i like to picture love lines,
to see what colors certain couples would be
but sometimes they already make their
own tie-dye shirts, with declared shades
of grays and purples and greens.
somedays i step outside of my small realm
and wonder what color i would be,
the flurry of orange sweet kisses between
parents, or the soft brushes of blue
between the fingertips of young souls.
every time, however, i pause my thoughts,
as i’ve forgotten yet again; i’m not made
for orange hearts with a dash of sun yellow,
or even growing black pupils in the face
of bright, widening pink horizons.
i’m meant to cross the rainbow sea,
to find my place among the muddied
chairs of people lost to their own selves,
forever left to close my eyes and listen
to the rose-colored beats from hearts in love.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Great work...
This was beautiful! I enjoyed the subtle flow and almost rhyming that seem to bring the lines together perfectly. I think so far, this is my favorite poem I've found on this site. You should enter into contest or try and get this published, it's amazing!
Here's my favorite verse:
******************************
i’m meant to cross the rainbow sea,
to find my place among the muddied
chairs of people lost to their own selves,
forever left to close my eyes and listen
to the rose-colored beats from hearts in love.
*****************************************
I think I enjoy it especially because it makes a lot of sense and can help the reader maybe to relate. (i sure do haha).
The idea of using colors and nature to be a metaphor for different lovers and their relationships is absolutely brilliant and beautiful! I love this and I'll probably go and read your other poems because I'm very inspired now haha
You should definitely publish or enter this in a contest! You have a lot of talent and it's beautiful!
This is an up-to-the heavens-and-back-down awesome poem! The structure is really nice, that's what really caught my attention.
I really liked this poem!
I especially liked the enjambment, as it made it quite an emotional read, in my opinion. I also loved the colourful imagery you portrayed.
Just being pedantic here, but is there a reason none of the I's are capitalised? That's just something that I found odd but if that was your intention then that's fine.
Your use of punctuation helped the poem flow well, but I couldn't help but think that maybe a rhyme scheme would have worked well in the poem (Maybe an ABCBA or something like that)
Hello there fraey!
I am Kostia and I will be reviewing your poem for you today.
This was a very colourful poem I must say. It contained good imagery and the description of colours. However your final message in the end wasn't as colourful as the rest of the poem, I would say it was rather greyish.generally this is okay. However I felt like you missed the chance to write something optimistic or happy here.
Other than that, your structure and wording were okay. Your stanzas were fine as well (However I would make the space between them lingers since the way you have it now isn't so clear)
Moreover even though I am a fun of free verse writing, I think that rhymes would look better on this poem.
Analysis:
1st stanza
"i like to picture love lines,
to see what colors certain couples would be
but sometimes they already make their
own tie-dye shirts, with declared shades
of grays and purples and greens."
I liked the atmosphere of your first stanza and the presentation of colours while you relate them with love. (Even though I believe red should be somehow included). The only thing I have to note here is that it would be more proper to begin your poem with a capitle I.
2nd Stanza
"somedays i step outside of my small realm
and wonder what color i would be,
the flurry of orange sweet kisses between
parents, or the soft brushes of blue
between the fingertips of young souls."
The same here begin with a capital letter. Other than that I don't see any structural issues with this stanza. However something in it doesn't sound so well to me. But this might be simply from the absence of rhymes in general.
3rd stanza
"every time, however, i pause my thoughts,
as i’ve forgotten yet again; i’m not made
for orange hearts with a dash of sun yellow,
or even growing black pupils in the face
of bright, widening pink horizons."
Same here "Every" instead of "every". Actually this is my favourite part from the entire poem. You really used the potential all those colours give you here. Great and vivid imagery. Very good for the reader.
4th Stanza
"i’m meant to cross the rainbow sea,
to find my place among the muddied
chairs of people lost to their own selves,
forever left to close my eyes and listen
to the rose-colored beats from hearts in love"
Again here "I'm" instead of "i'm". I m not sure if you made like that for a reason but if you did I would suggest you to change it because it is not correct to beging a poem with small letter or any sentence for that matter. It really runs the whole poem for me.
Other than that I was disappointed by the ending I expected something way more optimistic.
Anyway overall it was a good read! Great vocabulary and imagery.
Keep writing!
Best regards
Kostia