Well this is chapter 1 of my story "Premonition" REVISED. I started this during the summer, and surprisingly I continued it. I would really love some tips on how to improve the new part and what is wrong with it still. So be cruel all you want, ha ha. And thanks for reading it. 
Prologue:
People surrounding me, cheering me on. Not exactly knowing where I was, it was like a picture pixilated in photobucket. Not clear. Faces messed up. Bodies crocked. Colors blended together. But they were two people who stood out the most.
Someone calling for me, “Sam, Samantha!”
The mysterious person was a girl named Susan. How did I know that? No idea. Despite being confused, I walked in her direction.
That’s when it happened. A sound-like metal hitting a surface. registering nothing else, pero blackness.
I woke up with a start, sweet lingering from my hair all the way down to my shirt, out of my slumber. The sound still ringing in my ears.
What was that all about? Who’s Samantha? What happened to her? Nothing about the “dream” rung a bell, or made sense. Who was the other girl named Susan? Where were we? I mean Samantha, and Susan. People stood around in an ovalish kind of way. Maybe a stadium. What does it have to do with me?
The dream may make no sense, but it looked like it had a big meaning behind it.
Tap! Tap! Heard from the opposite position of the where I was. Shacking off the dream for the time being, I walked to the window. Lightly pulling aside the curtain to find nothing on the other side- except the window was open. It could have been a bird I told myself. But who opened the window?
Looking down to my damp shirt, and pants to see what I was wearing. I was dressed in…. Boots also covered my feet.
Wasn’t I sleeping?
Who in their right mind would wear shoes in sleep? Where are you, …? Who are you? No name finished nor answered my questions.
This deserted room- filled with dust mites- looked haunted. The furniture looked as if it hadn’t been cleaned for weeks. Lightly pressing my index finger on the desk besides me. A line formed without a doubt when I slide it outward.
No one lives here, then how am I in here? The window kept screaming at me, I can’t assume that, yet. Shit! The window has a clear view of the neighborhood, and if I don’t live here. If someone has seen me already.
Damn it! Shutting the window- nothing I mean nothing happened here- this house can’t bring suspiciousness to itself. Curtain to curtain, it has to look like no one was here.
I have to leave. Now! But I need to look around first.
Searching around the room for something that looked out of place. At the same I spotted the backpack, I felt something in my butt pocket. Being careful as I walked to the rear end of the bed, not wanting to make noise. This part of the house may look deserted, but what about the rest.
Resting back on the bed with the backpack in hand. The pocket. Reaching back to my pants. A wallet made its way into my hands. Two places that can open- one for money, and the other to stash cards. Opening the latter I found a Wal-mart Gift Card, Hot Topic Card, Library Card, Blicks Card, and other things. None with a name.
“Oh come on!” surprised by the strangers voice that was my own. The wallet shattered to the floor. “Shit” I murmured. You can’t just leave them on the ground. You’re eliminating time here. Hurry up, get the hell out. I scrambled to the floor; picking each one up by the way I saw them organized.
Till the last one on the floor was left. Eyes narrowing this one I didn’t see. Flipping it over to its head. It was a picture of a girl. She has deep, lost brown eyes almost black. Hair the color of fine polished dark brown wood. Her skin the color of the falling sun. Cheeks the slightest pink upon them, soft-pink lips, plucked eyebrows: all in all a beautiful face. Not an inch of make-up upon her face. On the side it read:
Elizabeth Isabel Sophronia
March 30, 1992
The rest was hard to read or scratched off.
“Elizabeth” tasting the name on my lips.
A car came to a halt outside, and the engine cut off caused my head to react. The backpack flew over my shoulders, and I put that card with the others into the wallet. The wallet into my front pocket in a flash.
Walking over to the window. A police car stood outside in the driveway of the house. And a little old lady went to greet the 2 officers.
My eyes widened in horror. My heartbeat increasing. I thought it would be heard to the sun. Though their voices reached my ears.
“Today I just know… is back…. The person… hasn’t been… but today the house…. I would have asked… to help me but he is at the…. Please don’t….. really smart.”
I won’t be able to get downstairs, and escape all together.
