Jim

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Nice going here! That was hella funny! This was a very refreshing read on this Fabulous February Review Day! Now then, the review.

Like I said, this was a really enjoyable read. Although it was short, I feel like that added to the comic greatness of it. It reminded me a lot of a story parents would read to their kids at bedtime...other than the part about Jim making them into his slaves. I mean, slavery's bad. *blk history moment*

The way this was written also added to the comic effect very nicely. Your short and concise syntax and your very straight-forward/story-telling sentence structure definitely produced some chuckles. I like the way you didn't ever really go into specific detail here. It was basically just a series of events placed before the reader. Sometimes stuff is funnier when a writer employs very drawn out descriptions, but doing just the opposite can produce something just as funny if it's done right. Here, it definitely was. Good job!

My only issue with this piece is that there isn't a sequel. I'd really like to see how the other caterpillars that made fun of Jim are handling forced labor and a life of bondage.

Happy Review Day! Keep writing!

Deadman here with a review for you today. Nice, story indeed. I haven't read anything about a caterpillar in ages! This is very interesting, and has a cool twist at the end. I like the concept, and the theme. This could be a really cool twisted children's story. >:D Okay I'm a little evil. Okay well, welcome to YWS and if you have any questions feel free to PM me. Now onto my review.

Like I said it's cool, but even though it's a short story it still needs detail. The story doesn't really elaborate on the events in it. Its kind of short and sweet. Which I guess could work, but I, like most others, enjoy a lot of detail, but not too much. Like instead of saying "This made Jim depressed." You could say, "This made Jim very upset, and created an overwhelming feeling of sadness." Things like that would make it longer, and add the beautiful thing of detail.

"over Time Jim grew up and into a beautiful butterfly." Needs capitalized.

"Jim was then the happiest Jim he could ever be!" Remove the second Jim and it will sound nicer.

Great story, just needs more detail. It was a little unexpected with he whole slave thing at the end, which is actually kinda nice. It makes it more original. I like the story, and can't wait to see more from you. I hope you like it here on YWS, and until next time, happy writing!



Cheers,




Deadman XD

:O wow. First i should introduce myself. I am (according to my friend fictional) a sentient being of numerical value, aren't i lucky? Anyway forward march to the review!

First off i would like to say that this is a very short story. Don't worry, i do not judge by length (yes i do) No i don't. I like how you have a theme (Why yes, you have a theme) I also like how you show Jim's evil side. Slaves huh? Anyway on to criticism.

Sorry. There are some problems with this story (getting scared? It's like that Christmas movie the ghost of criticism past) No its not. Anyway, i would like to say two things.

1: Try indenting. It would help the layout of your story.

2: There are a couple of problems with sentence structure. For example, "They ate all of the caterpillars, except for Jim." I would suggest removing that comma out of there. Here: they ate all of the caterpillars except for poor prickly Jim. Is this better? Nope! Its just my opinion on your work .

Have fun and keep writing. Don't be discouraged bro!