The sharp, piercing sound punctured her eardrums, causing her to sink to the floor in brittle pain.
"Stop!" She cried through her sobs. The pounding, shrill sound pressed harder on her brain. She added her own scream of agony to the cacophony of sound.
The noise ceased. She breathed in shuddering, ragged gasps. The sudden relief of pain held no comfort for her. She knew that soon it would begin again, as it had over and over. It would never stop. She lay on the cold, wet cement in the fetal position. Her sobs created a white mist in front of her face. Her bones shook from cold and the sure knowledge that pain was not far behind this respite.
She saw his big leather boots covered in mud stepping around her shriveled body. As each step echoed she cringed into a tighter ball.
He leaned over her, his hot breath hitting her cold face and neck. She clenched her jaw in determination. She would not tell him anything. She wouldn't tell him about David and the work he had been invested in. It was something complicated even she didn't understand. A bright memory flashed in her mind. Her man, David. Tall, dark, and handsome, was smiling at her as he showed her the nano bites he had been creating. Her love said they had the power to change the world. His beloved voice echoed in her head.
Returning to her dire circumstances, keeping her love's voice in her head, she looked at her attacker. He was a big man, covered in hair. Continuing to stare at his small, cold eyes she stood, trembling, but on her feet.
"I won't tell you anything." holding her head up proudly she prepared for whatever pain this cruel being had in store for her. She would endure it for their love. Everything was worth it.
His hand raised. She held firm, trying not to flinch. His rough hands touched her soft face. He grabbed her face pulling it to his. His hard mouth slammed on hers. His lips moved roughly around hers. She struggled under his thick arms. He, not noticing her pathetic denial, wrapped his sinewy arms around her back, pulling her close. She struggled to scream, to yell. Anger boiled inside her. How dare he lay a hand on her.
Her sharp teeth sunk in his lip. Tasting blood, she took advantage of his sudden gasp of pain, shoving away from his chest as hard as she could. He didn't fight her. He let her fall to the ground, a scarlet drop fell from his lip, onto hers as he leaned over her pathetic form.
"I will never give in!" She spat.
"We will see" His deep, gruff voice was unusually quiet.
Smiling, with yellowed teeth he pressed the small red button in his hand.
Her scream pierced the silence.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hey. Um, wow. FCS here for 1 last review in the short 8 minutes we have left. Okay, so this short story made me want to know more about what's going on. Who's David? What information does the man with the big leather boots want? WHAT'S GOING ON?? If you want to, I'd say to keep going. Maybe even make this a.novel. You never know! Keep writing!
-FCS
I was expecting more from this story. I liked that it was original but I didn't get that disturbing thrill that I anticipated. You need to add more in here, perhaps a bit of a twist? I dunno, maybe something like the rapist being her lover. Or you could just elaborate on what the meaning of the rape is. I didn't get much from it.
Do some editing and see if you can improve this.
Legy
I really like the way this is going. I think you might need to add a little more description to make it feel more real, but I think you've done a good job, and would love to see a full fledged story built around this.
Hi! I'm here to review your short story. I'll start with grammar and then add comments at the end.
"... pressed harder on her brain."
This is just my personal opinion, so feel free to ignore this one, but I think that saying it pressed on her "skull" will help hold the tension more than "brain" does. I just think that "brain" is an inherently funny word when not used scientifically.
"... pain was not far behind this respite."
Here, "behind" could also mean "before" the respite. I think using "beyond this respite" would work better.
"... breath hitting her cold face and neck."
I think that "hitting" can be replaced with a much stronger word here.
"nano bites"
Do you mean nano bots here?
I like the concept of this piece, but I think that it could be improved upon. For example, you don't tell the reader much about the setting aside from it being quiet and having a concrete floor. Any lighting is merely implied, given the fact she can see her attacker. Atmosphere is everything in horror, so a sense of desperation outside of the character could help the reader feel the situation. Telling the reader that she's on the floor of an abandoned jail cell, a creepy old surgery theatre, or just a parking lot will give a much better feeling of place.
One thing that I didn't like as much was the dialogue. When writing dialogue, you should be thinking of what someone in each character's position would really say at that point in time. "I will never give in" is more of a stock line, and to be honest it really lessened the tension of the moment. Don't be afraid to swear or give the character the opportunity to lay it on the guy verbally. She's clearly a strong woman, but that should show better through her dialogue without resorting to stock lines.
And this is just a note about short stories, but they are usually longer, multi-scene tales. Like a short film that's 30 minutes long, short stories can be as short as a novel chapter or as long as 10,000 words. This gives a lot of wiggle room as long as you keep the themes and goals of the story tight, which you have already achieved here with the concept of loyalty. Expanding on these themes can help flesh it out and give it more impact.
I hope that you post more like this in the future. Keep it up!
Let me give it to you straight: this needs to be improved.
I can see some promising aspects in the story, and believe that It could be very scary if you made an emotional connection with either the 'villain' or the 'victim' of the story. Yes she isn't telling the villain about the man she loves but you need to elaborate more on how she loves him. This just feels too short even for a short story.
This would be better as a longer story, I'm not saying a novel, just a more extended short story. This is a horror not a thriller so it shouldn't leave questions at the end which is why I'm suggesting it should be much longer than you originally wrote it and there should be more emphasis on the emotions than the storyline.
I hope i've helped and am looking forward to a later version if you decide to take my advice.