I am on the Moon.
No one can find me here
To no atmosphere I adhere
The chains of oxygen hewn
The full Earth on the horizon
The Brazilian coastal lights
Clustered on the coast
A feeble ghost
Of the United States’ yellow-whites
In China people rouse
I don’t remember being down there
These craters and marias are all I've known
This human-free zone
Barred to all who breathe air
My domain alone.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Haha, this is good...Very original subject. This is one of my favorite rhyming scheme, and I rarely read any poems using it.I'm not really one for long poems so this really appeals to me. The only thing is punctuation, don't be afraid of it! It's your friend, and greatly improves your poems. Also you don't need to capitalize the beginning of every line. Poetry capitalization is exactly the same as if you were doing any other type of writing. Keep writing!
I kind of get where you're coming from, eurobeat.
I like this stanza the best, though I figure it would be impossible to see these things from the moon, unless you look at the swirls and sort of imagine them in your mind's eye, like I assumed you did.
But the next stanza is odd; because after something like yearning, or reminiscence for the earth you claim to never remember being down there.. maybe you should put the second stanza first, so it goes like this
take that advice or leave it. That's just my ever-humble opinion.
Great job and keep writing.
empress
This wasn't meant to be a poem that tells a story. It was meant to capture a feeling.
Hello there Faerie!
Most of your poem didn't really make much sense. Here is what I mean.
Why would your character be hiding out on the moon? I read over the two remaining stanzas, and there is nothing to suggest that this takes place in the future. Therefore, we can only assume that it takes place in the present.
With that information in hand, we know that the only people who come to the moon today are astronauts, who are not looking to get away from people.
That said, what is the point of your poem? You spend three stanzas gushing over pretty words. The heart of poetry is a message, and you have no clear one.
I'm not saying that you should scrap this idea, but I think it has more potential a story. That way, you have time to fully cover all aspects that would make this a worthwhile piece.
Keep writing, and please PM if you have any questions.