Suddenly my body controlled me. I opened up the backpack- small pocket, right on top of it nicely laid. Were black gloves. Swinging the closed bag over my shoulders once again. Putting them on as fast as I could.
“… gave me a key for… only.” The old lady kept babbling on.
“And this is an emergency, ma’am?” the female officer asked when they weren’t in view. Opening the window quietly, and quickly. Stepping out, left leg first upper body next my right leg right after. Crouching down softball style, pulling the window to its place. The wind upon my face traveled inside my lungs.
“Yes. Some….” Her voice vanished into the house.
The curtains were closed. Nothing can be seen inside or outside. The black curtains would be downstairs, too, maybe. I’ll take my chances.
Sliding down the roof while pressing my foot to the surface. The friction burning into my feet. Hoping no sound would come from me. Stopping me from falling automatically.
Footsteps echoing through the house. Looking down to the earth. It ain’t that far down. What a few yards. Stalling doesn’t help in this situation, Eli. I leaped to my fall.
Surprisingly, I landed on my feet with a soft thump. How many times have you done this before? Walking, I know I shouldn’t have, but running would bring a lot of attention. Like a girl walking in black isn’t suspicious already.
Spotting a number on the floor 1995 erased by the years of tires rolling over it. Finally three houses down I exhaled. I was afraid if I did the littlest of sound I would have been caught.
A hand grabbed my arm. I thought to soon.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi. there's a lot of confusion here. I will try read it tomorrow but for now here are some mistakes.
That’s when it happened, a sound like t#BF80BF ">hat of a metal hitting a surface.
Threw past your mind?????
The word is looking something weird. Instead, try woke up.
And cloth#FF0000 ">es that fit me, which also fill up the entire closet.
That’s when it happened, a sound like t#BF80BF ">hat of a metal hitting a surface.
Threw past your mind?????
The word is looking something weird. Instead, try woke up.
And cloth#FF0000 ">es that fit me, which also fill up the entire closet.
Hello, I'm DeafWriter, and I'll be reviewing for you today!
So, I advise a different cliffhanger. 
BEGINNINGS AND ENDINGS
I think this is a wonderful start to the story. Don't necessarily start over from scratch, but do retain the hook you've got, because if you revised it to make it more "hooky", it would definitely lead you in.
The cliffhanger is what I have a problem with--or a lack of one. You end off with the MC and her boyfriend presumingly having sex. Or something to that extent. Sex doesn't build tension, rather it slows down the scene because you're delving in something that takes an hour or two, and...yeah.
THOUGHT VS. ACTION
Also, I agree with Snoink (nice avatar, by the way, Snoinky). You make your main character think too much. It's like you're trying to cram the character's information down our throats and that's a major turn-off. I actually skimmed that part and didn't fully read it because it was all, thought, thought, thought...
What I would do is that I would incorporate more action, more tension. For that to happen, you need to make the dream more creepy. (For reference, check out Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons". His hook is similar to yours and he handles it brilliantly.) Not more creepy in context, but more in language. Then, have thought processes drip in while she's doing what she has to. But don't necessarily dump it on us.
WORD CHOICE IS EVERYTHING
I'm sorry to kick your piece further in the gutter, but while I was reading, I noticed some of the language was very smooth and fluid. You don't want that. You want tension. For example, "The black cat ran out and leaped onto the old man," could be "Annie watched the black cat run out. Then she screamed. The cat had leaped on the old man and started clawing him." It's all about sentence structure. Shorter sentences build tension. Longer ones slow down the scene.
Overall, this was a decent piece. I liked the plotline. But strip it down to its bones and really focus on the action, not on thought unless absolutely necessary. PM me when you have the revised edition up! I'd love to read it.
GRADE: C+
This is my first having to restart a story! Ugh! Lol. Oh, I'm going to busy for the next couple of weeks so this story wont be posted until like summer is finally here. So yeah I'll be excited on what I'll come up with. I've got like 6 1/2 chapters that are done so far, parts of the end, and other parts. So I'm going to have to change a lot what are you talking about :p lol.
Whatever! Your just saying that so I will continue lol jk. Shows lot of potential? I don't think that's true!
Hahaha, I knooooooow. Restarting stories is a pain! But as somebody who is currently rewriting her beginning, I can tell you that, as long as you have a direction of where you want to go, your story becomes five times more awesome.
