Hello, my friend.
First, a combination of Greek mythology and Harry Potter? It is only my dream come true! And I apologize for reviewing this work. I saw your other chapter in the Green Room, and I simply cannot read out of order. That would be a sin. Therefore, I must start at the beginning.
Second, some grammatical things:
It has been four years since he was defeated again.
You have been using the past tense, but then you switch to the present tense here. It should be, "It had been four years..."
“ It's only rumors it would be impossible for our father to rise again. We do not need to busy are self with a mere rumor.”
These two sentences are a bit messy grammatically. The first sentences needs to be divided into two independent clauses. Though they are related, they do not flow together without the aid of additional punctuation. Perhaps, "It's only rumors; it would be impossible for our father to rise again." As well, the second sentence has a misspelling, "We do not need to busy ourselves with a mere rumor."
Hades looked bored at the bickering of his brothers, these meetings always bored him where his time could be better spent re-establishing the underworld, it was still thrown off track by the cursive giants war.
This is a threefold comma splice, or the separation of independent clauses with a comma. Try, "Hades looked bored at the bickering of his brothers. These meetings always bored him, when his time could be better spent re-establishing the underworld. It was still thrown off track by the cursed Giants' War." I changed a few things that I would have suggested as stylistic suggestions.
“ Can you two end your bickering, were getting no where. Like always” he stated. His attention drawn to the hooded figure that has appeared.
There are a few grammatical errors here. "Can you two end your bickering? We're getting nowhere . Like always," he stated , his attention drawn to the hooded figure that had appeared." Your sentences can be a little sloppy. Make sure to pay attention to little things, like spelling and grammar, not just plot.
Because this wizard will be powerful enough to even turn a God mad, turn demigods against one another, even touchure them in an art even you areas have never encounter.
"Touchure"? Do you mean torture?
“ You want me to give you one of my kids, They've already had messed up childhoods with all these damn wars, now you want them to be thrown back into it” he asked mixed with sadness and rage.
A comma splice. Try, "You want me o give you one of my kids?" As well, you need to end sentences, that are questions, in a question mark.
“ That's there whole childhood gone” he said.
A bit of a misspelling here, "That's their whole childhood gone..."
" I bless this child with the gift of magic may her excel."
These are two separate thoughts jammed into one sentence without punctuation. Perhaps, "I bless this child with the gift of magic. May her excel."
In regards to grammar, there are several glaring errors in your writing. I would suggest going back over this and fixing all of the little things. For example, the quoting that you do is jumbled and inconsistent. I would look into it.
Third, some stylistic suggestions:
The throne room rumbled as the gods embarked on a lengthy argument of what will become of the manner at hand.
The word "will" does not belong here. Instead, try, "... argument of what would become..." Make sure that you keep your tenses straight.
Zeus eyes stared down at the others engulfed in electric rage.
The face that Zeus is staring down at the other gods is not as important as the fact that he s enraged. Try, "Zeus, engulfed in an electric rage, stared..."
“ Why would we help the wizarding world? Did we not just finish the Giant war of our own.”
Is it a big war, or was it a war against Giants? That wasn't entirely clear. As well, since this is a question, it should end in a question mark.
Poseidon looked at his brother in annoyance, his head always were engulfed in the clouds of himself.
"His head always were..."? That doesn't make any sense. Do you mean, "His head was always..." Also, what do you mean by "the clouds of himself"? That confused me.
...he said before going back to polishing his electric spear absently
This may not be a stylistic suggestion, but why does Ares have an electric spear? Zeus was always greedy with his power, and I doubt he would risk giving Ares the power of lightning.
I could continue, but I feel as though the reviews below me have covered most everything. I am a bit late to the party, as it were.
Fourth, your characters:
I didn't understand how powerful these gods were, or if they were following mainstream mythology. They couldn't tell that it was Hecate? A cloak protects her from Zeus's omnipotence? Why does Ares have electricity? It confused me.
Fifth, your plot:
As interesting as the concept is, you need to allow that interest to come into the prologue. This was rather boring, but I know that it doesn't have to be! You are clearly a talent writer. Spend more time in this scene with the little things. Where are the other gods? How does each character feel, besides just anger? Spend more time with Hecate, and teasing the reader with her motives.
Overall, an interesting story. I can't wait to read the next installment. If you would like me to go over this in more detail, I would be more than willing. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Points: 8839
Reviews: 181
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