Young Writers Society

Uh . . . what?

I have literally no idea what you are talking about. I'm guessing you're talking about something Indian, but unfortunately, the majority of people outside of India have absolutely no idea what you are talking about through the majority of this piece. Written work like this isn't supposed to include looking up terms on Google just so that you can understand what the author is talking about. If you're going to work with a subject that isn't well know, and this is CERTAINLY NOT well known, I suggest finding a way to work a explanation into your work so that the reader isn't just sitting there confused about what they're reading.

At this point, because I don't honestly know anything about what you're referring to, I can't accurately say if this is a good piece or not. I do think the repetition of "I said nothing" is an interesting idea, but for it to work, there has to be some sort of understandable flowing narrative. What makes Maharashtra less important than Bihar? What are they, what do they symbolize?

Please, explain! These sounds like really interesting things, but you can't just expect us to know what it is. Explain!

That's all I can say reall
Thanks
~Maddie

Hey there fellow Indian, DrFeelGood here to review your work.

The moment I read 'intolerance' in the description, I thought I should look into this work. And within the first 2 lines I realized the crux of your poem. My thoughts very much resemble Monsters' except the fact that he may not be able to comprehend this poem because of cultural and national boundaries.

Criticism:

I am sorry if this sounds blunt and crude, but this work is not even half baked. Since I come from same background as yours, I know what the issue is about. A lot has been said about the ruling party and its intolerance, castiesm and its inability to deliver the promised, so-called 'rosy picture.'

Cool. I understand you're ranting about them. I will keep my political views aside, and give you complete freedom to express yourself. The challenge here is that your poem simply doesnt engage, neither does it stir any kind of an emotion. Your entire poem can be summed up in just one sentence, "They came, they promised, they fooled."

The sophomoric treatment doesnt help either!

Then they came for my beef [cow excluded]

This is a mess of random disjointed pieces of your intuition. This does not lead to a coherent conclusion and thus these words together where a jumbled mess of saying nothing at all in a very slow way. To further add, it reiterates a concept similar too Martin Niemöller's 'First they came' quote without any of the reason's that quote was any good in the first place. What you did was take the rudimentary idea of repetition without any practical reason that I can foresee. I'm not a fan. Disciplined, well versed writers carefully choreograph their literary techniques with wonderful reasons, that create a sense of wow.

The ultimate satisfaction I am looking for in great poetry is the wow factor, and that requires more thought and time reflecting about the why's of the techniques. But what it requires most is your degree of excellence, and when I read this poem I see sloppiness, and no thought what so ever. That degree of excellence inspires pity all across YWS and I am sort of embarrassed for alot of you.

Here is the problem I have, it may seem that you have discovered poetry but I don't believe you grasped the concept based on this, and until you open the door to it, it's not going to be very exciting for you or your reader. This is dull, unimaginative abstraction. There's no elements that reflect your reader's emotional response ect. I'm not the god of poetry but I love poetry, and I believe that based on this poem your love of poetry has yet to be captivated. I hope you find your way.