PREFACE. - THE INNOCENT RIVAL.
The figure that emerged gracefully from the shadows was outlined in midnight black silk. Even though I knew everything about her, every vile trait and skill, her beauty was enough to fool me into thinking she was angelic. The way her face was perfectly reserved, showing no emotions whatsoever, looked as innocent as a naïve child. It was impossible for someone that looked this pristine to be so immoral. Inevitable.
But that was what she was constructed to do. She was a creature of deception. An entity of treachery. A killer – no, more than that, a destroyer. She was taught to do anything to get to her prey; lie, betray, kill.
The snap of her stiletto heels stopped when she paused ten feet away from me. Her black eyes penetrated my face and her perfect lips turned up into a vicious grin, corrupting her harmless façade. She raised her scythe over her head, and that’s when my previous knowledge was affirmed.
I was looking into the eyes of the incarnation of pure evil.
Death.
End of chapter
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay well this is quite the preface there...and a rather startling one at that. Its not too often that you run into a piece that is as short as this one happens to be, but then find the piece have more than enough going on to feel like a very complete package but this one certainly manages to pull that off. The start is wonderful there pulling us in right away with the description. Its the sort of thing that snatches you attention quite quickly and the way that things are continuing from there makes you really question if this is genuine reality and this terrifying creature of sorts does actually exist or if this is some sort of exaggeration since this does seem to fit both categories pretty well.
With that bit of ambiguity there comes an odd sort of humor spreading through this although that might just be me because there seems to be a touch of exaggeration here. EIther way though, I think you've done a really good job with this piece here. Its certainly intriguing enough that at least I find myself wanting to read more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
haha wowwoww.
Ok hi again, this is me fixing my critique. lol
For the first quote, the to be is fine, just disregard what i said about it. Everything else stands though.
The figure that emerged gracefully from the shadows was outlined in midnight black silk. Even though I knew everything about her, every vile trait and skill, her beauty was enough to fool me into thinking she was angelic. The way her face was perfectly reserved, showing no emotions whatsoever, looked as innocent as a naïve child. It was impossible for someone that looked this pristine to be so immoral. Inevitable.
But that was what she was constructed to do. She was a creature of deception. An entity of treachery. A killer – no, more than that, a destroyer. She was taught to do anything to get to her prey; lie, betray, kill.
The snap of her stiletto heels stopped when she paused ten feet away from me. Her black eyes penetrated my face and her perfect lips turned up into a vicious grin, corrupting her harmless façade. She raised her scythe over her head, and that’s when my previous knowledge was affirmed.
I was looking into the eyes of the incarnation of pure evil.
Death.
First off, I thought this was great. For something so short, I think you made it pretty clear what your story was about. And I think the two writers above would agree, and they pretty much covered everything I was going to say. But there are a couple sentences I found to be slightly akward. Now it might just be me, but I think these could use a touch up:
*It was impossible for someone that looked this pristine to be so immoral."
I thought maybe for this sentence, instead of saying that looked, you could say who looked (unless you were trying to make this prisitne woman more animal/object rather than human).
And instead of to be, maybe try could be or would be.
*"She was taught to do anything to get to her prey..."
Umm, I don't know the whole story, but did you really mean taught? Or made? Did her creators show her to be the way she was, or was she that way naturally, as if by instinct?
Anyways, I thought this short piece was interesting and I like your style of writing.
Frist off, wow. This was really amazing. I loved you descriptions. But like Cat_910 said, it was kinda short so this isn't going to be most detailed of reviews.
First:
This seemed a little weird to me. The fact that she's wearing stilettos was pretty unexpected, considering your build up of her dark, evilness. Is your story set in present day?
Second:
There doesn't need to be a comma here.
And that's it. Once again, I think you did a great job. PM if theres more :3
I like the line, but it confused me. If she emerged from the shadows, how can you tell she is wearing black? Is it dark outside? Is it light?
When I first read that, I thought her heels broke. Maybe put the tap or a similar word there.
I love that! Good job. I also loved the adjectives and adverbs you used. Good job again. ^_^