Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Politics

Violence

Truth Lies Reality

by flyingwaves


First they came for India

I said nothing

Then they came for Peasants

I said nothing

Then they came for Haryana

I said nothing

Then they came for my beef [cow excluded]

I said nothing

Then they came forChhattisgarh

I said nothing

Then they came for Maharashtra

I said nothing

Then they came for Bihar

I said something

Later I was not able to say something or nothing

[Inspired from a famous poem]

Dedicating for slain writers Govind Pansare,Dr MM Kalburgi and activist Narendra Dabholkar,


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
115 Reviews


Points: 75
Reviews: 115

Donate
Tue Nov 10, 2015 7:04 am
SereneSimpliciT wrote a review...



Uh . . . what?

I have literally no idea what you are talking about. I'm guessing you're talking about something Indian, but unfortunately, the majority of people outside of India have absolutely no idea what you are talking about through the majority of this piece. Written work like this isn't supposed to include looking up terms on Google just so that you can understand what the author is talking about. If you're going to work with a subject that isn't well know, and this is CERTAINLY NOT well known, I suggest finding a way to work a explanation into your work so that the reader isn't just sitting there confused about what they're reading.

At this point, because I don't honestly know anything about what you're referring to, I can't accurately say if this is a good piece or not. I do think the repetition of "I said nothing" is an interesting idea, but for it to work, there has to be some sort of understandable flowing narrative. What makes Maharashtra less important than Bihar? What are they, what do they symbolize?

Please, explain! These sounds like really interesting things, but you can't just expect us to know what it is. Explain!

That's all I can say reall
Thanks
~Maddie




flyingwaves says...


sorry for not specification of the poem,because people in bihar elected anti-central government so it will have affect among the people.Everyone is giving up their awards because of intolerance in India.Today various writers,poets,activist,bloggers etc were killed due to communalism for more information visit http://www.dawn.com/news/1212916andhttp ... %20society
Thanks for reading





dont explain it here, explain in the actual work



flyingwaves says...


I will try to improve my work and thanks for your advice and support



User avatar
134 Reviews


Points: 474
Reviews: 134

Donate
Tue Nov 10, 2015 7:03 am
View Likes
DrFeelGood wrote a review...



Hey there fellow Indian, DrFeelGood here to review your work.

The moment I read 'intolerance' in the description, I thought I should look into this work. And within the first 2 lines I realized the crux of your poem. My thoughts very much resemble Monsters' except the fact that he may not be able to comprehend this poem because of cultural and national boundaries.

Criticism:

I am sorry if this sounds blunt and crude, but this work is not even half baked. Since I come from same background as yours, I know what the issue is about. A lot has been said about the ruling party and its intolerance, castiesm and its inability to deliver the promised, so-called 'rosy picture.'

Cool. I understand you're ranting about them. I will keep my political views aside, and give you complete freedom to express yourself. The challenge here is that your poem simply doesnt engage, neither does it stir any kind of an emotion. Your entire poem can be summed up in just one sentence, "They came, they promised, they fooled."

The sophomoric treatment doesnt help either!

Then they came for my beef [cow excluded]


The parentheses ruin your flow quite badly!


The thing that bothered me the most is when you dedicate your poem to activists like Narendra Dabholkar. Dr. Dabholkar's struggle against superstition isn't even related to intolerance. He was always on the hit list of all the political leaders irrespective of their party. You can blame the government for being unable to find and punish his murderers but you haven't mentioned that!


Ultimately, your poem isn't well thought-out or even well planned. There is no rhythm, no linearity in the lines and it just makes it a tedious task for anybody to read it in its entirety. I am sorry if my criticism was redundant, but it didn't simply work for me.

Have a nice day! Keep Writing!




flyingwaves says...


Thanks for the comment ,I will try to improve my stance .Then they came for my beef [cow excluded] was mentioned only because so many people have died due to the simple word beef



User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 222
Reviews: 129

Donate
Tue Nov 10, 2015 5:05 am
Monsters wrote a review...



This is a mess of random disjointed pieces of your intuition. This does not lead to a coherent conclusion and thus these words together where a jumbled mess of saying nothing at all in a very slow way. To further add, it reiterates a concept similar too Martin Niemöller's 'First they came' quote without any of the reason's that quote was any good in the first place. What you did was take the rudimentary idea of repetition without any practical reason that I can foresee. I'm not a fan. Disciplined, well versed writers carefully choreograph their literary techniques with wonderful reasons, that create a sense of wow.

The ultimate satisfaction I am looking for in great poetry is the wow factor, and that requires more thought and time reflecting about the why's of the techniques. But what it requires most is your degree of excellence, and when I read this poem I see sloppiness, and no thought what so ever. That degree of excellence inspires pity all across YWS and I am sort of embarrassed for alot of you.

Here is the problem I have, it may seem that you have discovered poetry but I don't believe you grasped the concept based on this, and until you open the door to it, it's not going to be very exciting for you or your reader. This is dull, unimaginative abstraction. There's no elements that reflect your reader's emotional response ect. I'm not the god of poetry but I love poetry, and I believe that based on this poem your love of poetry has yet to be captivated. I hope you find your way.




flyingwaves says...


Thanks for your comment .I will try to improve my style of writing.I just want to protest against the death of so many people ,which made me write this




We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain