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Young Writers Society



Hecate's Plan Chapter One

by fallenoutofgrace


A/N this is a rough draft. Now im asking for a few things first thing is should I do the snake scene or go straight to hogwarts?  

P.S dialogue  and paragraphs got all wonky on me for some reason.

 Chapter one:

Private Drive, 1990.

A small five year dressed in black jeans and a pink top marked by flowers stared around with frighten muddy brown eyes. Her hand moved to push back the lost strands of light brown hair out of her face. Where am I? Her eyes trailed frantically for any clue of what was going on, then she heard it, the chilling voice of an unfamiliar women.

Head toward Private lane drive Skye, there you will stay with some strange people until the time has come, go on my little hero begin your destiny.

Skye didn't know who the embedded voice belong to but followed its order walking up to a large crackling white door reaching on extended tip toes to ring the door bell. She stood their hands crossed in front nervously, what if the voice was wrong?

The door opened to a large couple, a man with a bushy mustache and glaring eyes, and a women with eyes that looked upon her in disbelief. There she stood as the two bickered about what to do. Finally with great reluctance the women won and she felt a soft hand push her inside the looming living room, sitting down on a large light brown couch.

The women smiled, “ My name is aunt petunia what is your name?” she asked.

Skye looked at the women smiling, she seemed safe enough to trust she thought,

" Hi aunt Petunia I'm Skye” she said moving a hand, she didn't know why but it felt the thing to do.

The man looked at her, a vein beginning to bulged on his lower neck region,

“ And where  may I  ask little lady is your parents? Why were you all alone this time of the night?” he asked.

Skye looked at him curious, she didn't have a clue about anything up until the moment.

“ I don't have any” she said simply her muddled brown eyes staring at the scruffy cream carpet below.

Aunt petunia heard looking to uncle vernon

“ oh do you hear that? Oh we can't just send her off she's so adorable!” she exclaimed, “ she's like Dudley when he was this age” she said.

The man growled his annoyance,

“ Very well she can stay. Only until we find out who she belongs to then shes out” he declared. Looking down to Skye, “ refer to me only as Vernon do you understand young lady” he asked.

She bobbled her head,

“ Yes sir” she said white diamonds flashed across her beaming smile,

Aunt petunia beamed holding out welcoming arms,

“ come dear let go meet your new brother” she said scooping Skye up in gentle arms.

Skye beamed burrowing her soft face into the crook of her neck, looking around the large room. They stopped in the kitchen where a large boy sat hovering over a large pile of chocolate cake, smears of darken cocoa littered his face as beady black eyes glared at the newest stray that made home in his house.

Aunt petunia smiled at her pride and joy setting Skye down on the white tiled floor,

“ Now dear this is Dudley your big brother, Dudley say hello to Skye, she will be staying with us” she said.

Dudley waddled over to her, his footsteps shaking the ground underneath Skye it seemed,

“ Oi I'm in charge got it, you do what ever I want” he said.

Skye nodded moving to hug Dudley “ Yes sir” she said.

Dudley pushed her away,

“ And none of that squirt” he said before going back to his abandoned cake.

Skye watched Dudley inhale the ever shrinking pile of cake when a small frame caught her eyes, a small boy that looked to be her age hidden beneath the crackling white painted door. She moved closer to the boy and smiled when they were face to face.

“ I'm Skye” she said.

The boy looked pushing the bridge of his glasses back on his noise whispering softly,

“ H-Harry” he stammered.

Skye beamed looping her arms around the boy in a sloppy hug beaming, her attention was diverted as aunt petunia called her back, allowing harry to disappear once again to his room to play with his small plastic soldiers.

*******

Durdley's, Five years later

For the first years Uncle Vernon and Aunt petunia were nice to Skye, they fed her, gave her a room to her self, had girls adventure with aunt petunia. Then as if a switch flipped in the two whatever veil they were covered were removed revealing their hatred. They mistreated her just as they did with harry. They still gave her hand me downs of cousins but she moved toward the cupboard with harry, the two of them shared chores, becomming closer than they ever had.

Dudley tried once to mess with her, at that moment the shadows surrounded him like snapping dogs on a defenseless rabbit, he never bullied her again and was less brutal on harry than before. The shadows followed skye like companions, it was a warm relief to know she had something looking out for her.

Skye grew also, she no longer wore colorful garments. She wore a black leather jacket with a simple gray T-shirt her jeans were tattered from age. Her once stubby legs grew as muscles filled in from days of running and of course fighting, her once muddled curious brown eyes turned frigid. Her once curly locks of brown strands wilted to straight strands of black.

