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by flawedfanatic

A l k a l i n e

It's always been abundantly clear to me exactly what this is. This shamelessly saccharine abyss, through which my consciousness and being erupt in spurts of sickeningly cloying platitudes and hollow words. I find comfort nestling myself in the spiraling obelisks I conjure up to console myself. But pure kindness is apathy, and I'm far from apathetic.

I'd even go as far as to call myself

An empath.

Though in spite of this, I find myself speaking without truth. Dispensing, at breakneck speeds, thoughtless blurbs of meaningless schlock. Because kindness is no truth, kindness is the afterthought of truth. Honesty is the garbled bloody screeches of a harpy who's uterus is eternally devoured by pestilent filth, meaningless drivel with no greater goal than to eat away at the fertility of kindness. Alas, it still remains abundantly clear. Are words so hollow truly kindness? Is kindness not founded upon the maturation of growth?

Kind words are not seeds

They're parasites

But who's to say that parasites are intrinsically caustic? Does it not lift weight off one's shoulders to have their innards devoured for the sake of bliss? A serene passing, a slow drift away into a caramelized land of soothing and sentimental banality? Given the freedom to succumb aware, or to expire in ecstasy, I'd willingly drift away in ignorance

As the spawn of a thoughtless god

What entitles me to understanding?

And yet, it's still abundantly clear to me. These obelisks whisper to me amidst my slumber, bestowing upon me furtive fallacies, and petulant privacies. When the clock strikes, I wander aimlessly. Yet I'm always sure to explore ziggurats of zygodactylous zealots, lest I allow my mind to wonder aimlessly.

Free thought is an expression of truth

What is the expression of truth if not the selfish defilement of god?

And though it's abundantly clear to me, I seldom ponder the concept of awakening. To be awake is to feel pain, to feel pain is to disconnect oneself from their own innate holiness. And in the interest of self preservation, I willingly relinquish the keys to the castle in my cranium. For what is a brain, but a parasite, that feasts upon anguish.

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84 Reviews

Points: 5421
Reviews: 84

Wed Apr 22, 2020 6:28 pm
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Icon wrote a review...

First things first; this is an amazing story. I really enjoyed how you know who your audience is, and didn't try to dumb down the metaphors, vocabulary, etc. HGsomeone mentioned works by Ray Bradbury and George Orwell, and I agree with the comparison. The lines "I seldom ponder the concept of awakening. To be awake is to feel pain, and to feel pain is to disconnect oneself from their own innate holiness" struck me as particularly Bradburian (that is not a word, but I felt that it applied here). The whole concept was very well done, and I finished reading with an uneasy feeling. Very few authors I know of can evoke so much emotion with so few words. Props to you for this wonderful piece!

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64 Reviews

Points: 135
Reviews: 64

Tue Apr 21, 2020 8:30 am
QuoolQuo wrote a review...

Ahoy hoy,

This is certainly something else, which is a good thing but I'm not sure what to think of it. Alas, I will try to give you some general comments as best as I can to you to your splendid work, so here we go;

1. I LOVE the alliteration, being a big fan of the language device myself. My definite favourite example of this was,

"ziggurats of zygodactylous zealots,"

though I when I googled exactly what these words mean I though they were a bit of an odd choice taking into account the rest of the context of your work. Don't fear because I may just be understanding it wrong. Just be sure to know that I do love every bit of alliteration in this.

2. You have some fantastic examples of figurative language and metaphors woven throughout that add depth to what you're saying but I feel the point you were intending to get across got a bit lost in it all and thus my reason of coming away fro this and not knowing exactly what to say.
But who knows, maybe I'm just not clever enough to understand it. Though in truth, this did remind me while I was reading it of classical examples of dystopian literature such as "a brave new world", "Fahrenheit 451" and "1984". "1984" being the strongest concerning the message shown in the bolded letters which supports what you said about conformity in your comment below.
Was this intentional?

Overall, this is very well written with some exquisite examples of what figurative language can be at its finest but the overall message, for me, got a bit lost in it all. I'm sorry if none of this has helped.

Keep writing and have a nice day!
- H.G

Thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to write a review. I, as the writer, obviously have my own bias and understanding since it's my own work, so it's good to hear your critique. The whole alliteration with z's thing basically started as sort of a challenge for myself, but they basically mean nothing. As I saw it, it was just a cool way of saying "pyramids of bird-footed zealots", which is actually totally a reference to Thoth, the Egyptian bird god of wisdom and writing and stuff, and I totally didn't just come up with this right now. But as far as everything else goes, I might've just gotten a little too wrapped up in my own head, which probably muddled the message a bit. I'll absolutely take that into account with my future writing. Once again, thank you for taking the time to write this, I'll apply your critique in future writings.

Thanks again, and have a nice day as well!

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1253 Reviews

Points: 1822
Reviews: 1253

Sun Apr 19, 2020 6:09 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...

Hey flawedfanatic!

Welcome to YWS! My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by to give your story a quick review. It was definitely an interesting and unique read, and I appreciate getting the opportunity to read it.

I'd love to know more about your reasoning behind bolding certain letters to create a hidden message in your piece. It was interesting and I enjoyed searching for what the message ultimately said, but I have to say the bolding was distracting and made me focus on that as opposed to everything else. I'm not sure if this was your intention and it very well could be.

What you're left with is:


I think this really interesting, though I'm not sure how "arouse suspicion" fits in with the rest of it. "Accept false truths, why feel pain?" Could be a powerful six word story in its own right.

As far as the rest of the text goes, I like how it feels poetic. I guess it depends how much meaning you ultimately want it to to have.

Anyway, I hope this helps! Keep writing! :D


Thanks for the review Elinor!

Yeah, I was worried the bolded letters would be distracting, but I thought it'd add to the kinda weird feeling I was going for. In the future though, I'd probably think about what it really adds to the story.

On the subject of the bolded words, it's actually "don't arouse suspicion", which was supposed to add to the message about conformity. That being said, I think you're right about the six word story thing, it would fit far better with the story.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to check out my story!

Have a nice rest of your day!

"Be yourself" is not advice. It's an existential crisis waiting to happen.
— Hank Green