Published August 11, 2011
Decided to experiment--three words per line. Let me know if it works, or if it unnecessarily breaks up the flow.
Fire like waves--
severe passion blossoming,
crashing into the
walls built around
hearts, hardened to
protect the tender
flesh inside, that's
screaming, thrashing, aching,
dying under the
suffocating weight of
the dark, brittle cast
clumsily rendered in
amateur attempts to
patch away pain.
Come, little one,
come to the
fire; it burns
and consumes and
bleeds away the
gunk, the garbage,
the caked-on goo,
the dung you
mistook for a
soothing, healing salve--
everything must go.
Yes, it hurts.
You are coming to die.
Die, little one.
Die to old,
live to new.
Is this phantom
life worth living?
Die, little one,
die to lies.
Come near to
me, come into
the fire. Come,
let yourself burn.
I can't wait
to see what
you will become.
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Hey!
Okay, so this three- words- per- line is a unique concept, and though I like that you were trying to experiment with something new, it disturbed the flow of the poem. It does works at some parts of the poem, but for most of it, it is a real turn- off. Especially in the first and the second stanzas. It makes some lines harder to read.
Rest, the poem is great. Dark, but great. I personally felt it could use some more imagery, but that is just a suggestion. The third stanza is my favorite of all.
Overall, I really liked it. Keep up the good work!
Cheers!!
Hello, This is the Demoness speaking! I've come to review this piece!
So.. I like this idea - with only three words per line and for the better part of this poem you kept that oath and it did flow really well. Yet, there are a few places where you have less or more than three, and not that it bugged either the rythm or flow but I was just thinking, since you said "3-word-per-line" was the way you thought of this... Well, I just thought I'd mention it. IcyFlame pointed one of those occasions out, but there were a few other sections with the same deal aswell
Well, that was it about the structure, personally I would prefer it if you split the text in to a few stanzas, but that's just my opinion
Eeh, so to the content! It was surely, a bit morbid and dark, I liked it though. You could've used more imagery since it got a little repetative with the same "DIE" and "FIRE" over and over but.. yeh, it was okay.
All together I think this piece deserves 3½/5 icky, sneaky spiders!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I'm not much of a poet myself - and you say that's the same case for you but I will say I thought this was really good! Icy's pointed out the one nitpick I had and although this was a little morbid you managed to make it work really well. It was an interesting experiment with form but one that seems to have paid off so good job and keep posting
Hey there, Icy here to review!
I wondered if there was a particular reason for this? It doesn't upset the flow at all, it just goes against the way you were going to write the poem.I agree with the fact that the waves and fire seem to have a similar passion and you've done a good job of conveying that in your poem. For the most part, I think that the three words to each line structure works although I did notice one point where you put two words and then four.
Overall I really enjoyed this poem. It was a little sinister with its dark undertone but at the same time was really effective. I especially liked the last stanza
Yes, the three words per line did disrupt the flow--chock it up to the piss poor enjambment your adherence to the three words per line limits you to.
Lose "blossoming", it's irrelevant. Blossoming has nothing to do with crashing; fire does when it's being related to a wave and a wave certainly has a lot to do with crashing. Also complicates our understanding that fire, which is like a wave, is now a metaphor for passion.
Cliche.
Went and contradicted yourself. The hardened walls that protect the heart are suddenly brittle. Why? Was it because of the fire? Tell me that then. If you don't inform the reader of why something is suddenly quite different from the idea we have (which you gave us) of it, the reader will recognize the sudden and complete change as an inconsistency. In addition, I can't say I understand why you think the specification "dark" is necessary.
"patch" may not be the word you're looking for. As is with "patch" the phrase is alien to me and sounds awkward.
...The last two strophes were completely unrelated; the fire has ceased to be a metaphor and you've assumed the fire's POV, egging an anonymous "little one" on to perish in flames repeatedly.
Drop those last two strophes and you might be able to salvage the piece.