z

Young Writers Society


16+

Chapter One of Something that goes unnamed as of yet

by felidae


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The anti-demon squad was close - they’d been tracking the monster through his territory all month and, finally, they had him cornered.

It was an unearthly hour in the morning, the trees were shrouding the sky. The soldiers wore heat-sensing glasses, scouring the forest for their quarry. They stalked forwards as the lookout pointed.

“There!” he hissed, pointing to the part of the forest where the trees thickened, where the demon was lounging like a cat on a tree branch.

He stood up when he squad found his hiding place, baring his teeth ever so slightly as he grinned. His teeth, save for the front two, were all canine, finer than a wolf’s, and almost perfectly white. He extended his wings through the rips in his shirt. They were bat-like and ended in the same hooked claws that his fingers and toes did.

The squad pointed their lights toward the demon and he flinched for a moment, pupils contracting into slits. They took aim with their rifles and pistols, waiting dutifully like hounds for the command.

“You smell... delicious,"

The commander’s eyes narrowed.“Fire!”

A split-second before the first bullet flew, the demon had launched himself off of the branch, wings outstretched and lips ripped up into a sickening snarl. He landed between the commander and the first line of armed soldiers. The guns fired as the demon leaped behind the commander and he fell to the ground.

Twenty aghast faces watched as the demon stepped over the commander’s body.

“Kill the monster!”

The demon hissed, charging at the squad. They shot at him, grim determination etched on their faces as he ran. He powered down with his wings and launched into the air, eyes fixed on the stars beyond the canopy as he took another wingstroke.

“Kill it!”

A young blonde who wasn’t much more than a boy shouldered his rifle, muttered a prayer, and shot at the fleeing demon. Warm, wet blood sprayed down, followed by a heavy thud.

The demon’s wing was crushed beneath him, the other wing automatically wrapping around his body. His breathing was in ragged timing with his frantic heartbeat. If only he could move, just fly away...

A greying man looked around to the rest of the squad, “are we keepin’ ‘im?”

“No.”

“Goodbye, vermin,”

A lone gunshot rung out, and the wings became slick with blood.

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62 Reviews

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Thu Dec 29, 2016 7:33 pm
AnarchyWolf wrote a review...



Hey, felidae. AnarchyWolf here for this Review Day.

So, let's do it!

“You smell... delicious,"

"You smell... delicious."
There should be a full stop at the end of this.

narrowed.“Fire!”

narrowed. "Fire!"
There should be a space here, to separate the dialogue from its tag.

“Goodbye, vermin,”

"Goodbye, vermin."
Full stop again.

squad, “are we keepin’ ‘im?”

Squad. "Are we keepin' 'im?"
Full stop, again.

They stalked forwards as the lookout pointed.

It sounds a bit strange. Rewording would be good to give a clearer picture of what's happening.

It's hard to work out who the POV character is in this. First, it seems like it's the anti-demon squad, and then toward the end it's the demon himself. It'd be more effective to keep to one POV character and have their thoughts ripping at the reader all of the way through.

The descriptions and the characters could use a little work. Like said below, they're kind of empty and we can't connect with them much as readers.

I do love the whole concept. It's creative, and exciting and I'd love to meet more permanent characters. Keep me updated, if you do end up writing more.

-AnarchyWolf




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Wed Nov 30, 2016 11:13 am
Ehtaniel wrote a review...



This beginning is dynamic and you give the reader some information without giving too much. The first sentence especially is very effective, and it's a good thing as first sentence is the real first contact with a story.

I'm just a bit confused about what happened to the commander, when the demon landed between him and the first line soldiers. Was the commander hit by the demon or by the bullets of his own soldier ? Outside from this, there's not too much description which is good (to me).

But like the others, I think you could provide a bit more information about the demon or why the squad is hunting him. Like give the name of the place they're from, or the name of the commander or the young boy, etc. You don't need to add too much information, but just a little bit more would be really good. :-)




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Tue Nov 29, 2016 5:04 pm
Featherstone wrote a review...



Hi! Feather here to review!

So first off, I love how you leap into the story. It leaves no time for boredom or curiosity as you plunge headfirst into the demon hunt. Like Casanova down there, I think that it could use a bit more plot/character stuff instead of simply the killing of a beast. It is an excellent hook, though. If I were you, I might use it as a prologue instead of a first chapter. Other than that, I really enjoyed it.

If you need anything, feel free to drop a note.

Keep writing!

-Feather of the Knights of the Green Room




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Tue Nov 29, 2016 9:10 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Felidae! Casanova here with a review!


Anyway, I like the idea you have in this chapter. It's not exactly the newest or freshest idea there is, but I like it nonetheless. To the review!

The first thing is the plot. Although this is a rather short chapter, I felt like really nothing happened. You killed a monster. Good! But besides that we know nothing about what is happening. You have an anti-demon squad chasing the monster. Why are the demons/monsters being hunted? Why this one in particular? What happens with the bodies, or the squad? I feel like this raises a lot of questions, and I would love to see them answered. Anyway, on to the next thing.
The next thing is your characters. I feel like there really isn't a protagonist here, and I think that's because you're not really giving us anything about your characters. Besides wings we weren't really given anything about the monster, and besides blonde/young and greying we weren't really given anything about the characters.

Overall I think the idea is strong, but the plot and characters could use some tweaking. That's all I have to say on this one, I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




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Tue Nov 29, 2016 4:30 am
Endraulics says...



I like this. This is pretty good my dude. Write moar. This could be like an epilogue and it would be good.





It's easier to come up with new stories than it is to finish the ones you already have. I think every author would feel that way.
— Stephanie Meyer