Not sure where this came from, or if this is the right category, or if the spoiler thing is for things that give away elements of the piece or just for author's notes. I'm new, so somebody please clue me in? Thanks.
I love you
I need you
I want you
To love me
Cuz baby
Without you
I feel
So lonely
Baby, tell me why~
You break my heart
Baby, tell me why~
We're so far apart
I see the gulf,
It's ever-widening between us
Why can't you see
This relationship's been left to rust
And I
Miss you
So much
And I miss you
I'm longing for your touch
I need your hug,
I need your kiss,
And baby, I don't want to miss
One single second you're alive
But now, it's like
You've said goodbye
You don't even know
You don't even see
How desperately I want to be
Right by your side
I hate when you hide
But what's the use?
….at least I tried.
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Well to start, let me just say I am a huge fan of the ~
Please please please don’t get me wrong—the ending was my favorite part of this piece. I just think—when you sat “at least I tried” if you were to have told us, specifically, how you “tried” I would have found the ending more heartfelt.(I actually don’t know the name for this symbol)
Wow- I couldn’t find it on google and now I feel like an idiot…
Moving on!
I liked the feel of this poem, I mean the message was clear and I could really hear your voice.
If I was going to say anything it would be that the lines seem very cut off.
I write—well attempt to write songs and I do love a lot of short lines that just say something very complex in six words or less. Do you know what I mean?
Anyway, back to my point, I think the short lined stanzas aren’t necessarily bad, in my eyes at least, but detail is always good in my eyes as well. I mean I really like this piece but if I read more of a depicted story being told I might have been just a bit more intrigued.
For example~
[quoteAnd I
Miss you
So much
And I miss you
I'm longing for your touch
][/quote] Just changing "So much--and i miss you" to "So much--and i miss you holding me"
Just one or two words, in my eyes, can make a huge difference.
Just some of my thoughts
Great job!
~SnowBerry
Okay, so overall, this is an alright piece. If it's meant to be a song, I can understand how it might be a lot different or more striking with music, but for now all I have are the lyrics.
Can gulfs widen? I'd suggest mentioning the space between and cutting the gulf part, or adding more metaphor to expand on the idea of the gulf. This line feels out of place, sort of like the rust acknowledgement was thrown in there just for a rhyme. That's not the way you want it to feel. It should be connected to the line above. Choosing lines merely for the sake of rhyming can be extremely detrimental to your piece (trust me, I struggle with that sometimes too). Not everything needs to rhyme. You can break schemes or ignore them all together, just depending on what flows the best. You should work on this stanza and try to connect the two statements that could both be strengthened and improved on separately.First off, the beginning seems a bit boring, if you know what I mean. It feels almost empty because it's just statements that, while understandable, just come across as plain. Perhaps you were going for simplicity here, but I don't know your intentions.
As for the third stanza, I'm not sure what relation the statements have to each other.
The majority of this is rather cliché and unfortunately, that gives off a lack of emotion. This is a topic and a piece that requires a ton of emotion in order for it to be pulled off, so that's what you want to avoid. There isn't much that stands out about this, honestly, it's lacking that sort of "wow-factor."
All in all, it was solid, but lacking depth. If you keep digging, add more creative language, intensify all emotions, etc., it has potential to be great.
Hope this helped.
PM me if you have any questions.
And by all means, keep writing.
-Jocelyn
Thanks for the reviews, guys! It's so nice to get feedback. ^_^
I really liked it. I couldn't find spelling errors but then again I'm not so great at that. But I really liked the poem. I could really relate right now. Thanks and keep writing!
That is really good. I like how you made the poem flow smoothly, it makes the feeling of it more noticable. Good job.