It was
the hottest kind of sticky city day,
and the first dark stain they found proved not to be blood
but a cherry ice pop, dropped and melted
from a graffitied window high above.
passersby stopped to stare,
feeding on this subversive tragedy
like movie patrons on popcorn and colored candies.
That bloodstained back-alley's secrets
were peeled carefully away from dank corners and
filed in sterile plastic bags, exposed at last to the harsh light of day.
They were
the ones that are not like us-
addicted to seduction
seduced by addiction
rebels and whores and lost boys and girls
finding their solace where the streetlights end.
To the spectators gaping from a distance,
shopping bags forgotten at their feet,
this was some film noir, some gangland shooting,
some dead hooker in a ditch.
The officers, they have the right to remain silent
but they don t use it-
with dirty jokes and the kind of arrogance that comes in uniform,
they carelessly zip body bags over pale faces
which are not so very different from their own.
We are
only human after all,
but in this plea of innocence is
a tacit admission of insanity-
a shortcoming that leaves us sleepless,
listening to the sirens in the night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello, faith! You are likely never going to see this, but I'm going to review this anyway! c:
I think that you truly emphasized the nature of cities in your poem. For example these lines:
seem to describe the state of spiritual America in the 1990s, and continue to describe some select cities to this day.
I think your poem combines a theme of lawlessness and the nature of cities to create the idea that many cities are practically dystopias, something I simultaneously agree and disagree with. On the one hand, I find myself agreeing-- after all, take a look at the modern day Las Vegas or Chicago. Or, on the contrary, take a look at Nashville, DC, Florence...
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!! <3 <3 <3
This poem was wrote back in the day.
But I'm here now and I need my say.
So, the flow of the poem was a teensy weensy bit choppish. You could have shortened the lines and added more stanzas. The punctuation was on key.
That means pretty good.
This is my opinion, but I don't think you needed to capitalize.
I think you did pretty good. I enjoyed reading it.
Yup.
Hello faith!
Magenta here for a quick peek at your poem that you wrote so very long ago-a decade! You had beautiful description and you were able to play with these words very nicely, weaving in the setting and images that were seen on this day. I also like the last lines. They have some sort of a truth behind them and yet, convey some double meaning. Awesome! I really would love to see some more of your work. Although, it seems that this is your only one at least for now. Again, amazing poem!
- Magenta
I cannot begin to say how magnificent your imagery and description were. The way you relate one thing to another just blows it out of the water. You have created a true work of great consideration and truth. It is genius.
Great job! Your imagery was very nicely done. Your wording and choice of words was fantastic. It was truly a pleasure to read such a well-done piece.
I really liked this poem. It was powerful, and not in a sob-story moral type way. Great job.
Yeah, there is a lot to discuss in this poem, and a lot going on at once. I liked last 6 lines, those were the best I think. Or I also like "addicted to seduction, seduced to addiction". I liked how you used that and turned it around. Very good...hey there is no thumbs up smilie!
AHH! We shall put the board administrators to death! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!...so, to not do that...Nate, can you add more smilies?...especially a thumbs up smilie...please...
Your poem is amazing! Its one of those where, if you really care what they are saying, it goes right to the heart, but if you don't its just like a story about cities, but I think all of us have tooken it to heart.
This line sounds a little choppy I think, but the rest sounds awesome.The "they have the right to remain silent but they don't use it" sounds kinda weird.
Yeah, but I think the second line, where it says it was the hottest sticky day or something, it is too long. You should take out city or one of those words so it flows better.
Wow, I loved the details. Very well-written. No complaints.. The entire first stanza was my favorite part, along with the line on movie patrons. I'm looking forward to reading more!
God, I love this poem...AHH! ITS SO GOOD! Ah, I am crying!
That is so good. Love it, really, one of the best ever. Even better than proffesional poemist...err...people who write poems...
I love this poem! There's too much I like to tell you everything, but the parts that I felt were the best were the first stanza, the almost anti-climactic way the stain was a cherry ice pop and not blood, the way that the passers-by in the second stanza fed on the tragedy "like movie patrons on popcorn and coloured candies" and the image of secrets being peeled away...that whole stanza, the word choice was awesome. Very evocative and totally powerful. I also liked the word choice of "where the streetlights end" and "film noir". That just gave it the perfect atmosphere to me. The only part I didnt like actually was the line where "they have the right to remain silent but they dont use it-". It felt a little rushed. Maybe you could break that line down a bit. Otherwise, its a brilliant poem.
well, i think that some of the lines run together for instance, " and the first dark stain they found proved not to be blood " but sometimes thats fine,i guess. maybe you should break up some of those long lines and then this will be the perfect poem
There's a lot of depth to be found here; it could be viewed as a commentary on the nature of cities and it could also be viewed as a piece conveying the spiritual wasteland of America (although the two do go together).
I really liked it. Right from the beginning you set the scenery and the tone of the voice, and through your word choice, you manage to relate a hot summer day without ever explicitly saying it.
Not only that, but I love the little snapshots of the city that you give us from the stares of passersbys to sirens in the distance to lost boys and girls. It's a heart wrenching poem built upon many layers of meaning. Awesome.