CHAPTER ONE
My world was crumbling to pieces with every box that came out of the moving van. I had spent the past couple hours wondering if moving away was all some freakish nightmare and I’d wake up and go to the beach with Ally and Mary.
This however, was not a nightmare. It was too cold to be a night mare.
It all started when mom lost her job. She hadn’t done anything wrong and we Rogers are convinced the man was a panny waist anyway. But Dad was already unemployed and looking for work.
Good news? He found a “Great job with amazing opportunities!”
Bad news? It was in freezing cold Idaho.
Don’t blame me—I’ve spent my whole 14 years over in sunny California. Cold was when the temperatures hit 76 degrees. Yet here I am, completely lost for words because not only is it barely November, but there is snow on the ground. And ice. And it is cold.
I want to go home so badly.
“Juney? Come here sweet heart.” I scuttled through stupid blinding snow and huddled under the porch next to my mom, my teeth chattering.
“What?” I snarled.
“Junes, I know this is really hard for you, but if you could just try to be positive, it would really help us out a lot.” I scoffed.
“Mom, are you kidding me? Positive? I’m below positive!” I motioned at the ground and the fog and at the dumb gray clouds rolling in. “I’m negative, and so is my body temperature! So I’m gonna go inside now and try to imagine that my life is not burning to pieces. Ok?” Mom got that look in her eyes. It was not a look to be trifled with.
So I sighed and said robotically:
“Yes mom, I will be as supportive and helping as a 14 year old bitterly lonely child could possibly be.” She gave me a kiss on my cheek.
“That’s my girl. Go on and choose your room then.” I grumbled my response and reentered the house. Imagine big, creepy and clean at the same time.
This house was beyond old. It was like dinosaur old. But floor boards squeaked, the wall paper was ancient yet well kept and I was one of the 8 people planning on living in it.
So it was basically my personal hell all wrapped up together.
I mean, sure the little stair balcony thing was cool and the ceiling was in a Baroque style of amazing. But it was just another empty house to me. It didn't have any of the memories like the old house we had. Like that time Alley and I tried to slide around on the newly polished floor, or when me and Mary accidentally bumped into a standing speaker so hard that it put a light dent in the wall. I gave a frozen smile as I rubbed my arms before I suddenly remembered. This was not that house. this was a completely different house.
So naturally, the smile disappeared.
“’Go pick your room,’ she says. ‘Find something like home,’ she says.” I grumbled as I stomped up the stairs. “How about my room back in warm California?!” I snarled out loud to myself.
“Hey brace face, watch it!” I practically get ran over by my older brother Mike. He was already adapted to good old Idaho because he’d been going to school here in this sorry excuse for a town.
“What ev’ Mike.” I snapped angrily.
“Whoa, somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed. So what’s on your mind Glitter grin?”
“Ok, so first of all, the braces jokes are getting old. Secondly, it’s snowing, thirdly, I hate it here, and finally, I’m already dying from not seeing the sun in over 6 hours.” Mike ran a hand through his dark brown hair before giving me a dimpled grin and tapping me on the forehead.
“You know it’s all in your head.”
“Ugh!” I shrieked, jogging up the rest of the stairs and running into the first room I came to. I slammed the door behind my I glared around the room angrily.
“Juney, this is our room.” My younger sister whined. My gaze fell to the 8 year old girl. She was sitting Indian style on the floor, surrounded by barbies. Her defiant hazel eyes met my blue for a moment before she turned to her twin sister, Kenzi.
“Right Kenz?”
“Right Megan.” The identical twin agreed. “So unless you want to play barbies—“ she started hopefully.
I, naturally, was already out of the room. I shifted my backpack up higher onto my shoulder as I passed yet another room. I glanced in, interested. This room was dark and covered up—windows shut, curtains closed.
“Whatdya want?” I heard a voice growl. Involuntarily, I gave a little jump before glowering at Matt, my older brother by 2 years.
His dyed black hair was lazily shifted back. Mom never let it get too long though, so it was still cut cleanly above his ears.
