Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Marsella felt her dress flowing behind her as she made the fall from the concrete to water, cold and unforgiving. The bustle of people moving by had pushed her small frame into the pool, as she was not standing very strongly on her feet. She swam up, shocked by the sudden cold, and eventually broke the surface and reemerged, pushing her now wet brunette hair behind her ears while looking around, fluorescent lights flashing upon her eyes and the bodies of everyone else.
“Marsella!” She whirled around, locating the voice of elongated yelling. Behind her, jumping into the pool as if in slow motion, was fully clothed Andrew Myers, someone she hadn’t seen in so many years. A big splash came through when his body collided with the water, bringing Marsella back to reality.
The history of Marsella and Andrew was simple; there was no complex romance, and there were no hard feelings directed toward each other. They’d just known each other, acquaintances, someone you’d pass in the hallway of high school and not say ‘hello’ to.
On behalf of Marsella, she had held certain feelings toward Andrew that went unspoken by her and unheard by Andrew. Those feelings were a thing of the past, a thing of the days when Marsella wandered high school hallways. When she saw Andrew again, rushing toward her, those feelings came back; innocent puppy-love now mixed with lust of a woman now older. Marsella snapped back, again, to the present.
“Andrew?” She questioned while moving toward him, unsure of what to say to this man she hadn’t seen since he was in the awkward stage between boy and man. “How are you?”
“Well really, I should ask, ‘how are you?’ Where have you been all these years? I haven’t seen you around here.” She cocked her head, ready to answer.
“I actually moved away for a while, to California. I wanted to be an author there.” Both of them were still in the water, slightly chilled as it was now September.
“Cally-fornia!” He said mockingly, but not rudely, “What are you doing here then, Miss Author?”
“Well, I missed it here, and I figured I could be an author anywhere,” she paused, “It didn’t have to be in ‘Cally-fornia’.” She said, rolling her eyes sarcastically while laughing. Marsella noticed that Andrew’s words were slightly slurred and he didn’t seem all together, tipping her off that he must’ve been drunk. ‘Hopefully not drunk enough to forget me,’ Marsella thought. ‘I want him to remember me.’
Comfortable silence passed for a few moments when Marsella and Andrew stared into each other’s eyes, reigniting all flames of the past. Maybe, by some crazy coincidence, he’d feel the same way Marsella once did and is now starting to feel again. Just then, as if some magical force or higher being had read her mind, he stepped closer: a closeness reserved for lovers, not friends nor acquaintances. Even the highly inexperienced Marsella could notice that this closeness was something special between the two of them.
“Marsel-la,” he said, slurring her name. “I’m just gonna say it,” he said and then paused after a sigh. “I liked you when we were in school,” Her cheeks flushed red and she felt him so close- she cherished the feeling, wanting this forever. She stared for a moment, and then began nervously,
“Well, how about now?” He put his hands onto her shoulders, his lower body pressing against hers.
“Seeing you again, after all these years, I’m feeling it all again, Mars.” She smiled a bit, her lips turning slightly upward at the revival of her old high school nickname. Breathlessly, Marsella answered:
“I feel the same.” She pressed even closer against him, cusping his face in her hands, donning a confidence brought on by the validation of her feelings. “I liked you in school, and now again. I’ve been thinking about you a lot, actually.”
Recklessly and carelessly, Andrew rushed toward her, closer than he already was, making splashes in the water and pressing his lips against hers, making their own yin and yang. She took a step back as a result of the force of his body, but kept her lips locked on his, loving this moment and wondering if it were really happening; this was such an unexpected, an unrealistic, a fairytale, moment.
Andrew stepped back, disconnecting their lips, leaving Marsella wanting more. Pulling his arms up to hug himself, he said,
“Let’s get out of the pool. I’m fucking freezing,” in between laughs.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a really great first chapter. You have created your character very well, and I feel like people can really connect with Marsella. Her emotions and thoughts were described very well and over all, I think she is a really fleshed out character, fitting of being a protagonist. I really liked the flow of the story, how you continued in the same pace without once swaying from it.
I also liked that you provided some background for their crush on each other, so that the readers can understand and connect to the story. Still I feel like the romance between them was a little too sudden for the first chapter. I mean we haven't properly even been properly introduced to the characters yet, and we still get swept up into their love story first. That is just my opinion though.
