DAY 1
Sunday, 05/10/1940
Time:10;30 pm
Dear Diary,
I had reached the coast of north Africa and my role is in 5thIndian Divisions I have to take part in theNorth African theatre against Rommel's Afrika korps I am proud to be one of the few selected volunteers for defending a European countries base
My life is not an open book to learn about war and the causes of war I had one desire in my life that is to kill a person for my country and to bring my nation independence as a semi skilled educated Indian I think this war will have an unpredictable impact on Indian participation .I am in command of a big vehicle like thing and an English men told me to operate a big machine gun fitted in it. tomorrow will be a remarkable day for me because I life had seen enough problems since my father passed away in this land I am going to fight till my last breath to avenge the death of my father
I had seen enough impact of this war while travelling from port to the camp, there were lot of casualties while travelling through the only road which connects the port and some key cities with a joy of racing my way to hell [naraga] which we call traditionally
Could write again if alive
captain
Ravinder singh
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
This is an interesting Ravinder, excellent content.
In any case, I will say pay more attention to grammar and punctuation.
Like in this case:
"
Time:10;30 pm
Dear Diary,
I had reached the coast of north Africa and my role is in 5thIndian Divisions I have to take part in theNorth African theatre against Rommel's Afrika korps I am proud to be one of the few selected volunteers for defending a European countries base "
- Note the full stops, changes from had to have because a diary is usually written in present tense even if it happened in the past.
Try:
"
Time: 10:30pm
Dear Diary,
I have reached the coast of north Africa. My role is in the fifth Indian Divisions where I have to take part in the North African theatre against Rommel's Afrika korps. I am proud to be one of the few selected volunteers to defend a European countries base.
"
- This sentence is too long and confusing. Try to limit a sentence to 15 words or less.
"
My life is not an open book to learn about war and the causes of war I had one desire in my life that is to kill a person for my country and to bring my nation independence as a semi skilled educated Indian I think this war will have an unpredictable impact on Indian participation .
"
Try:
I am not open minded about war. (I think that's what you meant by 'My life is not an open book to learn about war and the causes of war'). My one desire in life is to defend my country and bring it independence even if it means that I have to kill a person for it. As a semi skilled educated Indian, I think this war will have an unpredictable impact on Indian participation.
The entire script will be better if you pay attention to grammar and punctuation.
next time i will try to correct my mistakes
So, I don't know much about the character you're trying to go for, but it almost seems like you are caught between two voices in this piece. What would make sense to me (though, of course, I'm not the author) would be to make his prose very dry and terse. But I think you could still pull a lot out of that in a literary sense. I thought that what you were going for in the first paragraph, but then I think you went off into a little bit of flowery prose. Just something to think about. Overall, I liked it.
thanks for your wisely words next time i will try to correct my mistakes
A strong point of this piece was your language and description, which is especially shown in the first paragraph, it really draws the reader in an creates some beautiful imagery.
Although there were some really beautiful descriptions throughout the piece, after the first paragraph I felt there was enough, and then to read more made it a bit samey to read. I wouldn't say get rid of all of the descriptions because you've done a really good job of them, but I'd say just add some variation in it because right now it's quite description-heavy. Plot wise, what's actually going on? I understand the the MC has lost their love, while these abstract descriptions of it are quite pretty, I think you need some more explanations for it because right now the plot falls a bit flat. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, to have a more metaphorical piece, but it just seems a bit pointless to do so without more of an explanation for plot.
mistakes can be supressed by identifying it.i thank you for identifying my mistakes and supporting my views