Lonely

hey, i forgot to say that you had very good use of alliteration in this line, "pitiful pretense of pleasure?" and i liked your ending, it felt very strong.

very nice. depressing and angsty. it kinda leaves you hanging, in a good way.

When you said it was a sappy poem i was like ohh great but after I read it, it really ddin't seem to be that way at all. It seemed like it was really filled with raw emotion and that you were pulling people into your world. When you said Pitiful Pretense of Pleasure I think it was a bit to much maybe tweak it. aia think you could add more senses and a stronger imagry,try to manifest feeling into other things I;ve read a lot of poems that that has erally helped. Overall really great poem nice work

A lovely piece of art!

Honest and unashamedly personal.
The back and forth nature of your work, the pretence and the reality,
to me evokes the thoughts of a mind tortured by unrequited love.
A line that illustrates this perfectly is "My treacherous heart, with a mind of it's own"

However, my only criticism is that the odd narrative touches, "My friends call me loudly,"
for example, focus the poem solely on yourself, but your feelings are felt universally!
Were it my piece, I would try find a way to open up these lines, perhaps "Friends call loudly",

Feel free to ignore that

Haunting piece "...laughter ringing like bells" Church bells? Lost love means no marriage?

Loved it

Oh, this is so sad! It's lovely - but sad!!
Ok, I think it starts off well -


Alone in this room,

That's full of people.

This is a very strong image,
and plays on the reader's compassion right from the start.

Alone in my heart,

That yearns only for him.

Also good, and has a nice dah-di-dah sort of rhythm (if that makes any sense at all)
However, the comma after heart is not needed - you can take it out


Talking to everyone,

A smile plastered on my face.

Can't anyone see through this

Pitiful pretense of pleasure?

Now I understand that this part is necessary to convey your message, but the wording is a little awkward and doesn't flow so well. Perhaps you could change these lines, though at the moment I'm not sure how you could do it.

Joking and laughing,

With all my friends;

Acting like I'm there,

Seeming to think of them,

This could, I feel, be condensed down to one or two lines. This may not make any sense at all, but explaining everything in depth is sometimes not as good as just hinting at something. Perhaps use a metaphor or imagery of some kind here.

While my heart,

My treacherous heart,

With a mind of its own,

Only thinks of him.

I LOVE this part. These are my favourite lines. Your use of repetition make it seem more heartfelt and emotional.

His laughter, ringing like bells,

His touches, gentle yet passionate,

His voice, telling me of his love,

His flaws, so easy to overlook.

Beautiful <3


My friends call me loudly,

Jerking me out of my dream,

As I fake yet another smile,

Act like I was just spacing.

Again, a little awkward. Perhaps just take some of this out as it is not necessarily needed.

And return to the play,

That had become my life.

Fabulous ending. (no comma after 'play' though)

I think this poem was lovely, and you really did have some beautiful language in there!
Hope I wasn't too harsh!
Jemima

I liked this poen\m. it made alot of sense and it was deep.

and here i was trying not to think about it...
i can relate to this too well
very well done, you draw the reader in and show them what your going through

now please excuse me while i go crawl into a ball... just joking, i never give in that easily

once again, its pretty well done, though following the advice you've been given would make it even better

-grimy

Hullo, hullo, hullo! I'm not sure what anyone else has said, so hopefully I don't go repeating others foolishly.

You obviously have something emotional you're writing about, which is a great start. There is a handful of things I could cover, but instead of boring you I'm going to try and hit the most important ones. Writing better comes in stages, so expect this to be phase one of "May learns to write amazing poetry!"

Punctuation is your friend!

You are awesome in the first place because you actually have punctuation in your poem! Srsly, I love you for it. However, you kind of misuse punctuation a lot. Remember, poetry has the exact same grammar normal sentences do; line breaks are just there for organization, they don't require commas. So, for example:

Alone in this room,
That's full of people.
Alone in my heart,
That yearns only for him.

Here as requested!

Pitiful pretense of pleasure?

His laughter, ringing like bells,
His touches, gentle yet passionate,
His voice, telling me of his love,
His flaws, so easy to overlook.

And return to the play,
That had become my life.

Hey hon, what's up.

Where shall we start? Let's start with your own admission: that this is sappy. If you know it's sappy, there are some really important questions you have to ask yourself. Does it have to be sappy? Is there a different way to express these ideas without making it so sappy? -- There are ways to write about a topic that's sappy without sounding sappy, which, if you think about it, is probably the better course. -- What makes this poem different? What makes people want to read this? How can I make sure others can relate perfectly to this?
Now, with the subject you picked, that last question shouldn't be a problem. Loneliness is a pretty universally felt emotion. Your biggest difficulty, I think, is with originality. There are no new human experiences, and very few that have yet to be written about, if any, and you picked one of the most commonly written about. That makes this much more difficult.
You have to use original language. Find the most inventive words, the most lyrical way of putting them together. And especially, use metaphor after metaphor! Your imagery is at the barest minimum right now. You need pictures and comparisons. Don't just tell us what this person is feeling, show us. That's a lot of what sets poetry from prose, which puts your poem in a precarious position, teetering on the edge of becoming prose that's just been separated into lines.

One more suggestion. The most beneficial thing when it comes to rhythm, I think, is reading the poem aloud. That should help you spot just about any little glitch and smooth it out to perfection. It's simpler than going through someone's line-by-line about your rhythm. I wouldn't say there were any big problems that stood out to me in that area, but all the same, you can never make a poem too perfect, right? =D

Good luck, and let me know if you ever want me to take another look at this!

Wow. What is up with everyone and such sappy, depressing poetry? Anyway, not bad. There where a little too many commas in the middle, but I'll let Elkiza do most of the critiqueing, since that's her job. But as a general message to all, life isn't that bad.

TWIN!!!!! This is so sad... You've been lieing to me! No, but seriously, I know exactly how you feel. Alright, so nit-pickles:

fluteluvr77 wrote:Alone in the room, The should be this.
That's full of people,This comma should be a semicolon, or perhaps even a period.
Alone in my heart,
That yearns for only him. Switch for and only. It sounds a bit odd as it is.
Talking to everyone,
A smile plastered on my face, This comma should be a period.
Can't anyone see through this
Pitiful pretense of pleasure? I absolutely love the alliteration here. Nicely done.
Joking and laughing,
With all my friends, Change the comma to a semicolon.
Acting like I'm there,
Seeming to think of them. This period should be a comma.
While my heart,
My treacherous heart, Love the word choice here.
With a mind of its own, Love the personification.
Only thinks of him.
His laughter, ringing like bells,
His touches, gentle yet passionate,
His voice, telling me of his love,
His flaws, so easy to overlook.
My friends call me loudly,
Jerking me out of my dream,
As I fake yet another smile,
Act like I was just spacing.
And return to the play,
That had become my life. Adore the metaphor, and really strong ending, but awwww, so sad. Poor Twin.