I like the fact that you worked in myspace and...the entire poem was like a non sequitor. or I'm just stoned.Eyes too pretty for pictures is probably approaching chiche country. not impressed.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
You think outside the box, I thought it was pretty amazing.
Much love
Alicexoxox
Hmm.. I reread the poem again. I just caught an idiom I missed. Can't believe I missed that. This is even better than I thought.
Hi everybody,
(In order of response...)
Faith--your comments mean more when you aren't passing out on an ugly tile floor, catching the glittery colors as they sweep across the ceiling.
Jiggity--see Bob's comments.
backgroundbob--I knew somebody would have to bring up the punctuation eventually. Grammar is, after all, purely aesthetical. In the end, I find it hard to change much there, much as I personally found it distasteful upon rereads. Perhaps a later version will offer more solidarity.
David Guiness--thank you for the kind words and taking time from your life to read & respond.
xanthan gum--I think "we look shoulders over" is plenty direct. It would be more commonplace to put "we look over shoulders," but then, that's a different image/idea, isn't it? Cheers!
electricbluemonkey--understandable. Not everybody cares for experimental poetry. The cliche of the last line may be excused in light of the rest of the poem, as you said.
For further reference: http://www.myspace.com/principessa_ is the location of the inspiration.
All the best,
Brad
Really not impressed. Not even close to anything else you've written. The spacing isn't ingenious and doesn't really make sense, but I guess it's "art" and shouldn't be questioned. What is ingenious is how you used white periods for the spacing.
If I didn't know any better, I would have no idea what 'wall picture' is, but I'm assuming it's a picture...on a wall.
I was questioning this whole poem, thinking "Anyone with a computer could write random words about a girl's myspace", but these sentences won me over. This has got to be the best part of the whole piece.
Okay, now you're just stepping into cliche territory. But I guess people will see how strange this whole poem is and excuses the last line.
Personally, I'd just say the normal "We look over shoulders". It's direct.
Well done, Brad. The line phrasing is really quite ingenious.
Um... I think you might have missed the point there, jiggy old chap - read the rest of the poem carefully.
My only complaint is the punctuation of the final third of the poem - it might just be personal preference, but the semi-colon and colon so close together just didn't work well for me.
Otherwise, another excellent and innovative effort.
On this pretty girl's myspace she has a wall picture of ...
That is all.