Prologue 1

Hi, fullmetal! (This makes me think of Fullmetal Alchemist. woot!)

There's not much to this prologue. D: Maybe if I read part 2, it'll make a little more sense. (Consider using the novel feature! There's a blue box above this thread for you, asking if you want to make this a novel. It's so much fun! Try it out!) I like how you ended this part with crazy, distracting raucous that I must now go read the next part to find out. D: For your first story, you're on the right track! I'll give a couple pointers and then read the next part to see if I have anything new to add.

Introduction

The hardest parts of writing a story, in my honest opinion, is the beginning and the end. You have to make the start ridiculously interesting or you'll lose half your readers. And the ending has to end appropriately or half the readers will hate you. xD In this case, intros are hard!

Your first sentence, for instance, is very long. It goes on forever and doesn't hook the reader in. Just like in school essays, the piece should be interesting right from the start. The first sentence should make the reader say, "Wait, what now?" and keep reading. The current first sentence isn't only long but is an info-dump about the headmistress. What I would suggest is starting with a quote! You could have the headmistress say something discouraging or use a quote from the emails she is getting.

A great thing to consider when writing beginnings is to jump into the action. Sitting at a desk and complaining isn't very interesting! The reader wants to hear more about what this kid is doing and why is he so frustrating to all his teachers? In fact, I wouldn't mind it if you started the action right where you ended this. You could maybe mention she was reviewing a troublesome kid, but then jump right into what's going on outside her door. The reader will be much more interested in this.

Show, Don't Tell

This is really hard to understand at first. I know I was a huge loser when it came to this. xD "Show, don't tell" refers to description and engaging the reader. Right now, the only thing that's shown in this piece is her sitting at a desk in the beginning and the ending. Everything else is info-dumping (dumping information).

Usually to get rid of info-dumping, you take the information and tie it into a scene where it's appropriate to share the information. For instance, Evans Mariano is apparently a troublesome boy who gets remarkably good grades. You can show us this! You could have the teacher hand back a test, and Evans Mariano wouldn't even look at his perfect mark. He'd be reclining in his chair, shooting spitballs at people. Or something to that effect. Just with what I said here, you know that Evans gets good grades but doesn't care about anything! It takes some practice. Just analyze the people around you. See how they act or what they say, and make your own conclusions about that person. You've just analyzed a Show-Don't-Tell scenario! Bravo!

So in this piece specifically, the file doesn't quite belong here. You can mention the headmistress reading it, and maybe she can vocally say the most surprising facts/quotes about him from the file, but that's about it. The reader doesn't know this kid (or anything about the story) enough to care about this file. The introduction paragraph is also an info-dump which tells the reader what kind of kid Evans Mariano is. The ending here does a much better job showing the reader who that kid is (assuming he's Evans Mariano)!

Mrs. Amaryst and Evans Mariano

Mrs. Amaryst isn't talked about much, but that's all right. It's in her perspective, so she'd be paying attention to other things more. I'm more concerned with what she's doing. She might be getting a new kid in the school, and I'm not exactly sure what goes on in the office, but I don't think she'd be receiving emails from teachers she doesn't know about this kid. That seems very gossipy and rude. The complaints on the file would also not be a list of quotes but probably detention slips or separate notes from them.

The character herself seems very grumpy. xD Is she having a hard time with the school? Is it out of her hands and she's just stressed and not doing anything anymore? There's a commotion outside, and the way she instantly got up all angry-like makes me wonder if this isn't the first time. In fact, it sounds like this kind of trouble happens too often. You could build on this later, I suppose. I found her to be a very inept headmistress and it makes me upset. xD

Evans Mariano we haven't met except for at the end (I'm assuming), but he sounds unrealistic to me. If he's such a nasty kid, he's not going to care about his grades. He can be really, really smart! I'll totally give him that. But he's not going to care if he gets the highest mark or a passing grade. The two don't go together. He doesn't care about school, so he's not going to care about grades. But he can definitely be a genius!

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All three points really tie in together. At this point, it's going to need some work. I don't know what your chapter one is like, but if the prologue ties in beautifully with chapter one, then make this chapter one and the next chapter your chapter two. Prologues give a brief insight into the story that, by the end, the reader wants to know what will happen or what's going to happen. Sometimes, this will be a years before the story itself, sometimes years after, and sometimes it's even a scene in the middle of the story! Prologues are kind of confusing, and a lot of times, you don't really need them.

That said, I shall be off to read the next part!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Great concept but I think you may just want to be a little more descriptive but I think it will end up at being a great story