Leilah Beaumont plopped down at her desk in glee, a huge grin threatening to take over the calm, collected mask she usually wore in front of students.
"ANYA! OFFICE PLEASE!" she called out across her large office, loud enough for her Secretary to hear her.
A plump, but not fat, woman with blond hair pulled into a bun entered the office, slightly annoyed, but was able to compose herself to look cheerful. She, however, only looked how people look when they're smiling but you know they're actually mad at you. "Mrs. Beaumont, you cannot call me into your office every time you claim to hear voices or scratching at the wall, because I assure you now, THEY'RE NOT REAL."
"I SWEAR I HEAR THEM!... anyway... that's not the point." Finally, the happiness broke out on her face. "We have a new student! And this one's practically a genius herself. Our very own little miss perfect! Not that we don't already have a bunch of little miss perfect wannabe's but this one seems nicer!" The turned her laptop screen to the secretary and they both began to look at the information e-mail together.
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Name: Alex Reyes
Age: 15
Grade: 12th
(AN: Same deal, school system is different, so she's in 12th grade already)
Gender: Female
Race: Filipino
Average grade: 102%
Teacher comments: Excellent, genius, smart, athletic, popular, gets along with everybody, leadership qualities, polite, diligent, smart, cheerful, stubborn, pays attention, creative, good influence on others around her, studious, responsible, respectful... (her list is pretty long too.)
Athletics: Basketball, Tennis, dancing
Social Status: Middle class (that's an easy one. not rich, not poor)
Family:
- Father - Lorenzo Reyes
-Younger sister - Leah Reyes
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They both glanced at each other, one wearing a very happy-go-lucky smirk and the other just a blank face. Mrs. Beaumont checked her wristwatch. Her father had said in the phone call that her plane would arrive at 4:30. Four hours until the awaited "princess" showed up. This girl was gonna be interesting for sure. "Well miss Reyes, we hope you enjoy your stay at Hawkeye Acadamy."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello again! You will be my 650th review (and my newest blue star) so I'm freaking excited!
So my review in the last prologue can also apply here. However, the difference is that this showed more action. I was much more engaged with reading 'cause the narrator wasn't just telling us stuff. We were actually shown what was going on! We saw the crazy lady Mrs. Beaumont scream at Any despite her apparent pleasantry. (Awesome characterization work here for the both of them!) We saw Anya all stressed and paranoid. And the dialogue was funny! Woo!
In the third paragraph, there was an over-description by Anya's reaction. It wasn't over-description per se, but it was unimportant. Let me quote it. Maybe I'll be inspired to explain better. xD
The second sentence sounded very redundant. I'd actually get rid of it! It was already said she was annoyed but was hiding it with her smile. The second sentence was too... explain-y. XD In the first sentence though, the "but not fat" is rather silly to include. Plump doesn't necessarily refer to fat. She just has a round body shape! And to make up for the deletion of the second sentence, rewrite the "compose herself to look cheerful" with how she composed her self -- a wide grin or sparkling eyes. You'll think of something!
So that aside, Alex sounds way too perfect. D: She's got perfect grades, she's athletic, she's talented -- is there anything she can't do? D: With characters, you want to make them seem like real people. The reader should be able to relate to them! They'll have mistakes and dislikes and faults that are actually what make them human.
That's all the new things I can come up with. I can't wait to see how your next chapter turns out!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Yes...yes...very interesting! ;9
I will try to do a real review hear. First I'll start technical:
"not rich. note poor" needs capitalization(like this: "Not rich, not poor" or "Not rich. Not poor.") "that's an easy one." I don't know if it should be capitalized, sorry(so it is not an easy one! :9).
Now for my favorite part, the discussion. Dun dun dun!
So, I read your first one, which made this a lot more clear. At first I wondered on some stuff, but then I realized that this was a direct follow up. You should be sure to add this as a project(It asks you when you add a new work, I think) so it's easier for people to navigate between chapters.
Other than that things seemed pretty good. I'll be glad to see where this goes. Counting on your ability to the romance and humor good. 83
Oh, and in response to the review on Prologue 1, don't be too descriptive. 1st sentence, third paragraph: It's a little hard to read and a bit overwhelming. Try breaking it up. Maybe make a comment about the bun later, or forget it altogether.
Keep writing,
Skis