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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hello. This is a really interesting piece of poetry. I love the wording and the imagery of the poem.
You used a lot of commas, but other than that.. Not bad
Not bad at all. (:
Continue your poetry so the whole world can see how good you are!
Hey there! I really like this poem. The emotion you put in it was raw and I felt it. I only saw a couple of things I thought
Great work though! This is awesome!
)
I could point out.
In the second stanza you kind of repeat truth (because you wrote truth in the first stanza.) It made it sound repetitive so maybe a different word would change that.
I agree with what the others were saying about the third stanza.
In the fourth stanza, I think you could take out the "or's". When I was reading it they made the poem sound a little choppy. Taking them out might help with the timing.
I absolutely love the last sentence in the last stanza but again maybe you.can replace untruths with a different word.
I'm sorry about my nitpicking- please forgive me. I really love this poem. I'm not very good at crits so you don't have to listen to me- I'd understand.
-Hope
(P.S- I'm sorry about not quoting. I'm new to this and I am typing this on my I-Pod so copying and pasting to difficult for me.
I agree with the last reviewer that this stanza's formatting is a bit weird:
What about this instead?
I just thinks that it looks better that way.
Sorry, I just think that it looks better that way.
But in the end, it's still your poem, you decide. I'm just suggesting things.
Aside from the things I mentioned above, I liked this poem, it's really good.
Hi! I liked this a lot. Sometimes you write best when your angry. Since the last reviewer covered your chronological order I'm going to cover something else that bothered me. They way you arrange your words into your stanza's. They change they way your reader reads and interprets your piece. They can change the tone of the piece or interrupt the flow. So enough talk. Here are my suggestions:
Doesn't this seem choppy to you? I'd try:
A little better, no? I don't see any other paraphrase I could do without intrudding on your own personnal words but these things can easily be fixed with a read over. Sometimes even poems need re-vising and reading over! Thanks for listening!
~Crafty~
Hello fruityfortissimo
insteadSo your poem is pretty good, but I'm going to help you make it even better, so here goes:
1) Right off the bat, your first stanza sounds out of place. Aside from the genericness of the analogy you're making though, the stanza itself is still pretty good and I think it would be more effective if you placed it right after
2) Just another awkward positioning of stanzas (remember, you might know the story behind the poem inside and out but your reader still needs the element of chronology to help them along), should probably be placed after instead of before it.
3) There's a few unnecessary commas too: after 'one sentence' in stanza 6, after 'all of this' in stanza 7, and after 'one last moment' in stanza 9.
4) Then there's me being really nit-picky and it might just be me, but I think you should eliminate 'but' in the phrase 'But all has been undone' (gah, so much but D:), and you should add 'can I take' to the end of the phrase 'How much more pain'.
Well, that's about it from me, keep up the good poetry
Canni