Young Writers Society

Yo, fortis! Since it's not to often I get to read a comedy piece (and a religious-themed one, at that!), I decided to drop in and give this a review.

...and I love it. XD

Marvelous job! While I'm not a Christian myself, I got a lot of the jokes here (especially Reign of the Judges - that made me crack up), and I found this a very amusing interpretation of Biblical characters and stories applied to a cooking contest, of all things. I just admire the fact that you're able to take as unlikely a story concept as this, and make it into something that accomplishes its goals of being entertaining and fun. Imagining it being performed in front of an audience makes it all the more hilarious.

There aren't any criticisms I can provide of this piece, especially given its intentions and how its supposed to be read. To be honest, I wouldn't mind if there were, like, stage directions. Perhaps a few specific roles for each of the characters, and some lines for them, complete with your narration and stage props. Honestly, I'm envisioning the narration could be combined with play-style effects for more of a dramatic effect. That'd probably make it a little easier to act it out and construct the scenes, although this is more of a comedy work than a play-style work. But they could be combined, you know? Beyond that, I just really enjoyed some of the jokes in here. Especially with Abraham and the salt joke (although I don't think that'd be the best way to honor his wife - you know, putting part of her into a casserole for the judges. They might eliminate him for that. ).

Yep, that's about all. I loved this! It was funny, well-written, and took a concept that I wasn't sure would be very successful and made it exactly that. Nicely done!

P.S.:

Last week, the couldn't even get their ovens started, and he seemed to be able to call FIRE DOWN FROM THE SKY to light his

You missed the bit where someone gets stoned to death.

Okay, I can't resist, I'm going to review this.

So yeah, this is funny. Nerdy biblical references for the win. I kind of really want to hear you perform it in a recording.

Yeah, I'm iffy about the grammar things. It makes it a little bit strange to read, but it's also hard to convey that grand commentator voice without the emphasis.

I think my biggest critique for this is that I want it to be expanded. Right now, it feels like it's just a core concept that you could milk a lot more out of. Realism isn't the point here, but the commentary feels like it could be more fleshed out, and I'd like to have more details about the contest and where they are and just generally it feels like it moves too fast through the contestants, like your skipping through the story to get to the jokes.

Also, you've pretty much only done the obvious jokes here, the Bible stories that everyone knows (except of the Reign of the Judges joke.) Again, I think you could go deeper, referencing more obscure stories, even if they're about the same people.

I think your Abraham and Jonah jokes are the weakest of the four. While the 'ham' pun is amusing, I feel like the reason we're calling him Abraham doesn't really relate to the actual reason he's called Abraham. But maybe it's just because I'm not sure I quite get the reference to the rule being added after he joined the show - it's referencing Mosaic law, right?

With the Jonah joke, I just feel like there's not much there except for 'oh, he procrastinated a lot' and, of course, the fish broth. Maybe I'm missing something. I probably am.

My favorite of this is Moses, and honestly he's a great candidate for these jokes because there's just so many stories to choose from. Referencing Baal, and of course the mana - both work surprisingly well in this cooking context. The thing about Eve was just odd. It didn't make a lot of since to me and didn't really seem to fit where it was placed... why would she blame him for getting boils?

The biggest concrete suggestion I have has to do with the last line. I think it would pack a more solid punch of you said something along the lines of "and it looks like the judges like it so much, they've given it a score of 11/10, Would Eat for 40 Years" or something like that. Trailing off like you do is a little weak.

So, this has been a totally ramble-y review, but I hoped it helped anyway! Thanks for the really funny read.

Erm, I understand most parts, and this is humorous. Nice job!

I'm dying.

(Reign of the Judges. xD)

EDIT: Also you put this in fanfiction and that makes it that much more hilarious.