I'm a failure, he thought. I traveled all the way to the mountains for nothing.
But a voice said to Einar, You are not a failure. It was a brave thing that you and your brother travelled to the mountains and retrieved me.
But she's dead! Dead! How could that long and dangerous journey be worthwhile?
Because of the prophecy 'augured by a man of ages'. If you had never gone to the mountains, you would never have met Astelna. You would never have fallen in love with her. And she would still have the same fierce and aggressive attitude. If it weren't for you, she would never have a chance of seeing the outside world. It was meant to be like this. Everyone has a destiny. That you must understand. Your mother was destined to catch the Gray Death and die. Astelna was destined to be abandoned as a child and grow up to be an angry person. But you, my friend, was meant to meet her and change her attitude. She had no love in her life. Her parents abandoned her. Her friends shunned her. Geud pretended to care for her. You must show her that there is someone who will care for her and love her. And that someone is you. You admitted yourself that you loved her. Now, I want you to wed her, and 'fulfilling this will turn the pages...'"
The voice, the Crystal's voice, died away and Einar found himself kneeling before his dead mother. Astelna had her arm around him. It was at that moment that Giles, the mayor of Bearhelm woke up, dazed and confused.
"What hap--?" He stopped and looked at Einar and Astelna. He saw the woman and knew that she had gone to the gods. He went and knelt before her. He touched her forehead and saw that it was beginning to feel cold.
"She was a good woman," he uttered, his voice choked. He pinched the top of his nose to prevent tears. "Now, she is at true rest. Einar, I give you my deepest condolences for your lost." The three stood up.
"We must prepare her body for burial," Einar said, wiping his eyes. And with these words, he left the room.
^^^^^^
The news of her passing brought bereavement to the entire village. The people of Bearhelm have great respect for the dead. Whether they knew the dead person or not, they would always recite songs and prayers for that person.
The village women prepared the woman's body by embalming her and then clothing her with white and brown silk. Her wake had passed and as soon as the next day dawned, she was laid to rest. She was buried in the Bearhelm Cemetery, next to her husband and daughter. All the villagers participated in the funeral. All wore black and were in silent sorrow. Astelna was next to Einar, the only surviving family member, as the coffin was put in the hole where it would be covered with dirt and, in time, flowers. It was at that moment that the villagers sang songs of the dead. Their voices were slow and somber and filled with emotion. Their voices were high, though, and it seemed that their words reached into the sky. Their echoes reverberated through the village. Einar could not listen to the singing. He was wrapt in thought. Emotions, of fear and sadness, filled his heart. Einar knew that everyone had to die. Prisons were escapable, but death was not. It cannot be avoided. Einar woke up from his thoughts and he heard the last line of the people's singing: And the living will meet the deceased one day and be glad.
After the singing, Giles stood in front of the people and addressed them:
"Now, as custom for Bearhelm, I will recite the eulogy for she who passed out of this world: Lonna, daughter of Enar and Evangeline, was born in this village in the year 3046. Gifted with the capability of sewing, she opened a tailor's shop when only a young woman. No sooner had she opened up her shop when Laurence, the son of Luke and Gemma, came into her life. They both fell in love and got married months later. Lonna bore three children, two sons and one daughter: Uinar, Einar, and Arinar. Lonna truly showed that she had raised filial children in her maternal way. Her children indeed grew up to be brave and strong people.
"Sadly, the Gray Death overcame her and she died at the age of 62. My friends, let us not weep over her passing. She is in a better place and we have the assurance that we will meet her in the next life."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Happy Review Day!
Well...I have one thing to say here, mainly. While your story seems to have become an epic of sorts, there is one crippling problem that clips its wings: its bluntness.
There's a fine line between building a world and writing a guidebook. Now, don't get me wrong. I understand that this kind of tone might appeal to some audiences. But I myself wish to be immersed in the story, to sink into it as if it were a spring of wonders.
And what is the reader's main tool for getting lost in their imagination? Some might say that it's what's written, but I argue that the reader's imagination is the most important component of the story. The trick is not to control their thoughts, but rather to guide them. Part of reading a book is filling in the blanks with knowledge of the world and people. Now, some writers go too far and end up confusing the reader. But I think that the best thing that this story could do is to utilize silence as well as words.
This applies, mainly, to the crystal's voice. People don't like to be treated as idiots. They can understand things without being them being spelled out. You don't need to directly say it for the reader to get it.
As for the tone and mood, they work well. They feel heavy and dark; appropriate for such a scene. However, the perspective tends to be iffy in places. Try to focus on one character, and their thoughts and reactions to what happens. That usually makes for a story that's easier to read.
Overall, it was still a good read. Not much else I can say while I'm this uninformed, so I'll end it here. Cheers.
This is definitely an engaging story, but I do have some suggestions and such.
The first thing I have to say is the "great rule' of writers- show, don't tell. We know that Einar is experiencing grief, anger, fear, but try to show these emotions instead of flat-out telling us how he feels.
FIrst of all, make sure you keep your tenses consistent throughout the story. It seems to be mostly past tense, but there are some times when is distractingly slips into present tense. This detracts from the flow of the story.
The sentence "It was at that moment that the villagers sang songs of the dead. Their voices were slow and somber and filled with emotion." is rather confusing because there is no specific moment that it begins at. Maybe instead you could say "The villagers had began to sing..."
Also, when Einar's mother talks about changing Astelna's attitude- I just have a few stylistic suggestions. It seems you're going for a prophecy/the One theme with your story, all very grave and important, high fantasy stuff, yeah? Sometimes for that, it helps to formalize the language. When Lonna talks about Astelna's attitude, try to make it sound more formal, older- not as modern. The change is also a little jarrign and disrupts the flow of the story.
I really like what you have so far- keep it up.
Thank you for the feedback. I really love to write, but I seem to struggle with the "show don't tell". Any advice you could give me about that? It would really be appreciated.
Also, I do struggle with the tenses( I know, it may seem strange, but it's true). I really want my writing to be clear and good, and sometimes I mix up the tenses. Is there any advice you could give me on that? That would also be appreciated.
Another thing I want to point out is when Lonna's talking about Astelna's attitude should sound formal. I am only a beginner's writer. I agree with you about everything that you said. But is there a way on how to make Lonna's words sound "older", as you said?
Again, it would be appreciated. I will try to work on it. It may take a while, but hopefully, I will get to the editing of my story.
Thank you so, so much! You were really helpful
@fantasydragon01.
I'm glad my comments were helpful.
Okay, for showing emotions, you could describe his emotions by showing how he physically reacts or what he says ("tears welled up in his eyes", "the world was gray around him", "he couldn't bring himself to say anything").
For tenses, you just have to reread your work, trying to catch any mistakes you make.
Thank you very, very much.