Published March 21, 2008
i'm sorry that this is so random, but i'm experimenting with something right now. Please be harsh.
Dream away butterfly
Dream for your wings
Gain all the wonders of feeling the rain
Grasp what you hate
And turn it around
Jump on it and drape it
Make it your own.
Drink to the moon,
Drink to the stars,
Angels descending
Bring from afar;
Gifts of the nightmares
Freedom from bars.
Grazing the surface
Falling away,
Dream for the mountains
Reach for the rain.
Gallop off gently
Lift off the ground
Flinging the world
Yank it around.
Feeling my footsteps
Tasting the fruit
Burning the candles
Freedom to group.
Wonder of wonders
Blue and white
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Nothing’s alike.
Feel the thunder
Keep time with the beat
Surrender you heart
Swim to the sea.
Gentle your breathing
Whisper the name
Sighing and dreaming
Things of the day.
Waterfall magic
Sparkle with charm
Dive with the eagle
Fly with the dawn.
Angel of mercy
Growl with the passion
Of singing the song
That echoes everlasting.
Dream with me sweet one
Spirit away
Tomorrow is tomorrow
Today is today.
Keep all the promises
A ring of trust
Leave all the hatred
A lie
Then a hug.
Twirl when you feel sad
And wander away
You need not the morrow
You need not the day.
Time is nothing
Just a passing moment
But memories
Should worship
The roses of life.
Remember my words
As odd as may be
For
Within every word
Every gesture
And prayer
Lies something about us
That we’re trying to share.
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Canary word: Present
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140,871 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Your poem is like someones hair: long and flowing. This is one of my hands down favorites. I love the depth and imagry.
Yep, Snoink covered all the bases
. With the simple thoughts and images that you use in this piece, shorter is better (in my opinion).
You have a good sense of imagery, even if some of the images were cliche. Keep writing!
Best, River
You mean... a newbie I can [s]smother[/s] love with my critique? Yay! You have guts.
I tried not to make it too harsh, but maybe it sounds that way? Anyway! Hope you like it. Some really good stuff here.
Wow, you're going everywhere! Stay with the butterfly image, then you don't have to encompass every single motion that every single animal can do. I was half-expecting bacteria to be crawling everywhere.
I like this stanza.
I also like this stanza because it connects butterflies with angels, and you have to admit that that's just pretty.
Grazing is a verb reserved for cattle. And none of this has anything to do with the butterfly imagery you set up, so it seems unconnected.
From butterflies to cattle to horses... make it stop!
Okay, now it's from butterflies to cattle to horses to humans. Yuck. Can you see why it's already getting tiresome? It's sort of like Dr. Seuss's "And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street."
Cliched much?
I actually like this one, except I would turn "swim to the sea" to "fly to the sea" because monarch butterflies do have migration patterns that go to the sea as their final stop.
Too cliched.
Too cliched.
Too cliched, and I like the angel metaphor you had better.
This would make a spectacular ending.
The rest is... cliched fluff.
So! I would suggest it look like this:
Dream away butterfly
Dream for your wings
Gain all the wonders of feeling the rain
Grasp what you hate
And turn it around
Jump on it and drape it
Make it your own.
Drink to the moon,
Drink to the stars,
Angels descending
Bring from afar;
Gifts of the nightmares
Freedom from bars.
Feel the thunder
Keep time with the beat
Surrender you heart
Fly to the sea.
Dream with me sweet one
Spirit away
Tomorrow is tomorrow
Today is today
Hope that helps!
This was really good! It flowed very nicely except for one part.
All of the stanzas except for the second and third have no punctuation other than a period at the end. It seems like it needs some more.
Could just be me, but 'TICK TOCK TICK TOCK' didn't seem to flow very well.
I like this!
Also you have a really great finish!
This has potential!
-Sometimes-