like this. In order for the entire piece to flow better, it's good to vary syntax and not have too many sentences in a row starting with the same variation of a word, unless used for dramatic effect. So I would suggest just going over the piece and rearranging words in sentences here and there.
This needs a comma too, on the same principle.
At this point the surroundings haven't been described at all, which makes this confusing. He talks about the "sludge" and his "cage" but those words would apply to a lot of different things to a person so the story could benefit from clarification about where exactly he is and what he means.
this is a bit confusing to me. As a reader, all I saw was him touch her once and to me that doesn't warrant such a hopeless despair so instead of feeling for him, I'm thinking right now that I don't understand his actions. Also, if the sludge is inside of him, how is he dying? Does he just not have a will to live?
I'm confused on the point of the story. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be taking away from it. Also, I like the contrast between dark and light, especially because she's a child, but I think it's overused just a smidge. Maybe count how many times it says the word "light" and go from there, because as writers that can sometimes slip right past us. There aren't too many grammatical things so that's good, but I do think there are a few too many short sentences. As a whole, a work seems more advanced when it encompasses both long and short sentences, so I think a few of the short sentences can be combined in places.
Overall, I like the idea and you have great potential as a writer. Everything takes practice though, and of course, every piece needs to be edited and edited again so keep working at it! You're doing great. Hope I helped
This is an amazing review!
Thank you!!!! *blushes*
Hi there!
manisha here to review.
Firstly, this was a good try. Except for a few typos and confusing sentences, the good has potential.
"The dark was enveloped him. He fought for breathe, for light."
The dark had enveloped him. He fought for breath, for light."
"No, he thought, I don't deserve the light. I ruined the light."
If you mean this as a thought you should put it in italics.
"The cold dark came with more force, says king his skin like broken glass, he welcomed it still. "
I do not understand what you want to say here.
I understand that you want to show us the contrast between dark and light, you do not necessarily have to use the words black and light again and again. Try replacing them with words that will do equal justice to the meaning you intend to say. Words like gloom, darkness, shadows will work well in place of black. Just find the right context.
I see that you want to be obscure to add to some kind of mystery you are trying to create here, but the story highly lacks in drama. You have put this under "Dramatics" that is why I'm mentioning this. Add a bit of background, strong emotions. Talk about that guardian angel more. What else effect does she have on him(other than the feeling of light/safety). Why he feels he doesn't deserve her.
You have capacity to be a good writer. Work on detail and language. Make the dictionary your best friend. You will do great.
Hope I helped!
-manisha
Thanks, I apologize for all of the spelling errors. I wrote this on a tablet and autocorrect was going CRAZY and the type was tiny I didn't see it. That is also why there is not any italicizing because on my tablet it wasn't an option.
I think it is dramatic but, thank you for your opinion.
Okay. Sorry about that. Here's the real review:
Instead of black, use "dark".
I think you mean "accostoumed" and "of the light".
It*
And why did we change POVs (point of view) all of the sudden? Unless you meant "it", which I think you did.
I have absolutely no idea what you mean by that.
I think you mean "her eyes".
Whoa! A complete change in POV, here. If you mean for this to be a thought, be sure to italicize it. Otherwise, change the "my" to "his".
There it is again, and it is staring to sound like the man is thinking, so be sure to italicize all those in the story. I won't point them all out, so you find them yourself.
Huh?
So. This was a very interesting piece to read. While it was nicely written, I felt it was choppy. For one, you tend to repeat things a lots, over and over. It got a bit tendious to read after a while. For the future, look into simplifying things so you don't have to repeat them, or broaden the topic more when you write about something.
Another nitpick is the girl. Who is she? I have absolutely no idea who she is or her purpose in this story, other than being his "light". It described her as a child. Is she his little sister? His daughter? A friend? She can't be his lover, for obvious reasons.
Other than those two. It was nice to read. Very well written, especially the use of imagery and the fancy smancy words that were used. I liked it, and keep on writing!
~ Iggy.
Ah heck. I see you were editing as I was reviewing.
Sorry about that.
Finished! Enjoy.
Thank you! Your review helped me tons. I wrote thi on a tablet an italicizing things was not an option so I apologize for the lack of clarity. And, that is also why there are so many typos.