Published February 2, 2010
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140,904 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
hi
keep writing
i think that this is a really good poem it has alot of emotion and i can feel that emotion GOOD WORK.
Hello! I think using a rollercoaster metaphor could have been a little cliche but you made it work because of the description you added to it, so I quite liked that part. I think if you used a little more punctuation, your poem would look a bit tidier. I quite like the description you have used though, it is quite vivid, so well done.
Hi Fiction! Welcome to YWS! It was really good. Have you ever written poetry before? Even if you have its pretty impressive. It was short and sweet, which is exactly the kind of poem that I adore.
However, nitpicks, nitpicks, nitpicks.
This line seemed too long and uncomfortable, like you were trying to cram too much in. Try breaking it up a bit.
You also let a few adverbs slip in that could be eliminated. For example, it's a bit redundant to say "ragged shreds". Shreds are already going to be ragged, aren't there? Secondly, "you stare distantly at me" should be a new line. Also, I think you could add a period after "thoughts". I'm also a fan of taking out 'distantly' because the line 'you stare at me' packs a bit more punch. However, do whatever you would like.
This line seemed like it was a bit out of the blue. I know what you're trying to get across, but it seems more cheesy and breaks up the peaceful, direct flow of this poem. Instead I'd write, "here we go again," and end that with a period instead of an exclamation.
That's all I found wrong with the poem. I really liked it and I'm going to give it a thumbs up.
Again, Welcome to YWS, and please PM me if you need anything, alright?
Hi. I'm Kate. Welcome to YWS.
First of all, don't think I'll go easy on you just because you're new...
Just kidding! Now...
First I want to spell out to you something that is well used and appreciated when it comes to poetry: r-h-y-t-h-m. It makes the world a better place... although if you're beginning poetry, it's very hard to master. Not much rhythm in here. You might want to, if you're a beginner, base off your work on a certain rhythm pattern of someone much more experienced and/or well-known when it comes to that aspect, such as Poe or Longfellow. Take their work as examples, and try to apply their rhythm in your work (although this may not work all the time and may not suit all of your poetical needs, it might help). Gradually, when you reread your own work, you'll realize what you lack, and you'll develop a sense of rhythm all on your own and become unique.
Oh yeah! The title. I think you mean "Crashed". If not, well... what the chicken does 'Crased' mean? Is it Latin? Dutch? What? Earth-speak, please?
Off to the next one: imagery. 'Tis quite overused, some of 'em here, but there are also some unique points that I found interesting.
I'll point out the points that I liked first:
- I like the idea of what you're trying to portray, but you should separate this chunk of text with punctuation. Why? Punctuation makes Kate a happy bunny. And it makes the world all sun-shiny and bright. Most importantly, it clears the flow of thought and makes the sentence not look like a run-on. It also adds some dramatization, since punctuation adds those... erm... dramatic pauses which makes your poem all the more epic, per se:
There. Better, no?
Aaaaalthough, that aside, I don't like the following lines after this... Hm... But I can't think of anything better to put in it. Something big's missing and I just can't place a finger on it. Once I find out (and once I finish pondering about this mess) I'll be sure to inform you.
Next is...
- 'Tis good... but how exactly do you climb into a tantrum?
- Aha. But it lacks punctuation again.
There. Better.
Now, the nitpicking begins. You think I've already begun, haven't you? Well, I haven't. You've never seen the rest of it, buddy...
Gosh, kid. I'd be your mentor if you'd like me to be. XD
So there. I hope this helps! I'll click the like button as a bonus for a job well done... but don't get too confident! You've still got lots more to work on!
Have a fantastic day! PM me if you need anything else, okay?
Peace, sugar and bright, fluffy nonsense,
~Kate
I am thrilled you like it.
Aww your too hard on yourself
First of all Welcome to YWS, I see your a new member!
Second...erm here's the review thingamabober
This gave me the mental image of a girl and a guy fighting, a very vivid picture which means your describing is good. I like the comapring between a wave and your emotions and stuff. This was REALLY good. Don't be so hard on yourself. I liked it alot .
PM me if you wanna talk...unless your a creepy balding 60 year old stalker dude then please don't PM me. If you aren;t however PM me anytime
~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate
Valentine
Hello Fiction. I am new here also.
You seem to accept failure, which is not a good attribute. Maybe you have been told in the past you are not very good, but I think you have talent. The poem captured something unique for me. It painted a picture of uncontrolled disaster.
Some tips for you that may ease your thoughts of failure. Forget the punctuation. The best thing about poetry is that there are no rules. It's like a bird with no cage, it's beautiful. Without the periods, commas, and such, it leaves the reader to read it as he or she pleases, and take from it what he or she wants. It also makes it less rigid. I hope I see more from you in the future.
Valentine