I loved him once,
I loved him twice,
I loved him thrice.
His hair,
His eyes,
His dirty lies.
I loved it,
I loved it all,
I loved it when he’d call.
But then he left,
And as I wept,
I almost kept,
His picture.
But it was burned.
But I still yearned,
For his love.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey firelight, and welcome to YWS!
I don't think the repetition here really does you any good. Sometimes repetition can work, but here it's just mundane and really bogs done the story.
On top of that, the poem itself just isn't very interesting. Love poems have become a genre unto themselves, and yours isn't very compelling or original. On top that, your ending was a little shaky.
Go into a bit more detail, okay? Why was the picture burned? Did the narrator burn it? Was it arson?
Good luck revising this, and PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor xo
Wow, this is really good stuff.
I can't say I've ever seen this style of poetry (But then again it's not my forte). I really like it. It gives the poem some sort of passion or drive, the rhythm of it. There's something tremendously powerful about the whole thing. You know, I read the title and I was like "Oh Lord, here comes another one about 'love'" but I was very pleasantly surprised
These are the only things I have to say to improve it:
Something is wrong with the first line. It's one syllable too short and it ruins the whole flow you have going in the previous stanzas. I'm sure you can find a way to add one syllable to the first line. I loved his...? I loved the...? ...Something. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks the flow breaks. I don't know. Read it out loud and see if you agree and change it if you want.
I don't like the repetition of the 'but'. You could change the second one to and? In my opinion it sounds better, and it doesn't detract from the meaning of the line, but this is very nit-pickity so I get it if you'd prefer it to stay the way it is.
That's pretty much all I could comment on, but well done. This is truly very good. It's hard to make something so simple come across so forcefully and you've done a great job.
Always keep writing,
~^~Chelsea~^~