*sigh* Yes, a lot of it sounds forced. Now, how do I make it sound natural? XP
Edit: So I've decided on the first stanza. The one I'm leaving out is in spoilers, just in case anyone would like to see it. And yes, a lot of it was forced--it started from "She retreats" and went from there.
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Canary word: Present
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
I really liked this poem. This touched me, because this is how I feel sometimes. I noticed a few things, but I think the other comments already touched on them. So, just want to say good job!
Hello there! This is a pretty good poem! Good flow, good rhyme scheme, and good overall message!
"So she retreats into her mind
And builds her castle in the sky
Thinking maybe if she makes it high
That she can leave her troubles behind"
Every time I read this, I think that these lines would be an ideal chorus to a song! Very beautiful!
Good work, keep it up!
I am struck by the similarity of subject with your other set of lyrics. This set, however, is much easier to relate to since you have them grounded in the character of the daydreaming girl.
Every time I see "cuz", I snerk. I don't know why, but I do. You might want to try substituting for a different word, like "since", "for", "as", "if", or "when".
Corrections in bold, comments and suggestions in blues.
My comments on line-length and inconsistent punctuation, as well as a lack of pattern to the verses (though to a lesser extent), in my review on your other piece also stand.
For the most part, though, these lyrics were much better than the other set. By having a character to anchor the song, you make it much more accessible than the ambiguous "you" in the other lyrics.
In the case of this set of lyrics, I think you could do with being a bit more direct. You've got some padding in here that could do with a bit of shearing, and dealing with the issue directly would be best for this song tone-wise. the other option would be to incorporate more of the girl's daydreaming into the song, but that would require quite a bit of drastic reworking, and you would risk losing the grounding you have well-established right now.
In short: I liked this set of lyrics much better than the other. I think you could do with some branching out on subject matter, though. :P
I really like this. I could feel the emotions in it and understand it very well. This made me grin because you sorta described my personality to my school LOL. Well good luck and Happy Writing!!!! Hopefully I can read more of your works when I am not in la clase de español listening to some song. XD Keep up the good work...
Soulkana<3
I liked this is was very well written. Some of it sounded a bit forced but over all I think it worked out pretty nicely. Good job, and keep up the good work <3333
----XxjustmeXx
This was a very well written poem in my opinion. You didn't a very good job and I hope to read more of your poems and such.
This is an awesome piece. I just loved it ! Really...amazing and creative. I liked the way you first introduce the girl and then how you are suddenly questioning the reader.Keep it up !
I can understand this poem. It was generally pretty good. I was impressed. I disagreed with some of it and I couldn't figure out if you were going for a rhyming poem or just a poem. I think that some of it seemed it was a bit forced and parts just didn't seem to fit like 'She's just a geek'. That just didn't seem to fit and I had a hard time connecting that phrase to the poem overall. The 'chorus' (the part that you repeated) was well written but it seemed kind of overused or maybe a bit childish. I don't mean that to offend you but that's what I think. I'm not sure what you're asking at the beginning, but I think you should include the first stanza, maybe not in that form, but it would seem like it started out in the middle and some people might get a little lost. I think that this is a pretty good poem. Some mistakes but no one's perfect. Can't wait to see what you come up with.
Yay, you got it! ^_^ Thanks for the input. And yeah, I was writing it how it I think it should sound--not cure Because would fit rhythmically. And yeah, that was a bit confusing--I tried to clear it up a bit with the stanza you said should be the first. (:P)
I think I've seen you on YWS before....... hm....
Anyway, thanks for reviewing! I really appreciate it.
Hi! Well, I really liked this. It was well written. I think the second stanza would fit best for the first, if that is what you were asking? "Cuz no one does" The "cuz" could be because, I think that would look better. "If you weren't seen, and only observed" I understood that line, but at first I was a little confused. Those are just my thoughts though. Overall it was a really good poem. Keep writing!