You use the word 'now' here twice, and it sounds a little repetitive.
Your use of the word 'is' in the latter half of the sentence disrupts the flow as the entire story is in the past tense.
That's all. This was a very good first chapter and I look forward to reading more of your works.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Hey Fleur,
I like your writing style. I felt like you dropped us right into the the scene and nailed it. I could feel how Marsella was feeling, all nerves and butterflies. I like that I could see the scene playing out in my head as well.
I honestly don't have anything gripes, maybe that you don't have to use quotes for thoughts if you mention that she was thinking after.
I'm interested on seeing where this goes. I have an idea, but I'm looking forward to reading the next parts and reading more of your writing style.
-G
Hi there fleuralplants! I'm here for a #RevMo review on your first chapter!
A couple thing that I like about this chapter is the pacing, and relatedly, the balance between dialogue and descriptions. Having a balance between these two things is really important, because too many descriptions would bog down the reader, while too much dialogue would make it feel like a script instead of a chapter. I think you do a good job of describing Marsella's reactions, and her emotions, and her thoughts, too!
You do a good job of telling the reader about the scene, describing the water, the bustling people, fluorescent lights - I like that you use both visual descriptions and descriptions that use the sense of touch, but I'd also suggest incorporating a bit more sound and smell descriptions. For example, does the water smell like sharp chlorine? What does Andrew smell like to Marsella?
One thing I'd like to suggest is showing instead of telling. An example of this would be in the opening paragraph:
The bolded part is very clearing telling the reader something, without giving them much to picture or realize. This YWS article about showing and telling explains it better than I can! I'd recommend reading it and trying it out in your own writing!
I only have one nitpick:
These should just be one paragraph, as the dialogue tag ("he said") should always be in the same paragraph as what he's saying.
I think you do a good job with the dialogue -> it has the awkward feel of two people who haven't seen each other for ages. I am a bit curious as to how Andrew recognized Marsella if it's been so long?
Overall, this is a solid start! I'd suggest looking at that show and tell article, experimenting with describing with all the senses, and perhaps giving a reason for why Marsella is still recognizable (same bright blue pixie cut as from highschool? striking and unusual features? same bright green glasses?). I hope this is useful and if you've got any questions feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Thank you so much! I'll take those things into consideration.
I see you've been busy! I'm back to review you fabulous work, so let's jump right in, (pardon the pun).
This was a run-on. It has multiple possibilities for editing, but my personal is "She swam up, shocked by the sudden cold. Eventually, she broke the surface and pushed her [sopping brown] hair behind her ears. Looking around, fluorescent lights flashed [into] her eyes and over the bodies of everyone [around].
Simply a nit-pick, I feel that 'heavy' is a better word for 'hard'. Using 'hard', you imply that they could've had a possibility of being angry at each other - which wasn't likely to begin with because as you said, they were only acquaintances. With 'heavy in its place, you could imply that multiple emotions of a larger status couldn't go into play, limiting the quantity present. (I really hope this was clear to understand!)
You don't need 'now older'.
The transition was a little... rushed? I think you should slow down, give your character more feeling in her words. She obviously should be shocked, and her speech should show that.
The first part of this is that you don't need the quotations, just make sure to use a comma after 'thought'. The second is that the next sentence felt repetitive with the same wording. I recommend that instead of 'I want him to remember me', try 'I want him to recognize who I am.'
Lastly, I think this should be 18+ for the use of 'fucking'. It doesn't matter to me, but some people prefer not to read books with harsh language.
Per usual, this was an excellent piece that conveyed emotion pretty well. Their speech was believable, and the plot for chapter one is a great set-up. I cannot wait for chapter two - and, if you don't mind - I'd love for you to tag me so I can make sure you get a speedy review.
Hi! Thank you so much for this review!
I have a problem with run-on sentences (as you've probably noticed) so thank you for pointing that out!
And I will go back and change it to 18 - I wasn't sure what to rate it, so I just put an L for language, but I'll edit it!
Your review was very helpful, and I'll make sure to keep all of these things in mind as I edit!
And yes, I'll tag you.
Thank you so much!!