And psh! I've read a lot worse, lol. Which sounds awful, but it's true! The story seems kind of rambly right now (especially to me because I've recently been in the midst of editing my own story and cutting out all irrelevant parts out) but it's still very fixable and it really holds a lot of potential. So you should definitely keep working on it.
So I will have to start thinking of a way to start the official beginning, and make the prologue. I will do my best to start writing it all over[again]. Gr! Lol
Oh, yeah duh! I totally forgot 'bout the italic thing. Thanks.
Thanks for the review Snoink! Told you my story aint good.
-fRiEs
Hey fries!
Okay! So first of all, I want more drama! Right now, she has this terrifying dream, which makes it a really dramatic opening! But then she wakes up...and thinks about her dead parents... and her boyfriend... and high school... and a bath... so it's like your trying to shake off our attention from the main problem. Which isn't good! We call the beginning a hook because you're supposed to hook us in! So make it as exciting as you can and trim away everything that doesn't have to do with the initial conflict, which is the scary dream. We'll learn about her height and boyfriend and school later, when you draw us more into the story. For now, you should really focus on frightening us with the dream and having her think about how frightening the dream is.
Next! Para los partes de spanglish, Ud. debe escribir los partes todos en español or ingles. La mezcla de ingles y español se confunde las personas que leer su obra.
Also, foreign language is typically italicized. That way, people who aren't familiar with the language know that they ought to get their Spanish-English dictionary out.
And stopping at a romance scene? Whoa! This guy is kind of a creeper... definitely too fast for me!
What just happened here is a mystery to you all... Till you get more into the story.
I'll fix it up a bit if you want. But I can't tell you what trip nor the accident. She doesn't remember anything, so it will be wierd to put it in. Okkay I will.
I dont recall saying anything about her parents waiting to see anything. She doesnt even know who her parents are.
Oh, and about the shower... yes she is showering but have you ever been down that you just laid down in the bathtub while taking a shower?
If that is all, I will fix everything right now. And thanks for the reveiw and reading my story-It means alot to me. I will review the second part right now, before posting it.
*People surround(,) me cheering me on.
(Start a new paragraph here and add a ")Sam! Samantha!(lose the exclamation point, add a comma and one of these --->") the mysterious person was a girl named Susan. Well(,) despite that fact, I was walking in her direction.
Thats when it happened, a sound like metal hitting a surface. My mind was registering nothing else, but blackness.( What just happened here?)*
Okay, the next paragraph-the one where she's describing her past-is rather vague. What trip? What accident? Modeling? Clarify on that a bit.
*Getting the side pillow, and cover my face. Trying to find sleep again, my mind nagging me that it was too late for that.( Awkward sentences. Try changing it up to something like this:
While grabbing the side pillow and covering my face, I tried to find sleep again. But my mind kept nagging me that it was much too late for that.)
Drop by drop( the water fell-or something along that line-) against my skin,( Or you can trash that last comment and change this little piece to something like:Drop by drop against my skin I allowed the flowing water to releasethe tension in my body.) allowing the flowing water to let go of the tension inside my body. Lying in the bathtub longer than necessary( Incompleate sentence, you need an action verb. She did what while lying in the bathtub longer than necessary? And, plus, I was under the impression that she was showering. If so, why was she lying down?). Finally, turning the handle to turn off the water and wrapped my towel around my body( Just say, " Finially, I turned off the water and wrapped a towel around my body," or something like that.)
When you're desceibing her it gets confusing. Who's Pero? Who are the parents waiting to see? You often forget to start a new line when someone else talks and add the right punctuation marks.
This was nice, with a bit of editing it could be better. Just read this over and make the right corrections this could be even more amazing.
Big kiss, class dismissed!
Muffins 'n' Machine Guns
Hi, I'm sure this is a wonderful story, but it's too long. Most times people here don't have the time-or in my case a long enough attention span-to read prolonged entries. If you would shorten this up into, I don't know, three or four other entries I would be elated to review.
Once you get you're little shortening part done,-and make sure you read it over to check for any mistakes- feel free to PM me so I can review. Well, that's all now.
Big kiss, class dismissed!
Muffins 'n' Machine Guns