Published June 21, 2010
-Softly, he whispered an answer
Our hands linked, we leaned South
And the branch that once held us
Gave way beneath our toes
Gentle breaths looped through his hair
He shed his old skin and grew anew
Only to be searched a
And buried deep in my memory
The road that held out eyes tightly in a gaze
Never did brake, but broke our fall
-We’re at our best, when we’re depressed
Aware of the thump behind our breast
Besides, we forget our self preservation
Expression or mention. Tension.
Those of which we are obsessed
Replace the mind in our skull
And the heart in our chest
-The slivers around his wrists are jaundiced and weathered
Almost Arrows, beckoning us towards the switch
His fist is swallowed, beating against the rising pitch
Our gaze suspended, tethered to the window pane
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
LOL. I totally read this as one poem. I think it kind of fits together as one poem though... I like the disjointedness of it all!
-Softly, he whispered an answer <-- I think an adverb is a weak way to begin your poem!
Only to be searched a <-- Ahhh! What is this?
His fist is swallowed, beating against the rising pitch <-- What are you trying to say?
I really liked this poem, actually. I think that it does a really good job covering cutting and other disorders common with teenagers without making it totally melodramatic and angsty. And the imagery and such was very pretty... or not pretty, maybe, but poetic at least. Very nice!
I don't think this is long enough to be reviewed. You are describing his hands, but there has to be a story behind it. I feel like you need to make this longer.
I feel that you are a great writer, your work is just really short. I feel that if you made it longer it would be better. Remember to review other works, or you won't get reviews. If you need anything don't hesitate to message me.
-Flower-[/quote]
I hope it's not taboo to reply to posts.
I'll just try to explain the meaning behind each one if that will help at all.
The first poem is really just about diving into a relationship, and the changes we make when we learn from our partners. It specifically expresses how I feel about the person I'm currently in a relationship with. The "a" in the 6th line was just a type.
Also, I meant to use "brake" as in "stop"
The second poem is about my group of friends, who are all victims to self-harming and personality and eating disorders. I tried looking at the struggles from a new perspective since, because of the emotional problems, they've all gained a lot of depth and understanding about mortality and what it means to be happy.
The third poem is kind of a work in progress. I was thinking of turning it into a haiku. I wasn't sure if I should put it in the post at all, but I was hoping for a little feedback on the beginning.
Thank you so much for your critiques. I'll take them into account when I edit the poems tonight. 8]
Ok, Flower here and I will be your reviewer for the evening! Welcome to YWS by the way, I hope you are enjoying yourself here.
-Softly, he whispered an answer
Our hands linked, we leaned South
And the branch that once held us
Gave way beneath our toes I just adore this line, I thought I would tell you.
Gentle breaths looped through his hair
He shed his old skin and grew anew I don't really get this.
Only to be searched a Why is that, "a" here?
And buried deep in my memory
The road that held out eyes tightly in a gaze
Never did brake, but broke our fall Break should be the word, and there should be a period.
I think that this is very nice, and descriptive. I think you could tell more of the story though. What is the question that he answered? Things like this would be nice to know.
-We’re at our best, when we’re depressed I'm not, well writing I am, but otherwise no haha.
Aware of the thump behind our breast
Besides, we forget our self preservation I don't think this line fit with everything else you have been saying. It doesn't flow.
Expression or mention. Tension. I don't know what you mean here.
Those of which we are obsessed
Replace the mind in our skull
And the heart in our chest.
-The slivers around his wrists are jaundiced and weathered
Almost Arrows, beckoning us towards the switch
His fist is swallowed, beating against the rising pitch
Our gaze suspended, tethered to the window pane[/quote]
I don't think this is long enough to be reviewed. You are describing his hands, but there has to be a story behind it. I feel like you need to make this longer.
I feel that you are a great writer, your work is just really short. I feel that if you made it longer it would be better. Remember to review other works, or you won't get reviews. If you need anything don't hesitate to message me.
-Flower-