The last seconds of the day drags on
The bell rings.
And the day is at an end.
I walk into the dark shelter that is supposedly my home.
It is unusually quiet.
But silence never lasts in this house.
Somebody is always yelling.
Crying.
Screaming.
Hurting.
Conflict has become the norm.
I retire to my room, waiting and wishing for the pain to cease.
Darkness surrounds me
I close my eyes
And let my body become numb.
My feelings slip away,
And the day is at an end.
And now I wait for the cycle to begin again.
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I definatly agree with mlowe16, it really is a great poem. Someone mentioned that they thought that the last stanza should be changed to say something about how he decides that there is no use trying to change anything. That is what I got out of him falling asleep. To me it was a subtle was of saying that the pain is always going to be there and no use of trying to change it. When he decides to or does fall asleep it's kind of his was of saying, "I give up."
So with that I definatly think this is a great poem and would love to see what else you write. Hope this helps.
You can relate to this. It's beautiful, no changes needed. Keep it the way it is, i dont care what anybody says.
Hey , nice poem you have here. I like the idea of the cycle, day in, day out, always hurt and pain. Well I don't like it, but I think it's a good idea
The only thing wrong with this is there is nothing that makes your poem original. Maybe that's the point, that is represents thousands of people stuck in their everyday cycles but I still think you need to add in some orginal aspects of this. Maybe something about the character,any personal detail that is incoporated in his/her everyday routine.
I liked this but I think you could lay it out different, make it more exciting to read. For example;
Something like that anyway.
One last thing. I would change the last stanza, add in some kind of reflection because at the moment you have this really strong paragraph about Hurting and Screaming, then he just goes to bed. Maybe say how there's no point changing anything, because the circle keeps on going, everyday and that's the way life is. Okay, maybe not that. But something deeper than just going through his routine.
Overall I really liked this, would love to see an improved version tho.
Izzy xx
Now if someone knew a narative poem when they saw it, this would be it! The speaker of the poem is real.