if you've started putting polls on your poems, yes.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Did I read this already? Seems like I did. Anyway, it was emo, mediocre whatever you wanna call it. All that jazz. But you still managed to get away from clicheness.
yes, this is awesome (hehe, I sound American). I especially like the rain bit. Good touch.
I loved this. I have to admit that I liked the Aladdin part no matter how strange it was. Good Job.
I'm with Sam. The first three lines were great; the rest sucked.
Wow. That was blunt for me, huh?
Yep. Mediocrity achieved, at least for the last couple lines.
Being of my generation, this
"If I would watch Aladdin do you think he would take me
somewhere far away from here on his magic carpet?"
sounds very wrong and perverse. May want to think about that, unless you're writing for the senior center Knitting Club, whose members probably would not catch that.
"If I would take the blade in my hand
and force it into my skin do you think it would stop
the pain inside?"
To be blunt, no. It would only create more pain.
"Now I sit in dark rooms listening to a
postsuicide symphony, the mixtape we made in April…'
Get rid of the 'dot dot dot'...or whatever you call it. It sounds awkward enough, without the trailing off.
It's kind of funny. You completely nail the first three lines, but besides that, the entire poem slips into the realm of normalcy. *claps*
Youthinasia! (shudder)
I'm not sure what that means...but I don't think so. At least not in a bad way. And I thought the poll was kind of funny.
Onto crit:
oo, ooo....this is probably my favorite thing you've ever written. It was absolutely beautiful, but shockingly blunt. I'm going to deep crit this one just so I can gush over it. (Right, and you expected me to say something negetive about any of your stuff? You know I love everything you write)
Ah, you're writing songs? I love the part about the pain you felt when this person "existed." It was very out there, like "wow, this person doesn't exist anymore." I dunno, that's kind of obvious, but that's how I felt. I had to read this stanza a couple times to catch the meaning.
Wow. It's odd to think that this person was alive in April making a tape with you, but now she's dead. I like how you refer to it as a postsuicide symphony.
oh my gosh...
aw...I like this. the only thing was that I'm not sure how well it flows with the rest. Maybe say. "Do you think if I watched Aladdin he would take me somewhere far away from here on his magic carpet?" Or something to make it flow better
For me, this part was sarcasm, though that's probably not how you intended for it to be.It was equally stunning as the "wanted it to rain" part