“Nothing oh grumpy one.” I muttered, swing on my heels and continuing my lonesome journey. Lindsey had already claimed her room and the lilac colored walls were already pasted over with posters of her favorite bands and singers. David Archuletta, Blake Lewis, All American Rejects…honestly, it was creepy to look in there just ‘cause I felt like someone was watching me. Linds had no problem at all with it and she completely ignored me as I walked by, mainly because she had her ear phones in. Her light brown was tied back into a high pony tail as she danced across her room.
I came to the very last door on the second floor. With a sigh, I tried to open it but failed the first time. With a grunt, I rammed against it a bit harder and it popped open with a hiss. I was looking up yet another flight of stairs.
“Ohh, creepy.” I said to myself. It echoed eerily as if to laugh in the face of my sarcasm. I took a couple step up the narrow stairs and the moaned. After 10 stairs, I came to another door which I opened easily.
The room I entered was musty and light. There were windows all around on the walls and, dropping my back pack onto a frame of a bed, I cracked open a shutter. Light filtered into the room and I gasped as I stared out. I was literally above the clouds. They were rolling like the sea and the sun was streaking rays of light, warming my nose. I felt my jaw drop in amazement.
“Best room ever.” I whispered to myself. How did I even get higher than the forboding clouds? I glanced up at the sky again and saw a blinding blueness. I gave a faint smile. Despite everything, things might actually be ok…
“It’s quiet the sight isn’t it?” a voice asked behind me. I swung around and looked around the room.
Empty.
“W-whos there?!” I called nervously. “I swear Mike, I will kill you if you don’t come out right now.” I added.
“I’m right here silly!”
And that was around the time I bolted down the stairs screaming like a manic.
“GHOOOOOOOOOST!!”
A couple of minutes later, I was surrounded by the entire family who were staring at me curiously.
“Are you sure that’s what you saw?” My mom asked skeptically
“That’s the thing!” I stammered shakily. “I didn’t see anything at all!”
“What do you mean, hun?” my dad asked worriedly. I took a deep breath.
“I mean that I turned around to see who was talking to me and no one was there.” I shuddered uncontrollably.
“She’s just looking for attention.” Lindsey said with a roll of her eyes. I glared at her and shook my head.
“I am not makin’ this up.”
Mom and dad looked at each other.
“June never makes up stories…” Mom agreed. “She doesn’t even like fairy tales…” I swallowed as they looked at each other thoughtfully.
“Well, what should we do? Do you think someone’s in our house?”
“no.” I interrupted. “One second the voice was across the room, the next there was someone whispering in my ear.”
“Maybe we should talk to someone…?” Mom asked looking a little nervous at the thought of having someone strange in the house. I wanted to cry. There was a ghost in the house, not a burglar.
“Who we gonna call?” Dad asked. For a second, I didn’t understand that he was actually being dead serious.
Neither, unfortunately did Matt.
“Ghost Busters!” he cheered meanly. I swung a punch his way which he easily dodged.
“I am telling you the truth!” I shrieked. Mike was grabbing me by my shirt, holding me back as I furiously tried to grab Matt and pound him in.
“Suuuure you are! That’s as honest as a criminal’s record.”
This is when Mike lost grip on my shirt. To be merely blunt I will say few words about our fist fight as we rolled across the ground, punching, kicking, and biting.
Matt never saw me comin’ ‘till I hit him. About five minutes later, Mom and Dad got us all straightened out. I was sporting a bloodied lip and he was putting pressure on a blood-dripping nose.
“All right, that’s enough! From both of you!” My dad ranted. “You both are grounded for two weeks. Dishes, together, and no computer or television privileges.
“Hey, blame Mike.” I snapped. “He’s the one that couldn’t hold me back properly.”
“June, another word out of you and it’ll be four weeks.” My mom growled, her arms folded. “Now I am disappointed. This is a very stressful time for your father and I. We asked for your help and instead you two start to fight. Now June says she heard a boy in her room talking to her. Matt, Mike, I want you to leave your sister alone. And if I hear just a peep about either of you pulling some practical joke you will be in some serious trouble. Understand?”
