Young Writers Society

Hey! Basket here! I'm going review this since the first part was just so good. So, here we go. Its going to be the same as last time, mkayy?
So, lets go.

surrounded by magazine clippings of random things.

Define these random things, give a few examples.

He shrugged, turning his attention back to the chopsticks. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a notebook and pen resting on Brendan’s dresser, so I set my food down and leaned over to grab it. I shifted so I was laying on my stomach and pulled the pen out of the spirals. Then, cupping my chin in my left hand, I began to draw.

There are a lot of "I"s in this sentence... why don't you try to mix it up a bit. Maybe something like: "He shrugged, turning his attention back to the chopsticks. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a motebook and pen resting on Brendan's dresser. Setting my food down, I shifted to grab the notebook, pulling the pen out of the spirals. Cupping my chin in my left hand, I began to draw."
Do you see how that basically says the same thing but its less "I, I, I"?

The musical ringtone of Brendan’s ringtone interrupted my concentration.

Repetativeness of the word "ringtone"! Switch it up.

I fell into a deep sleep.

Personally, this is where I would put that flashback from her mother, starting at the next chapter, but again, that's just me.


This was a really good chapter. I enjoyed it very much. Its very interesting... I'm cuirous to see what's happening.
One thing:
The whole part with her going to check for Tyson's charger was kind of random and it seemed unneeded. Almost as you just needed an excuse to show his brother or giving Brendan a chance to see Veronica's drawing. I think you could nix that easily.
If it was seeing Veronica's drawing, have her take a bite of Chinese and he sees the drawing in her lap or something. If its the excuse to see his brother, have him come in and ask a question about something.
Good chapter.
-Basket-

Brendan was curled up in his black bean-bag chair in the opposite corner, surrounded by magazine clippings of random things.

"Random things" just doesn't seem descriptive enough for me. At least replace "things" with something else, because it just seems too vague. Even if you got rid of "of random things" it would be better.

“And on the eighth day, God created lo mein.”

Haha I like it.

“Are you sure you aren’t high off the Novocain or something?”

Novocain, if it's even used for anything else, is primarily used for dental care, so I get that image in my head. Maybe you could say "Are you sure you aren't high of that shot or something?"

As I was staring at the red glob, I noticed his white shirt was name brand. “Hey, since when did you wear name brand clothing?”

I think this would work better if you didn't say "name brand" twice. Maybe you could change the first time to "I noticed his white shirt a) had the Abercrombie moose B) the Hollister seagull C) create your own."

The musical ringtone of Brendan’s ringtone interrupted my concentration.

... The musical ring tone of Brendan's ring tone? Maybe change the second "ring tone" to "phone". Also, ring tone isn't one word.

“Naw-uh.”

This is the second time you've used this, and it just feels weird. I know what you're trying to say, but I think "Nuh-uh" would work better.

It was the girl; hood up, shadows masking her face, staff in hand.

You need a comma not a semicolon. Secmicolons are used when the following part explains the one before.

“I was…uhm…” I stuttered. “Doodling. I don’t really know.”

This isn't exactly stuttering. Stuttering is like "I-I-I went t-to the P-p-park." Think professor Quill from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

“I should go. My dad will flip if he finds my room empty,” I claimed, grabbing my leather jacket off his desk chair.

I actually think this part would be fine if you didn't use "I claimed". Just say "I grabbed my leather..."

and Dad doesn’t have a car

Change "doesn't" to "didn't". Remember to keep it in past tense.
As a side note, why didn't she ask Brendan to give her a ride on his motorcycle if there were no other rides?

I turned off Brendan’s street, onto a busier street with more cars,

The repetition of "Street" is a little annoying here.

and a black velvet jacket that had to be created by an expensive designer.

The word "created" just doesn't feel right when talking about clothes. It feels similar to "invented", which is more of a technological thing. Maybe "made" would work.

She couldn’t have been taller than five foot, but she was wearing three inch tall pumps to increase her height.

"to increase her height" is unnecessary, so get rid of that bit.

As a side note, it's Zach not Zac

I could see the familiar tan stucco of my apartment building, then I slowed to a walk.

If she's really afraid, I think she shouldn't stop running until she's in her apartment.

No, I’m crazy for believing that was real. I paused on the first flight of stairs and shook my head. It must be side effects of the Novocain. I mean, I did just get into a motorcycle crash.

You need to get rid of the italics after the first sentence.

just incase the lunatics in the alley wanted to come back and –

"Incase" is two words, not one.

When I saw Dad’s dark mat of hair, I bit my lip.

I think seeing her dad's hair is an odd thing to first see. It would be better if she just saw him as a whole.

“Care to tell me where you were off to at,” – he paused and turned to check the clock on the table beside the couch – “4:38 AM?”

You don't need the hyphens.

I was astonished, thinking my mind was causing my ears to deceive me like it had.

This sentence was a little awkward. Try rephrasing.

I wasn’t sure what was making me so angry – then again, my anger bubbles up over a lot of simple things. I threw my box of food on the kitchen table – not even bothering to put it away – and made my way stiffly to my room.

All those hyphens are unnecessary. The first can be replaced by a period, and the others with commas.

Also, she doesn't know what's making her angry? It's her father for threatening to kick her out. It doesn't make sense if it's anything else.

Once again, I thoroughly enjoyed this! I am definitely hooked at this point. I only have two other problems I want to go over.
The first was that during the scene in the alley, you used so many new words we readers didn't know that it got confusing and hard to follow. I'd trim that down to merely the ones that are necessary.
Second, I'm having trouble believing her father would throw her out. Last chapter he was talking about how he doesn't want to loose her too, and kicking her out would only do just that.

Other than that, well done. Keep the PM's coming, because I'm really getting into this.