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five, lost chances

by EditorAndPerks


take your blood-stained gloves
and leave them on the bed,
my darling from the sun,
we won’t need them anymore.

we both know you’ll leave with
every rise to take your place
amongst the undeserving puffs
that bring despair to the land.

i can’t ever decide if i should
be grateful for you being taken
or left scorned since you’ll
never be truly mine nor i yours.


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573 Reviews


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Mon Sep 16, 2019 9:28 am
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Magebird wrote a review...



Hey fraey! I'm back again.

I'm always game for metaphors involving blood-stained hands, so you know you had me roped in from that first opening line. But after reading through the rest of your poem, I can definitely say that I love it even more - it poses some great implications for the meaning of the piece. The speaker clearly loves the subject of the poem, going off of both the title and final stanza. But they also seem to acknowledge that the subject isn't perfect from that first line. It's an interesting moral dilemma that I don't feel like was directly addressed in the poem - which makes me love it even more.

Grammar and spelling wise, you're looking great! The only thing that could potentially be revised is this line:

or left scorned since you’ll


"since" feels almost colloquial when you compare it to the other words you picked in this poem. "because" feels like a stronger alternative to me, but that's ultimately just a nitpick.

I honestly can't think of anything I don't like about this piece. I love the emotions you expressed, and I love the imagery, too - it makes for a very powerful story told in just three four-line stanzas.

Great job on this poem, and I can't wait to read more of your work!

Image




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Sat Aug 10, 2019 8:34 am
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seekingthetruth wrote a review...



This is seeking the truth here to review your fabulous poem


interesting and intriguing I was immediately drawn to your poem when I first read the first line and I loved the whole thing overall. my fave line from your excellent poem is "bloodstained gloves on the bed". and that line gave off two different responses , comedy like what @demoncat had said or you make us infer that she was either murdered or she was a murderer either way its very contradicting in a very weird way and thats why I love it as it promotes weird and whacky sentances and very good visual imagery as this helped us picture the scene a lot more so thaks


seeking the truth




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37 Reviews


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Mon Aug 05, 2019 5:18 pm
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demoncat wrote a review...



Hello this is demoncat here for a review of your awesome poem.

I find this poem very... Intriguing? Yes indeed it is interesting. And I really enjoyed it. I love how you said to put the bloodstained gloves on the bed. It made me think, wait won't the bed get dirty from the blood? Dude your gonna get blood all over your bed! And I guess it's good that the poem made me think that. Because it means that it made me think. And it is always good for poetry to make you think. I also like how uplifting the poem is. Even though the blood leads me to think the story is about murder. It is uplifting nonetheless. I really enjoyed this so please write more poetry and stories. I will most likely read them. Good job.






Thank you for the feedback. ^^



demoncat says...


Welcome



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364 Reviews


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Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:25 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hi, fraey! It's been a little while, but I'm at 359 reviews and I'm desperate for it to be 360, so here goes~! Keep in mind that I tend to be a little blunt and that I haven't done this in a while, so the rustiness in my reviewing is obvious.

This poem is powerful, in its own way. I don't understand the title in relation to the poem, but I wonder if it has any correlation to the "blood-stained gloves", since a glove has five fingers on the hand? This poem has many confusing parts to it that makes me ask questions - and that's not a bad thing! Poems don't necessarily have to make sense, and I honestly prefer it when they don't. They keep me thinking :)

I just looked at the bar with the rest of the poems and now I feel stupid because it's a part of the series, haha. Since it's a series, I recommend making its own portfolio folder for it to make it more obvious in relation to the title? I could see that the other reviewer was confused about it as well.

What do "undeserving puffs" mean? Are you talking about tumbleweeds, or sandstorms? I'm not sure. I've been reading this poem over and over again for thirty minutes and I still don't know. Why are the puffs undeserving? What are the puffs, anyway? Are they cigarette puffs?

This poem is really sad, and I love it - the narrator obviously cares about the subject, due to the "my darling from the sun", but knows that they can't be with them with the last stanza. They're conflicted, and the emotions from the poem are very human. Good job!

A small syntax nitpick - in the last stanza, you can put a comma after "scorned" since you could have a natural pause there. It's not necessary - some could consider it overkill with punctuation - but I'm just presenting you with choices. :)

That's all I have for this poem! You did well, and I thoroughly enjoyed it! If you'll be making a sixth poem in this series, I'll be sure to check it out~

Auf Wiedersehen~!

aj






Thanks for the feedback!

As to answer your questions --> lost chances are in a way a continued reflection of like a fictional love that someone never could really explore

--> puffs are a metaphor for humans actually

I'm glad you liked it!



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Sat Aug 03, 2019 9:07 am
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brookeallo wrote a review...



Hello,
I am going to give a review :).

I would like to begin by addressing the title. I don't see how it ties into the poem I mean I can off course infer that it's like a hidden meaning special to the topic or writer but I think that the title should relate more to the poem and what it is about and having titles in which you have to kind of figure out the meaning based on the poem actually seem to make the poem stand out more this one was kind of too far into infering. I do love the meaning of the poem I like that its not written in the words but its like a read between the lines. I like the descriptive words and powerful phrases. The third line of the first stanza which says, "my darling from the sun." I'm not sure if that is like a phrase that was said in the past or something for like a love phrase but I haven't heard it before so it didn't seem to fit in well for me and it seems like it is supposed to be a term of inderment but kind of got a little word twisted. I think that after the second line of the first stanza you should put a period at the end of the line and then have the next line with the comma and then the last line also with a period. I think that would make the stanza seem less like a run on sentence and the same for the other two stanzas cause the punctuation was lost through those. I'm not sure if you purposely meant to not capitalize the first words in sentences or the letter I. In the second stanza on the second line I'm not sure the meaning is to clear on "rise" and how its being used in the line. Its a good poem and I like your writing style and how it has a certain darkness to it like the blood- stained gloves, and despair to the land, and scorned. The meaning is amazing and I think that with fixing a few grammer mistakes and making sure the words into the sentence it would be a really good poem. Thanks so much for writing and I hope to read more from you soon.






Thank you for the feedback. ^^




Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.
— Antonio Machado