“Yes ma’am.” we all muttered. Matt slumped off to his room, the twins raced off to play barbies, Lindesy plugged in her ear phones and went on a walk with Mike and I was about to go get stuff ready for me to camp out on the couch when my dad turned to be and said:
“June, I don’t want you to be scared anymore. That was just your brothers screwin’ around. I shook my head.
“Sorry dad, but there’s something up there, and I don’t aim on going up there until I know what it is.” Dad sighed and ran a hand through his brown hair his blue eyes flickering up the stairs.
“Ok. C’mon June bug, let’s go hunting in your room. I want to see if that view is as half as good as you say it is. Dad crept up the stairs with me following reluctantly behind. He pressed hard against the first door which popped open with a wheeze.
We stumbled up the rickety stair case and I was freaking out once again. What if there really was a ghost up there? I shook my head, trying to get rid of the thoughts. Dad reached forward and grasped the worn out door knob before turning it with a click. I squeaked involuntarily and grabbed my dad’s arm. We shuffled in looking around nervously, but it looked the same as I had left it: back pack on the bed frame, one shutter open. He glanced under the bed, in the empty wardrobe and up in the rafters.
“Sorry Junes.” He said almost apologetically. “Not ghost up here.”
“I dunno dad…” I replied warily, my bare feet hopping around nervously on the cool wooden floor. I investigated a bit more. It felt a bit colder suddenly and not as bright.
“If it wasn’t your brothers, it was your imagination.” Dad said off handedly as he sauntered over to the window, his calm hazel eyes scanning through the window.
“Cool view hun.” He agreed after a second. I raced over confused. He should be awed by the fluffy pink and golden pillows and clouds, and—
I gasped. I wasn’t above the clouds anymore; in fact, I was far below them. The sky was dark and cold and frost was gathering on the once warm window.
“B-but…!” I stammered in disbelief. “I really was looking over the clouds! Maybe they shifted or something.”
“C’mon kiddo. You’ve got dinner duty.” Dad interrupted, ruffling my hair before shutting the blinds and swinging on his heel. I followed him closely as we left the room, still gazing longingly back at my room wishing to see the crack under the door light up with sudden warmth.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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whoa. I think you have talent and a lot of potential as a writer. The dialogue was really good and i was able to visualize everything in my head! Great job, sometimes i think you used the word "snapped" when she was talking back too much but other than that great job AND MAKE SURE TO CONTINUE!
EmmaGrayce
This is great, the portrayal of the characters looks so genuine and the mystery is absolutely intriguing.
I agree with the bookism thingo, but it really is a great story otherwise.
I hope you'll pm me when you continue this with other chapters.
I agree that fourteen year-olds can get into fights and get bloodied up a bit, but they were among family. With parents and an older brother there, I don't think it would have reached that far.
Hmm... It seems that they have already mentioned all the general areas your lacking in. If you want to proof read properly, read it carefully, letter by letter and not word by word as the brain usually does. Or better still, have somebody else help you with that problem.
You need to be consistent with your tenses, to do that, you have to decide first which tense you're gonna be in.
All the nitpicking aside, you do an excellent job of portraying someone who's moving to a different climate. I don't find it strange to long for clear blue skies and warm temperature. I'm kinda like that. Great story.
This is from another review
Dad should not be capitalized.
I disagree with it because, in my opinion Mom and Dad are proper names. Maybe I am wrong.
A good thing about this site is other people can proof read your work and find typos and spelling/gramma mistakes more effectively than when you are trying to proofread your own writings. This site is great because you can go back and edit. There are other sites, once you submit, you cannot go back to edit.
Now on to the story.
I love it.
I like the way you described moving from a place you loved to something that is a totally new environment. It was like when I mover from the beaches of Long Island to a small coww-tipping town called Watkins Glen.
“no.” I interrupted. Should be "No." Just in case nobody else caught this first.
I too agree that 14 year olds can get into fights. My brother and I always did. No broken bones or anything serious, but I do remember having a bloody lip at least once.
Overall this is an excellent read and I plan to read more. You did a wonderful job describing the setting.
Howdy!
