The creature sat back on its long legs, watching him. Jamie could just see a muscular tail propping it up. An absurd thought struck him. ‘It looks like someone in a rocking chair.’
“Well, boy? I have all day to watch you; why don’t we talk?”
Jamie gaped at it.
“Hu, that’s the worst of you people. You don’t think anyone can talk besides your noble selves.” The voice was female and scornful.
“Oh! W-well, I’m sorry,” the boy stammered.
A gentle paw clasped his shoulder while a second raised his chin. He found himself staring into a pair of intelligent brown eyes. “Well, you look like you’ve been dragged a bit. What should I call you, besides human?”
“Jamie.”
“It’s not bad. My name is Neyri.” The eyes lowered in what might be shyness.
“It means ‘dreamer’, I’m afraid.” As she levered herself forward, he saw a round opening in her waist. The sight jogged his memory: tales about odd, furry people who carried their young in pockets. Rhu, that was the name! He jumped to his feet; Neyri hopped backwards in alarm.
‘I’ve done something wrong,’ he thought. ‘Now she’ll go away.’
She didn’t. Instead she reached into her pocket and drew something out. A loaf of bread; she was breaking it up and handing one piece to him.
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139,331 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
OM GOSH!! its so cool!! but a have some qwstshons :
1)The creature sat back on its long legs>>i dont think that ANY anamulls sit on thar lages. i undr stand if you did not whant to say but for some resin :p
2)i dont fell like i know the cariktrs...i meen its like a skit that no ones herd of...you know?
Hi there!
I am here to review.
I am being honest when I say that I'm in love with your writing style. It is simple, but catchy, and well organized. The punctuation is perfect and I never see any grammar errors in your pieces. However, I truly think your story lacks details. In order for this to be more enjoyable for the reader, I think you need to let us know more things. You are not telling us who these characters are, where they are at, if it's it cold or hot, or sunny or rainy, etc; the things that you as a writer know because you created the story.
I definitely think you have the potential! You really do. xD However, you need to work a little bit more on those little (but huge) details.
Hopefully, I expressed myself correctly. However, if you have any questions, you know that you can PM me.
Your friend,
GeeLyria<3 =]
Short and sweet. My only suggestion would be focusing more on the separation between Neyri and Jamie, including her scorn at the beginning and her fear when she jumps back. If the final statement of breaking the bread comes as a greater contrast to the earlier development of the story and a greater surprise for the reader it would make the overall message more powerful.
To short.
drew me in immediately, and I though: "wow I want to know where he's going with this." I'm imagining something brownish-yellow, but that is your choice. I really hope you edit this because I can't wait to see what Neri looks like.But the short bit was VERY good. It would have helped if you had put in some more description of Neri and I'm sure you'll do good job because:
PM me when you do and I will definitely read it (thought when I can is a different matter because I am almost never online).
What she looks like is a kangaroo...
Hello!
This story was cool. I really liked how you described the creature. I just have a few nitpicks that I found:
This sentence was a little awkward. I think you should change the semi-colon to a period and divide it up into two sentences.
Same thing here. I think that "A loaf of bread" should be in the first sentence and the other half should be its own separate sentence.
Keep writing!
~Earthfire