Godless skies and starless nights,
Call my heart back to seas of doubts,
And reluctance takes a step forward in my mind
As I close my pages of faitrytales.
Silly me, living in my dreams and hopes,
I should have known a while back
that wishing stars are deaf and blind
and that history is only dead lands and fading ashes.
These eyes hold no love and no dreams,
and my story is another page of unread tragedy.
I am the unnamed mistake of existance.
I only fit between lost and dying stars.
I have no reason to look up and pray no more,
these are rainless clouds and wingless butterflies.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I will absolutely review yours, do pm me with the link and I shall review it at once.
I really enjoyed the poem, I am sorry I do not have much advice for you about how to improve the poem. I think it is fine the way it is.
I hope you will check mine out. I would respect your opinion!
I like this. Lumi when he reviewed my poem said that poetry should have proper punctuation, like periods and the rest. This has good rhythm, although the flow seemed a bit stilted at times to me. (But maybe that was because I tried to sing it.
)
Otherwise this was good. I liked it.
aww, aren't you a cute little one! I'm glad you like.. but I still have to fix it eih?
I love it! Love it!! *dances around like a little girl* Nice apocalyptic mood and imagery, beautiful words. Hurrah!
THANK YOU!! Now that was a boost of confidence xD Do not worry I am editing it
Thank you so much!
Interesting use of words. I enjoyed the structure of the poem and I enjoyed reading it. Needs some editing, but most of what is needed has already been stated. Although, if you are content with this piece, then leave it and move on to the next one. Make that one just as good or even better. I look forward to reading more of your work.
This is beautiful! (: You're incredibly talented.
Fab, can't wait to read the next version!
Hi, I really like your new ideas, I think I might actually use some of them in my editing. Thank you for your review, your opinions are very much appreciated dear. ^^
Yes you are right, I am working on writing it again, I hope the new version will capture you ^^ Thank you for your review hun
I like this, and I think this poem would make good lyrics for a song. It's not particularly emotive, for me, but it's very dramatic and the language is really colourful. I think that the title could be better, as it is somehow quite cliched which might make people take the content of the poem less seriously. Using the first line, Shooting Stars, would work. I also think that some of the words don't work quite as well as others would, but on the whole, it's a lovely and unique poem, and well contained so the lines are all quite consise. I'm going to put my suggestions next to your lines, in bold, so that you can see some different ideas that might help you with the poem. Also, I think your style would be a lot more free if you didn't worry about rhyming, it would allow you to use some more artistic words.
I love the stanzas and rhyming and all.... It's well written, but it didnt really touch me... it was more like a well-written text that flowed good and my mouth but in didnt get further then there... Not until the last two lines, they were brilliant. I think they could really create a good story, because as it is now, it's just text, it tells no story...
But I still must say, I LIKED IT! And quite alot too.. But it could be EVEN BETTER!
Hugs and hearts from Sagaa
Yes yes I know what you mean ^^ I should add threads of a story, like Lumi told me. You're right, I'm working on it. Thank you for your review ^^
I like the poem, although that pain that you are trying to show in the piece is long overdue, you lag on getting to the point. I like the poem though, very well written
Keep Writing!!
Thank you snoik, I'll try to make the best out of it
Hey foxy!
I like this line the best:
And that's mostly because the other stuff is this really abstract stuff that doesn't really have any movement. It's like you just had a bunch of music video clips without lyrics. So it's FLASH, FLASH, FLASH without any sort of context or glue. Kind of random! The last stanza, on the other hand, has a really cool image and makes us wonder what's really going on. So yay!
Good luck editing!
Well here is the thing, the point of this poem is actually sadness and grief. And to get there, you have to use your imagination even beyond logic and what is familiar to us. You just have to think of everything that maks you angry, and you'll understand that every single line in my stanzas has an implicit meaning behind it. You only have to read between the lines.
This doesn't sound too enjoyable, so I am not too into that part. I know you needed this to rhyme and things, but you're not saying anything here. There's no story to follow, it's basicly the same description over and over, which is boring and it doesn't make any sense.
You should go through the motions of this. What happens? How does it happen? There's no real action in this poem, there's no connection to the real world and there's no way for us to really relate to this. What happens that we can connect to? How do you die? What's it like?
Poetry can be like an essay. You have your main ideas and their supporting details that will help you lead to an over all conclusion about that essay. Well, in poetry, you have a similar format. All your lines and ideas need to help add up to that over all idea, everything you say should help add to the story.
Also, this is very list like, which is boring, you should help add to the flow, using interconnected ideas / some sort of over all theme. Something that makes it all go toward that one direction and doesn't branch off to talk about the stars when your subject is a hurricane.
You focused on the hurricane's pieces but the stars to really fit into that, unless you consider looking up but you're busy dancing; how often to you look up at the sky/ceiling while you dance?
Good luck, keep writing,
PM me with any concerns;
Silented1.