She looked to Harry one day out of curiosity and asked what happened to his parents.

Harry stared back and shrugged “ They died when I was younger.” he said looking to her “ do you remember your parents?” he asked.

She gave a shy smile, “ I have these dreams of this tall man sitting on a throne he reminds me of an older me. That's all I can remember” she said sadly. She heard the ferocious yells of an approaching uncle Vernon,

“ all be right back seems uncle Vernon found out about charlie.” she said walking forward,  dead man walking she thought.

Uncle Vernon loomed over Skye as if an avenging angel seeking vengeance on the pitiful excuse of a soul before him. The veins that wrapped around his forehead like a constricting python throbbed in rage.

“ Skye, do you know why you're here? What occurred in school today?” he asked, his teeth turning to gravel from the grounding knot he was forming on his jaw.

Skye looked defiantly, “ I merely protected myself.” she stated, not backing down.

Uncle Vernon exploded, “ No, what you did was break his nose, and freak him out? What am I hearing about shadows attacking him? He demanded.

Skye looked, “ charlie is a liar and a sore loser. I admit I punched him in self defense but the rest is a tall tale” she lied.

Uncle Vernon grumbled annoyance, “ You think I'm that stupid? Go to your cupboard your grounded” He hollered.

Skye smiled a flame of rebellion flared in her eyes as she curtsied.

“ As you wish” she said before skipping back to the cupboard, this would cost her, but it was worth any punishment to hear the roar that echoed from uncle Vernon.

She returned looking deep into Harry's large round eyes and smiled

“ Someday you and me, we'll leave this place.” she promised, she didn't know how she knew this would happen, but she was determine to witness that day.

“ Now lets get to bed, tomorrow is the perfect Dudley Wudley's birthday” she said sarcastically.

Harry laughed, “ Night” he said sending them both into a drift less slumber.


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Sat Apr 18, 2015 7:44 pm
SadieKane says...



I really like it! :) I was drawn to it straight away as soon as I started reading. I fell il love with the idea immediately and Skye is really awesome! Keep it up :) x I'm really interested in what is going to happen next and this is just the first chapter, which means something. Maybe check the spelling such as "you're" instead of writing "your". It's a very common mistake and I'm just trying to help. The idea of the story looks really good though!






Thanks as for the next chapter I'm trying to get them in hogwarts and get everything set in motion, it means a lot you read it :)


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SadieKane says...


It's no problem :)



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Wed Jan 07, 2015 1:35 am
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, fallenoutofgrace! Wisegirl22 here to review your chapter one! I was like, ohmigods me got to review that. :D

So, in the beginning sentence, you should put "old" after "year." Oh, and just to say, some of your sentences can be broken up into separate sentences. You use way too many commas. Use some periods after a while. Oh, and "women" is supposed to be "woman", as it is only one. And, if you mean "Privet Drive" for the street, take out the "lane" you put there and capitalize "drive." Comma after "hero." In the third paragraph, "embedded" isn't the best adjective to describe a voice. Maybe, "hidden?" The third paragraph is also a bit weird, with a run-on sentences. It should be something like this: Skye didn't know who the hidden voice belonged to, but followed its order. Walking up to a large white door, she reached on tip toes to ring the doorbell. This plot is very intriguing!

"A small five year dressed in black jeans and a pink top marked by flowers stared around with frighten muddy brown eyes. Her hand moved to push back the lost strands of light brown hair out of her face. Where am I? Her eyes trailed frantically for any clue of what was going on, then she heard it, the chilling voice of an unfamiliar women.

Head toward Private lane drive Skye, there you will stay with some strange people until the time has come, go on my little hero begin your destiny.

Skye didn't know who the embedded voice belong to but followed its order walking up to a large crackling white door reaching on extended tip toes to ring the door bell."

Again, "women" is plural, so change it to "woman." Oh, and no spaces after the quotation marks. You should also capitalize "Aunt Petunia" and put a comma after "Petunia." In the books of Harry Potter, Aunt Petunia isn't nice at all. She wouldn't normally act like this. In most books, thoughts are italicized. So fix that with Skye's thought. And, replace that comma after "thought" and "region" with a period. "Bulged" should be "bulge." You also seem to have double spacing after "where" and "I". Comma after "where" and "ask." The "little lady" part of the sentence also is not needed.

"The women smiled, “ My name is aunt petunia what is your name?” she asked.

Skye looked at the women smiling, she seemed safe enough to trust she thought,

" Hi aunt Petunia I'm Skye” she said moving a hand, she didn't know why but it felt the thing to do.

