I stare across the room,
At him and only him,
As if no one else existed,
As if nothing else mattered.
I take in his perfect features,
Those emerald-green eyes,
The messy bronze locks,
The tender, soft voice.
I try to run away from him,
Ignore the irresistable attraction,
Yet, feel rooted in one spot,
Trapped in his pleading expression.
I recall his flaws,
Those imperfections,
Struggling to stay angry,
To hate him as I should.
My effort comes to naught,
As memories wash over me,
Of his smiles, Of his voice,
Of his touch, Of his love.
My eyes harden,
My mouth set in a grim line,
As I refuse his begging,
As I walk away from him.
I refuse to look back,
Letting go of my love,
As I begin my walk home,
Weeping about my loveable torment
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
I shall do my best to review!
Maybe use another word besides "perfect" as Stella said. There's really nothing wrong with it, but, it's just a bit over used. Something like...how about "golden"? Not too over used is it?
You just misspelled the word. It should be "irresistible"
A lot of people have said this, I know, but I think it would be better if you had them lower-cased.
Over all it was a wonderful piece to read, I love your descriptions and the story in the poem. I hope this actually helps a little bit!
Hey flute, as I requested for you to request me to! (Gosh that's confusing)... Stella here!
Oh gosh. Now, you see, my own main problem is that in fiction, I hate perfect characters, and certainly perfect-looking ones. Perhaps switch the word "perfect." I have no problem with you liking how he looks, but just... don't say perfect.
Literally run away from him? Well, no. It's metaphorical, I get that, but the line I'm not sure about is the third one. I don't like the comma after "yet", it feels a bit out of place. Also, do you feel rooted to the spot, or are you actually (well, metaphorically) rooted in one spot. I think it'd be better if you switched "feel" to "am." "Feel" sort of ruins the metaphor, in my humble opinion.
Why the capitals in the middle of the lines? It looks a bit weird... the repetition would work without them, I think.
Is it already set or is it setting, in which case, perhaps "sets" would sound better>
You didn't put a full stop here like you did with your other stanzas...
Okay, overall...
As for capatilising the beginning of every line, some would tell you not to do it, but personally, I think that it's the traditional way of doing things, and if you want to stick with it, then do, I reckon it's fine.
The overall tone of your poem... Do you know, I actually think that we could use a bit more of her tearing herself away- perhaps a remention of his features as they are at that moment wouldn't go amiss? How she sees him then - are those emerald green eyes still so perfect? Well, I'm not a fan of perfection, but to use it in the beginning and have it fade by the end wouldn't be a bad idea...
Your voice is a little bit passive, but it works for this, I think. Overall, not bad, not bad at all.
Hope I helped, drop me a line if you need anything!
-Stella.
Thanks for the reviews guys! I'll work on it...
fluteluvr77<3
I understand exactly how you feel.
Reading through your poem, I understand that he wronged you and you don't like him for it, but what else is there? You go on and on about how you don't want him, but you love him at the same time. Explain more. Go back into the past and dig out the memories (if this is true). Talk about how he wronged you, and explain your emotions about when you first heard of his wrongdoing. Talk about the tears and the sorrow. Possibly even go farther, like if you went into a depression, or if you got so angry that you did some wrongdoing yourself.
Now, the second stanza bugs me. You say that his features are perfect, but then you say that his hair is messy. Try to change it a bit. Instead of messy, maybe write shiny.
There are also some rhythm errors that Explosive Pen already covered, but make sure to edit those. Rhythm can make or kill a poem.
If you want to discuss your poem further, pm me.
-Prin
Aww, Twin. So sad. Yes, I know he is a horrible person. But don't feel bad. We all make mistakes (like me!).
Rhythm issues. Like, lots of them. And the fifth stanza is longer than the others. It should read:
My effort comes to naught,
As memories wash over me,
Of his smiles, of his voice,
Of his touch, of his love.
It's okay to have commas and other punctuation in single lines. Poetry is about the rhythm and thoughts. Structure and formatting, too, but less.
And I think this would have worked out better in freeverse. But it's totally you're call.
Regardless, this is beautiful. Love ya Twin.
It wasn't THAT sappy!
I liked it alright, for all its sappiness (which you should probably cut down if you can). I especially liked the way it turned around on itself, the reader didn't know where it was going. I felt the stanzas were a little disjointed, though, and some--like the one describing his hair and eyes and all that--should just be left out all together. In the first stanza the last two lines caught my attention with the way you began each with "As if". In doing that the speaker is saying that the following things, "no one else existed" and "nothing else mattered", aren't true. "As if" signifies an act on the part of the speaker, a recognition of something false. I thought that would be interesting to explore, maybe in a different poem altogether, or taking this poem in a different direction.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. Keep writing!
-BFG
This was a really good poem. I liked how you set out to describe what it felt like to turn away someone you love just because you know you should.
I liked your imagery, but maybe you could put a little more in. Make me feel this guy, why he meant so much to her, how painful it was for her to let him go.
But I do also think some of your wording is a bit... off. Like it doesn't flow the way it should. I'd suggest maybe reading it aloud to yourself and seeing where it doesn't sound completely right.
But I thought it was good, just a little tweaking and it will be even better.
Love always,
-jade.