Young Writers Society

Hi frogforest,

Mailice here with a short review!

Wow. This is really a very well thought out and great build up to a longer story. A big plus that jumps out at me is your narration. It can come across as a bit hectic at times, but generally I find it fitting for the character of Andy, who you introduce later.

I like the story so far and how you set it up. It seems stereotypical and boring in many ways, with lots of rumours and rules to follow. You've definitely made a good start in expanding the story and adding new chapters.

Your introduction was really, really good. I liked the tone of how you address the reader and how you hope they are still there when you get to the end of the section. I also liked the structure of how you referred to a brief introduction at the beginning, with a small moment in life that is probably relevant to the future, before Andy himself introduced himself.

As I said, I really like the storytelling at the moment, but also seems very hectic and and disorganised at times, and in the long run can cause the story to get out of hand and things not develop the way you want. With the passive way you try to keep the reader here, you manage to keep them hooked at the beginning, but over time that can change.

Other points that caught my eye:

Obviously this wasn't the answer I was looking for. Maybe that moment is the reason I am who I am today.

I tried drugs once. Personally, I'd say they were a bit too hyped up. I'm not pretty.

I. LOVE. THIS. The first paragraph literally gave me chills. Please keep writing oh my lord

Woah. I love Andy already, and I haven't even gotten to know them yet! I hope I get to see more of them, and your writing! Kudos for creating a believable, likeable character that pretty much anyone could get on board with!
I have no critiques other than that it's too short - which I would say for any length at all because I can see this being a novel already.

Have a good day!

Peace,

Myre

I think that this could really develop into a really nice story. I liked the line:

'I knew there was more beyond the borders of endless tall pale green grass, stretching for miles. Did I know what? Vaguely'

It illustrates that longing for somewhere else, that knowledge that there is a bigger world out there, yet unable to see it, or know, or learn about it. That recognition that freedom is there, somewhere beyond the tall green grass that seemingly went on forever.

Perhaps, where you put the list of what your parents did, instead of putting in sentences, maybe you could have a semi-colon. Just an idea:

'They hung up pictures in the front hall with the family seasonal photos; they drove me to softball when I decided to play; made appearances at parent-teacher conferences and went on a few "family bonding" trips that were more for the benefit of local gossip"'

Just to add variation to the punctuation

I really enjoyed this piece

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: HMm...for a prologue this is a little disappointing...I feel like its really missing out on having that x factor of sorts. I really would have liked to see a bit more excitement than this...as a first chapter, this would come off as interesting...but as a prologue...it feels unnecessary.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The hardest part of telling any story is the beginning. How do you snatch the reader out of their vivid, breathing world, and hold their attention, when words, inked onto a page, an inanimate object, seem so dull? I will try. But remember, I have made no promises. It might be a bit too early to say this, but if you are still reading this, if you haven’t decided something else, I don’t know what, is more interesting, then thank you. This is the story of how I found what it means, to me, to be happy. But it is also the story of how I killed myself in the process.

In all my days living in the small town, I knew there was more beyond the borders of endless tall pale green grass, stretching on for miles. Did I know what? Vaguely. Cities, other people, fast food everywhere, freight trains. But the question always was, how do I get there? Once a townie, always a townie. Vast expanses of tall green grass surround every corner of my town. Once I asked my father how far they reached, and of course, he confused ten year old me with talk of legends.

He said, “On finer days, the green grass sways. But never will it end. Or at least I think that’s how the ole’ story goes.”

Obviously this wasn’t the answer I was looking for. Maybe that moment is the reason I am who I am today.

My name’s Andy. The perfect gender neutral name. I’m not tall, but I wouldn’t say I’m short either. About average weight, but I always saw myself as blocky, shoulders too broad, no curves, and thick ankles. Every girl says this, but I don’t think I was like other girls. I never found makeup, dresses, dolls, and who-likes-who appealing. I played in the dirt with the boys in my neighborhood until my neighbor, Mrs. Laurie informed my mother that “It is unacceptable for a girl of her age (I was nine) to be surrounded by the influence of the local boys. It’s unnatural.” My parents, naturally, caved to the pressure, and I was banned from seeing my only friends.

I skipped classes when I first started high school. I tried drugs once. Personally, I’d say they were a bit too hyped up. I’m not pretty. That’s something Jackson from eighth grade liked to remind me on the daily. Needless to say, I punched him. In the face. Hard.

As for my family, we were normal, average, uninteresting, what’s another word for boring?

I had no siblings, something I blame my town for. Most parents only had one child. It was a tradition of some sort they never cared to explain, and eventually, no one questioned it. My parents never showed any appreciation towards me beyond the basic level. They hung up my school pictures in the front hall with the family seasonal photoshoots. They drove me to softball when I decided to play, made appearances at parent teacher conferences, and went on a few “family bonding” trips that were more for the benefit of the local gossip.

Wow, this is really cool! I'm very intrigued by what does actually lies beyond the grass. I'm excited for the next chapter.

I love this! The starting really does captivate the reader and I’m really looking forward to the 1st chapter!

"The hardest part of telling any story is the beginning. How do you snatch the reader out of their vivid, breathing world, and hold their attention, when words, inked onto a page, an inanimate object, seem so dull? I will try. But remember, I have made no promises. It might be a bit too early to say this, but if you are still reading this, if you haven’t decided something else, I don’t know what, is more interesting, then thank you. This is the story of how I found what it means, to me, to be happy. But it is also the story of how I killed myself in the process." - at first i thought it was something like an article that told how to write a story, but then it turned to be a story about yourself.

overall, it's a good story. about yourselfa nd also about your emotions.

i hope i ahve helped you through my review

Why, hello there @frogforest! I saw your recent activity on the Newbies Club, and I stumbled upon this work, so I decided to review it!

The hardest part of telling any story is the beginning. How do you snatch the reader out of their vivid, breathing world, and hold their attention, when words, inked onto a page, an inanimate object, seem so dull?

It might be a bit too early to say this, but if you are still reading this, if you haven’t decided something else, I don’t know what, is more interesting, then thank you.

This is the story of how I found what it means, to me, to be happy. But it is also the story of how I killed myself in the process.

In all my days living in the small town, I knew there was more beyond the borders of endless tall pale green grass, stretching on for miles. Did I know what? Vaguely. Cities, other people, fast food everywhere, freight trains. But the question always was, how do I get there? Once a townie, always a townie. Vast expanses of tall green grass surround every corner of my town. Once I asked my father how far they reached, and of course, he confused ten year old me with talk of legends.

He said, “On finer days, the green grass sways. But never will it end. Or at least I think that’s how the ole’ story goes.”

Obviously this wasn’t the answer I was looking for. Maybe that moment is the reason I am who I am today.

My parents, naturally, caved to the pressure, and I was banned from seeing my only friends.

As for my family, we were normal, average, uninteresting, what’s another word for boring?

I had no siblings, something I blame my town for. Most parents only had one child. It was a tradition of some sort they never cared to explain, and eventually, no one questioned it. My parents never showed any appreciation towards me beyond the basic level. They hung up my school pictures in the front hall with the family seasonal photoshoots. They drove me to softball when I decided to play, made appearances at parent teacher conferences, and went on a few “family bonding” trips that were more for the benefit of the local gossip.