Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
This was a thing. I don't really know what to call it lol. I don't own the lyrics in italic - they're from a song called 'You' by Keaton Henson. I heart about the song in passing (on YWS, funnily enough) and it made me think about my two characters, Micha and Tom. These events aren't in chronological order.
If you must wait,
Wait for them here in my arms as I shake
They sat on a crumbling brick wall as the crescent moon waned above them, and enemies gathered near to them. Tom sat, leaning his weight on Micha and his head on the werewolf’s shoulder. Micha’s arms were slung around Tom’s back as the city hummed its golden, messy, lightshow hum behind them. The trembling begun as Micha stared into the darkest of the shadows and the seemed to morph into angry canine shadows with big snarls and bigger teeth.
“Ssh,” Tom stroked Micha’s hair gently, “I won’t let them hurt you.”
If you must weep,
Do it right here in my bed as I sleep
They lay in Micha’s bed, after Tom’s parents had chased them out and off of the weretiger territory. Micha lay listless, stirring and sighing in his half-sleep. Beside him, Tom held his hand and wept silently into the pillow, curled up against his lover’s chest. Nothing he’d felt before had hurt quite like that evening had. Now, Micha was all he had.
If you must mourn, my love
Mourn with the moon and the stars up above
They stood over the corpse of Anatoly. Blood pooled and stained the white of his underbelly crimson. He lay stretched out on the ground, his fur an even darker shade of red with all of the filth and blood matted into it and his eyes glassy and missing their light.
“God, Tom,” Micha sniffed, leaning into Tom’s chest as he fought his sobs.
“It’s okay,” Tom murmured, “it’s not your fault. it’s okay.”
If you must mourn,
Don’t do it alone
*
If you must leave,
Leave as though fire burns under your feet
“Get out, you bastard!”
“Shit, shit, shit…!” Tom grabbed Micha by the wrist and fled down the stairs of his huge Kensington home as his parents threw vases and charged after him. He heard his father’s deep, rasping roar and his claws scrabbling on the marble. He felt the machine-gun pace of Micha’s pulse in his wrist.
“Bloody faggot!” his mother shouted. “You’re no son of mine!”
He rammed his shoulder into the front door and sprinted with Micha down the street.
Micha, I'm so sorry.
If you must speak,
Speak every work as though it were unique
“I love you.”
“Micha, fuck off.”
“I do. I love you so much.”
“...Yeah? I love you too, you silly pup.”
If you must die, sweetheart,
Die knowing your life was my life’s best part
Please don’t die. Micha hauled Tom out of the canal, almost retching at the stench of sewage and infected wounds. His clothes were tattered over his pale, slashed skin. Claw marks criss-crossed his chest and neck, screaming bloody murder. His eyes were barely open.
Micha could feel the death. He could feel the death coming like a tiger stalking through the dead forests of winter, squeezing shut over his heart and never, ever letting go. He squeezed Tom’s hand.
“Please don’t die.”
And if you must die,
Remember your life
*
You are
You are
Oh, you are
You are
Oh
He’d never done anything like this before. Nothing like what was happening then, in the warm shadows of one of Micha’s spare rooms, with little gasps and so much touching and kissing and nuzzling that it made Tom giddy just to consider, let alone acknowledge. It was so right.
How can this be wrong?
*
If you must fight,
Fight with yourself and your thoughts in the night
They squared off against a pack of wolves and a horde of tigers. Growling and snarling, each one on opposite sides of the dockyard like the crusaders against the innocent. Micha, a big white wolf, and Tom, a stocky rusty-orange tiger, stood together in the middle of it all, braced for the inevitable.
They pounced.
If you must work,
Work to leave some part of you on this earth
*
If you must live, darling one,
Just live
Just live
Just live
“Goodbye.”
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138,126 Literary Works • 672,075 Reviews
I'm here for the review you requested in my thread!
Also, just a note as a moderator: I've bumped the rating on this from 16+ to 18+ for the use of the f-word. It's not a big deal, but we do ask that works be rated correctly, and the f-word requires an 18+ rating - for more details, see here: Content Ratings Guidelines
Anyway, with that boring stuff out of the way, let's get on to the review.
I do actually like the use of the song lyrics in between the little scenes. You're right, they do appear to fit well with your characters and their story.
However, this could be more effective. Remember, you understand perfectly what's going on here, and the reader, especially ones that aren't familiar with your story and your characters, just simply don't. Because of that, I wouldn't recommend having these scenes out-of-order - it's just more confusing for those who don't know the story in the first place.
This does have the makings of being extremely touching - your writing is actually quite emotional and powerful. The problem is sort of what Casanova touched on - we don't have enough time to get to know your characters, and we aren't even seeing their story in order. Honestly ask yourself, what makes this story different from any forbidden love story ever? Sure, they're gay, but I'd argue that gay romance is the forbidden love story of today. (Plus, most gay romance stories I've read feature a scene exactly like the one where he gets thrown out of his parents' house.)
Now, they do appear to be werewolves/weretigers and there's some sort of rivalry there. That sounds really cool, but isn't really explored enough to make this unique and memorable. And I'm not saying that you should necessarily explore it further here - we can guess enough, and the point of the story is the romance, not the supernatural stuff.
So: characters. You're showing us the most dramatic moments now. Still show those, but show them in order and expand them, and preferably work in a few smaller moments where they're just being them. Both 'normal' times and intense, trying moments are important to show your reader who your characters are. Give them unique voices, which I know isn't easy, but it does wonders for making your characters pop off the page. I'd try not to make the scenes too long, but a little longer than your ones now is perfectly fine.
One small problem I noticed is that it was hard to distinguish which words were Tom's thoughts and which ones were song lyrics, because sometimes you ended a scene with Tom's thoughts. You can fix that easily enough by putting the lyrics in the center.
And that's all I've got! Hopefully this was helpful, and thanks for requesting a review!
Thank you for reviewing <3
Sorry I took so long to reply. Apologies for the wrong rating - I'll be sure to check properly next time I publish anything. Yeah, looking back on it, it really does need some work haha. It was definitely a helpful review
No problem! You're very welcome.
Heya, Felidae! Casanova here to do a review for you!
Anyway, I have three main points I wanted to convey in this review. Characters, Plot, and dialogue. So let's get to the review!
Characters:
Now, overall your characters are pretty bland, honestly. I mean, you have some vulgarity that gives a hint into the characters minds(meaning they're a tad rude, to be honest) but overall you seem to lack depth in your characters. This is fixed pretty easily. Just play around with your characters thoughts, dialogue, and actions. Let emotion into what they're ssaying, and doing and thinking. If that makes any sense.
Plot
Your plot is decent enough, but as it said in the description this is rather short. I felt like it wasn't detailed enough, and that it went by a tad bit too fast. I'm not saying draw it out to where I'm not going to finish it in a day, but draw it out a tad bit more than it is.
Dialogue
Your dialogue is alright in places, but overall I felt like it was the typical,"He said," ,"She asked," kind of dialogue, meaning it was a bit bland. I suggest something like,"he shouted," or,"she sobbed." and things like that, if it makes any sense.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped. Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Thank you for reviewing <3
You've really helped me to see the weak points in my story. I'll be sure to keep these in mind when I write something next.