Her character become even more dfined as the book continues.
Thanks so much for the comments. I don't know how I always screw up those dumb tenses. My brain just goes to fast and my fingers stumble for the best way to lay it out there.
Eh, I know it sounds weird, but yeah, 14 year olds tent to do that to each other. My sis and I threw it out at a ski resort and once she made my nose bleed. Violent, but June is a very aprideful person. She the kind of girl that can throw glares and punches!
Uh. Proof reading. I've never been good at it. I don't plan on it anytime soon. Grammer drives me insane, but thanks. I'll be careful to look over thest things. Thanks!
Peace
~*~fairygirl~*~
(and thank you guys SOOOOO much for reading!)
Firstly: I love your portrayal of Cali's newly relocated to colder climes. And hating snow. It's fun to mock people of this sort.
Secondly: You may want to cut down on the said bookisms (e.g., "growled"), because they were... rather distracting. I mean, one or two is okay, but you used them in almost every dialogue tag. Try replacing some of them with, say, actions that convey the same emotions. For example, you could replace '“W-whos there?!” I called nervously. “I swear Mike, I will kill you if you don’t come out right now.” I added.' with something like 'Goosebumps prickled on my forearms. "W-who's there?" There was no reply. "I swear, Mike, I will kill you if you don't come out right now."'
Thirdly: A quick proofread would help to weed out some of the grammatical and spelling errors, none of which were very major but, again, were distracting at times. Also, mind your tenses. You flip-flopped between past and present a few times.
Fourthly: I agree with captain.classy: Fourteen-year-olds squabbling with their siblings don't generally bloody each other up. To the best of my knowledge, anyway. I mean, it's not that teenagers don't ever get... super super violent with each other (I personally know a guy who last year had the letter A carved into his shoulder with a bent paperclip by a group of my... judgmentally impaired classmates; he still has a scar), but siblings, in my experience, aren't out to seriously injure each other.
In conclusion: I like this idea. And also, as I said, I love your accurate portrayal of somebody moving from somewhere warm to somewhere where 40° is considered a heat wave for 10 months out of the year. Whilst you had a few grammatical errors and rather overused your said bookisms it was an enjoyable read and intriguing enough for me to want to read more.
So you changed tenses here. The 'ing's are present, and the 'ed' is past. You seem to be writing in past here, so you should change the 'swinging' to 'swung' and the 'continuing' to 'continued'.
Dad should not be capitalized. And I would delete the 'actually' in this sentence. It would just sound better!
Again, tense switches. Just because you are doing flash backs, you still write in past tense: This was when Mike lost his grip on my shirt.
Woah woah! She is 14! I don't think making each other bleed is entirely appropriate. Maybe that's just me.
I like the whole 'I was up in the clouds' part. I am excited to read the next part!
Classy
I'm gonna start with the nit-picks first. Sorry!
I would recommend that you go back and edit this critically because you have a few mistakes here and there, but that's normal, obviously, nothing to be too concerned with.
Secondly, I think you need to work on your structure. For example, your second paragraph is a bit broken.
Thirdly, I think you need to work on your narration a bit. You mention how much your MC hates the snow A LOT. Also, it does seem that your character is moaning a lot, which does make her seem kinda annoying. Perhaps if you want her to really hate the move you could give her a really good reason instead of missing the beach, for example, she had to leave her boyfriend behind - something like that so we can relate to her situation. If it's the fact that she left her friends behind develop on that idea. Perhaps you can talk about how they promised they would keep in touch but your MC knows deep down inside that things will change.
Hope you didn't mind my nit-picking, I apologise if I sounded rude! I did enjoy the story though and I hope to read more soon.
Happy writing!
*coco
Okay well here I go!
The story was good and I really liked the characters. They seem very realistic, like any disfunctionnal family.
There were some grammar errors a little everywhere, but those are easily fixed.
My only problem is that it seems too much like any regular ghost story. Having said that, it's only chapter 1, so there's still lots to go by and happen. So I might say that now, but who knows; I might be putting my foot in my mouth later on.
So please proceed on your story and feel free to PM me once you publish more!