The man looked at her, a vein beginning to bulged on his lower neck region,

“ And where may I ask little lady is your parents? Why were you all alone this time of the night?” he asked."

So, after viewing this review, I think you can look over your chapter and fix the things I pointed out. This piece was a very good one, I like the change of feelings toward Skye and the mention of demigod dreams. This plot line is very nice; keep writing!

-wisegirl22






Thanks for the review



erilea says...


You're welcome! :D :)



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Thu Jan 01, 2015 5:21 am
JohnLocke1 wrote a review...



Hello, my friend.

First, I am glad to be reading your writing again. I had just read the prologue a few minutes ago, and I am eager to tell you what I thought about the first chapter. I must say, you writing is far more colorful and refined in this chapter. The opening sequence was particularly interesting.

Second, some grammatical things:

A small five year dressed in black jeans and a pink top marked by flowers stared around with frighten muddy brown eyes.


A misspelled word. "...frightened..."

Head toward Private lane drive Skye, there you will stay with some strange people until the time has come, go on my little hero begin your destiny.


These can all be separate clauses. They do not need to be separated by a comma. It just creates comma splices, dangerous grammatical errors. As well, separating the clauses makes each sentence far more powerful to the reader.

Skye didn't know who the embedded voice belong to but followed its order walking up to a large crackling white door reaching on extended tip toes to ring the door bell.


The voice gave, not one order, but multiple orders. As well, I would place a comma after "orders" and "door."

She stood their hands crossed in front nervously, what if the voice was wrong?


Some misplaced words. It shouldn't be "their" hands; it should be "her" hands. As well, this shouldn't be one sentence. The question should be separate from the clause about her standing.

The women smiled, “ My name is aunt petunia what is your name?” she asked.


Aunt Petunia's quote needs to be divided into two clauses, "My name is Aunt Petunia. What is your name?"

" Hi aunt Petunia I'm Skye” she said moving a hand, she didn't know why but it felt the thing to do.


The ending clause has a comma splice. Try, "...she said, moving a hand. She didn't know why..."

Skye looked at him curious, she didn't have a clue about anything up until the moment.


Another comma splice. "Skye looked at him curious. She didn't..."

Aunt petunia heard looking to uncle vernon


This sentence doesn't make any sense. I don't know whether she heard him, or if she is looking at him.

“ refer to me only as Vernon do you understand young lady” he asked.


Questions needs to end in a question mark. As well, this can be divided into two clauses. "Refer to me only as Vernon. Do you understand, young lady?"

“ I have these dreams of this tall man sitting on a throne he reminds me of an older me. That's all I can remember” she said sadly.


The first clause can be separated into two sentences. "I have these dreams of this tall man sitting on a throne. He reminds me..."

No, what you did was break his nose, and freak him out?


There doesn't need to be a question mark here.

“ You think I'm that stupid? Go to your cupboard your grounded”


This shouldn't be one sentence. "Go to your cupboard. You're grounded."

“ As you wish” she said before skipping back to the cupboard, this would cost her, but it was worth any punishment to hear the roar that echoed from uncle Vernon.


Another comma splice. "...to the cupboard. This would coast her, but it was..."

“ Someday you and me, we'll leave this place.” she promised, she didn't know how she knew this would happen, but she was determine to witness that day.


Another comma splice. "...she promised. She didn't know how..."

In regards to grammar, you still need to work on paragraph structure and quotation. It is confusing to follow at most times, which takes away from your story.

Third, some stylistic suggestions:

Once again, I'd rather focus on characters and plot than style for this form of story telling.

Fourth, your characters:

I felt as though the reader only got to know Skye during the brief segment about her in the future. I would spend more time with that specific scene. The reader could stand to learn a bit more about Skye. At this point, she doesn't seem real to me.

Fifth, your plot:

I'm struggling to keep up with exactly where you want to go with this story. I would focus on tightening up your plot. Only say what is necessary for the story, and leave off nonessential detail.

Overall, I enjoyed this chapter far more than the prologue. Your writing was far more sophisticated in this section, which made the experience far more enjoyable. I am excited for the next installment. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!






Thanks for the help it means a lot, as for your question about mainstream or not previously. This is a Percy Jackson and Harry Potter fanfic. In Percy jackson are gives his duaghter clairess one of his electric spears.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to help me out it means the world.



JohnLocke1 says...


It was a great read, my friend. I can't wait to read more!





Glad to hear.

As for the plot I'm following r.k rowling's style untill hogwarts where everything comes to play such as skye regainikng her memories, meeting lord voldermort and Kronos and the adventures and quest that follow. It may change a bit here and there as we go along.




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